MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
12/23/13 17:07 · For:
Hi, Ang. I hope you still check the archives occasionally to see if any more people have read your stories. Even the older stories get looked at from time to time, and this is one of those times.
I enjoyed reading these first two chapters of your story about Harry right after the final battle. Your story is full little good ideas, little observations that make up the tapestry of this momentous period of the Potterverse history, many insightful details.
In Harry’s inner dialogue, I particularly like the description of his thinking of himself as “old” and the previous times in his life as “the olden days”, even though he realizes that it really wasn’t that long ago. I liked that he he was vowing to learn the names of all the dead. “…he would accept her decision without question because he surely would deserve whatever he got” is a good line, showing his refusal the struggle over one more thing (her decision).
You have made good observations in the lines that show that the adrenaline is still surging, stimulated by the sight of the dead bodies (“he found himself fighting the urge to start running”) and that he cannot shift gears instantly. His feeling the need to do the tasks that had been so urgent in recent months, such as finding the last horcrux, and his observation that being able to do nothing was so different both show that he is still on high alert, still running on nerves.
Chapter Two in particular has a whole lot of good lines in it, good dialogue, insightful details. “…How could such a young boy have seen things worse than a room full of dead bodies?” is just one of them; I could cite many more.
As a descriptive piece, full of insight about Harry’s mental states and inner thoughts after the battle, this story works very well. Whether there will be (or would have been) more action in later chapters remains to be seen. The premise and setting have a lot of potential. I’m sorry that you did not finish it. The lack of review by a beta reader shows itself in little spots here and there where there is some unevenness of tone, spots that could be smoothed out a little (as is true with all our stories before the beta gives them a going-over), but the story is probably worth finishing. How will Harry “control the rebound”? He has learned a lot by dealing with the fight against Voldemort. Now he can learn a lot by dealing with the aftermath. Is that were you were going?
I noticed that you said in your intro that this was your first story in the archives. I hope that you have kept on writing, because I expect that you still have good things to say.