I love it! Almost made me cry
Author's Response: Thanks.
Wow. A lot of emotion packed into a few words. I think you hit how people were feeling spot on in this story. After all, we basically did see at least that Remus and Sirius were both convinced the other leaked the information. It is only logical that all of them were thinking that the other betrayed the trust and are the reason they’re dead. Well, not Remus because he had no clue any of this was going on, and he most certainly wasn’t one of the people who the blame could have been shined on.
It’s interesting to see so many snippets in time, and I think that really helps to make the one shot really good. And the repetition of “I killed them” really strikes the message home that all of them in their own way contributed to their death. Yes, Peter might be the one who officially did it, because he’s the one who gave up a secret that he should have guarded with his life. But all of them were responsible and played a role in the deaths of Lily and James. It’s also interesting to see into Peter’s mind a bit, and to see how he felt like he had no choice. We all know that he shouldn’t have done it, but still, it’s interesting to see the mind of one who thought that he had absolutely no option. All he was trying to do was not get killed himself, but he did go too far with it, which you show when you said that he gave the Dark Lord the information of where they are and “I killed them”.
Bravo at really making me think about how they’re all somewhat responsible. I always just pointed the blame at Wormtail, because he is such an easy person to blame. But the one shot really shows us we can’t just do that. I really like that this one shot made me actually think about that. Thank you for that.
Great job, and I will look for more stories from you in the future.
Author's Response: Thank you very much.
I like the idea of this fic. It’s entirely true. Peter betrayed the Potters, ultimately causing their death, but the blame doesn’t rest solely on his shoulders. Everyone involved made choices, and they weren’t good ones. And we know those choices haunted Severus and Sirius for their entire lives.
As much as I liked the idea of this story, I didn’t really enjoy it. I found that the writing was very simplistic, not offering much emotion or depth, which is really what a story like this should be about. I also found the dialogue off for the characters, especially Severus, The Dark Lord, and Bellatrix. They don’t speak so informally with each other. Their words made the scene feel false.
I think with some editing this could be a very good story.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I was experimenting with the style a bit and I'm sorry if you didn't think it worked. I believe I mentioned before that I'm not too good at writing Voldemort, which is why I don't attempt it too often. I'm still working on some stories and I'll give this one another look for editing.
W O W.
i think that this is quite deep.
a little critisisme, snape would be more mournful (remember his memories in book 7)
im not sure but is the last one supposed to be harry?
Author's Response: The last one is all of them. I tried to write Snape correctly, but I can't exactly top JKR in 800-1000 words. Glad you like it.
it was a bloody good story was the last line Harry? if it was it was really good i love your story and yes it all seems to flow perfectly. You are a very very good writer maybe u should do this in real life(with your own characters of course)
Author's Response: Thank you. The last line wasn't Harry, but I suppose you could think of it that way. As for professional work, I have a book for sale at lulu.com. I believe the link is in my profile.
I agree a lot with your previous reviewer - Sapphire at Dawn. Overall this fic was powerful and very unique - the way you interwove the stories' of these four characters was seamless and really connected them together.
The dialogue and inner monologue were very effective tools for telling this story - it made the action happen quickly and you really got inside all the characters' heads. I thought your Sirius was your strongest character, particularly his conversation with James - the dialogue-only style of that part worked perfectly.
I think your Peter and Severus were fairly well-characterised, although they didn't quite shine the way sirius did. With Severus, I liked how you showed him going from eagerness to serve Voldemort to regret - the progression was done realistically.
As Sapphire at Dawn also said, I find your Voldemort a bit OOC - he trusts no-one and is an intensely private person, therefore I don't think he would ever have told anyone that he chose Harry because he was the most similar to him - I think this is only something Dumbledore deduced. I always thought he would say to the Death Eaters that he chose the Potters because it was less waste of magical blood. Also when Voldemort was talking to Peter, I think it might be better if you cut a bit of his dialogue - perhaps leave it at “Excellent, Wormtail.” He paused. “I must admit that I doubted your merit when you first joined me… but now you have proved your worth, Wormtail..
I loved the way you finished, particularly the "I am a killer" line - it tied the whole story together really well.
Anyway, well done for attempting this sort of style - it must have been difficult to write, and yet it isn't confusing to the reader.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I realize that Sirius is the best, but that's because my notebooks are filled with practice. I'm stilling trying to find the right Peter and Snape, and as for Voldemort, it's a definite work in progress. I'm glad you enjoyed the style, though I'll confess it isn't difficult to write. It just sort of happened. Thank you for reviewing!
I think this is very interesting. I love the structure of it, it’s very clever and it lends a lot to the tone of the fic and also, I think, the sadness of the situation, as is the way that it is almost purely dialogue. I especially love the section that begins “Please, my Lord, spare Lily Potter.” I think that using just the dialogue makes it very powerful and having all the questions before the answers, rather than question, answer, question, answer, was a good move.
However, I do think that sometimes it felt a little rushed and a bit too... convenient, if you like. I think that when you’re only using dialogue, that dialogue has to convey so much more in terms of pacing and structure in order to get across the emotion that the description and tags would otherwise provide, and so I felt that certain sections could have done with more dialogue and the lack of it lead to the characters feeling a little bit out of character, for example, the first section.
Severus comes in and gushes out the parts of the prophecy he heard, which I think is okay. He wants to curry favour and is doing so quite clearly here. However, Voldemort’s reaction to this is far too quick and decisive. In the books, Voldemort is always contemplative and a little mysterious in his speech. I think he’d take a lot more time thinking something like this over. Perhaps it is because the conclusion of Potters vs Longbottoms is reached so quickly here that it seems Voldemort is OOC. I think it would have taken a lot longer to come to that conclusion, and I don’t think it would have hurt the pace or structure of the fic to include a little bit more just to show that it wasn’t a quick and easy decision.
I do like the scene where Sirius is persuading James (presumably it is James). The arguments he uses are sound and believable, and the characterisation shines through here, the way that Sirius knows his faults and is willing to accept them in such a situation, and the doubting of Peter’s strength, something which I also think they wouldn’t have acknowledged had the situation been less dire.
So all in all, a good fic. It could have done with a bit more here and there, but the overall effect is very powerful.
Author's Response: Thank you for your kind review. I'm glad you liked the story, even if certain sections were lacking. I'll look them over again. I know that Voldemort isn't quite where he should be in the first part, but it's my first time writing him as a real character, so I'll keep your thoughts in mind for future stories. And yes, it is James. Thank you again for writing in!