MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
06/13/12 18:11 · For:
You do well portraying a friendship of boys turned to men where, in some ways, everything is the same. Catch a glimpse of these two men in a different light, however, and one quickly sees that everything is different. This story's strength is in the little snippets of detailed narrative--Sirius poking Remus under the table with his foot and noticing the potential of Tonks and him as a couple before even Remus realizes, or Sirius bracing himself against the wind from an open window. There I see the heartbreakingly human imperfection involved in this tragic Rip Van Winkle-esque story, of two people strugging to rediscover what they never should have lost. You're done an excellent job of juxtaposing these small details to show how complex and unclear this situation truly is--how much Remus and others who knew Sirius have to struggle to understand him and be his friend.
I wish you would dig further into Remus' emotions earlier in the story. Until the section where Sirius dies, I feel the tone of this narrative is a little detached. That makes sense, given how reserved Remus is as a character; we rarely see him react passionately the way Sirius always does. But this one-shot has a unique perspective from inside Remus' head and we have a rare opportunity to see the real, potent emotions which he so rarely lets surface firsthand. Use that opportunity to show more of him to us as your readers. For him as much as Sirius, this has to be frustrating, saddening, heartbreaking. As Sirius is reentering his life from long ago, Remus must also be searching for the friend whom he used to know, and that involves a serious amount of heartbreak. For example, when Sirius protests his house arrest, saying that he needs to do something, tell us how that makes Remus feel. Don't just stick to the dialogue that Remus expressed externally; dig into his internal journey as a friend of a former Azkaban convict, of a changed Sirius Black.
Otherwise, it's fascinating story, and you've got a strong grasp over descriptive writing that captures my attention. Wonderful work; write on!
Author's Response: Wow, thank you for leaving such a great review! You're right, I did write more on Remus thinking about Sirius's feelings and such rather than actually writing about his own feelings. In writing it, I was thinking more about what would be going through the mind of Sirius more than I was of Remus, even though I was writing from Remus's viewpoint. I do tend to have trouble with talking about the feelings of the person's whose POV it is, but I'm trying to work on it so thanks for pointing that out! I
Thanks so much, and thanks for reading!
(Signed) · Date:
12/30/11 23:18 · For:
You wrote such a great look into Remus' mind. As you can tell by my pen name, I love him! He and Sirius have a wonderful friendship, and you really showed that. Nice writing!!!
Author's Response: Thank you! Remus is definitely a favorite of mine as well. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
(Signed) · Date:
11/05/11 7:06 · For:
This was a great story, I think you did a great job of handling second person, present tense and grasping these two characters.
I liked how, in a way, although Remus was telling the story, it's almost more about Sirius... or equally as much about both of them. The second person really put me in Remus' position and made me consider what it would be like to have Sirius as a friend.
I loved how you showed two sides of Sirius - on one hand, he remains his old jokey self, or at least he tries to. I loved his comments to Remus about Tonks, I think that really showed that underneath what he has suffered, he is still Sirius and Remus is a close friend.
I adored this paragraph - You become aware of his hands. Those tremors, those ever present trembling fingers were not there before. You notice the way that if the window is open, if a whoosh of wind is heard, your old friend seizes up, closing his eyes, bracing himself against chills of a nonexistent Dementor. You take in the way that at loud noises, if someone yells in surprise, Sirius will cover his ears, blocking out his old inmates screams. (Perhaps you could say "fellow inmates' screams", as they were inmates of Azkaban, not Sirius - also you missed the apostrophe.) I think it's great how you dwell on the small things, like the trembling of his hands, because it is really in those things that you can see the change. That paragraph in particular created the idea of a haunted man, perhaps on the edge of insanity, and it worked very well.
Guess they needed a bit more than love in their case. You stare at him, and he avoids your eyes. I'm just saying that they would have benefitted a lot more with a knife to Wormtail's throat than any more bloody love. - That line was so in character for Sirius and really showed the sort of mood he was often in during OotP, when obviously the loneliness and the uselessness he felt got the better of him.
And finally the last section - that is just glorious. I love how you rely on dialogue for it, whilst there is no dialogue in the rest of the story. The rest of the story feels a little reflective, even though it's in present tense, whereas in the final section I was right in the excitement of the moment. Plus it's just such a Marauder-ish thing to do. It was just the perfect ending for the story - particularly this line "Well, it means we're bloody incredible so we're going to live forever.".
I have just a little bit of criticism:
This line - It’s after a conversation with Arthur Weasley that you see it. Arthur had asked about Sirius, wondering how he was doing. The phrasing just felt a little awkward, perhaps you could just get rid of the second sentence, I think the story would make sense without it.
Also just one time you slipped into past tense - It was after the conversation that you watch Sirius more carefully, - it should be "It is..."
Anyway, I really did love this story, I think it really captured the essence of Remus and Sirius and what became of them.
Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review Katrina! Yes, I didn't realise while writing it, but I guess I really had to delve more into Sirius's personality then Remus's, the fic really is more Sirius-centric, even if it is from Remus' point of view. I went back and fixed the errors you mentioned, thanks for pointing those out, I also agree with the awkward phrasing, I took your advice and got rid of the second sentence. Thanks for the praise on the last part, though it tore me apart inside, I really enjoyed writing it. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
(Signed) · Date:
10/25/11 13:33 · For:
That was nicely done. I had not really thought about how Sirius might cope with being out, and the small things--the tremors, the jumpiness--really feel real and bring home the horror of those years in Azkaban. I really liked that he had Remus to help him through it. What was really sad was to see Remus lose Sirius all over again, so soon.
I really liked the bit at the end. It felt very Marauder-y, and the line about living forever was desperately sad.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review Gina! Yeah, the bit at the end was actually the most depressing to write even though it's the most light-hearted throughout the whole piece. Thanks for reading! :)