MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Rainy2000 (Signed) · Date: 06/09/12 0:51 · For: Chapter 4
I LUFF IT! it's so sad yet so sweet, I think it portrays the characters images perfectly. I can't wait for the next update!

Name: HumanHorcrux (Signed) · Date: 02/08/12 1:26 · For: Chapter 3
Please continue!!! This is fantastic! Now I'm gonna have to snoop around your author page for something else... :P

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Just you (and everyone else) knows, I am still working on the story. I haven't given up. I was stuck for a while, and I've been insanely busy. I am currently working on the next chapter. :) Thanks for your enthusiasm and the review, you've inspired me to really kick it into high gear and get this next chapter done.

Name: baseballblondie (Signed) · Date: 11/10/11 21:40 · For: Chapter 2
oh wow. hard chapter. But I'm still eagerly waiting for the next. As much as Severus loves Lily, I really don't want her to turn to him. :)

Name: FwooperFeathers (Signed) · Date: 10/29/11 23:52 · For: Chapter 2
Still reading, still liking! I think that it will be neat if Snape helped with raising Harry too, but he and Sirius have a few fallouts. This is really good writng! :D

Name: The Dark Lords Right Hand (Signed) · Date: 10/29/11 23:02 · For: Chapter 2
Wow, I'm so glad you didn't leave this as a one-shot. The emotion was really intense, but the Lily making Sirius swear not to attack Snape before he knew who it was made me smile.

Name: nevilleherosnape (Signed) · Date: 10/26/11 4:37 · For: Chapter 1
I love this!

Name: nevilleherosnape (Signed) · Date: 10/25/11 20:04 · For: Chapter 2
I hadn't even factored severus showing up!! Well done!

Name: Rosty (Signed) · Date: 10/21/11 22:58 · For: Chapter 2
This is amazing, and such an interesting concept. Please update soon!! I can't wait! I think the dynamic between sirius, remus and lily is fascinating. I also really hope you keep Severus as a main character, because I think it would make the character relationships even more fascinating! Anyway, amazing job, keep writing!

Name: aubinator (Signed) · Date: 10/09/11 17:31 · For: Chapter 1
Oh my gosh you made me cry. Please write more!

Name: JV Heights (Signed) · Date: 10/05/11 20:24 · For: Chapter 1
Really great! Favorite'd! :-]

Name: baseballblondie (Signed) · Date: 10/04/11 18:43 · For: Chapter 1
This is a really good. I hope that the second chapter gets posted soon!

Name: Simply Being (Signed) · Date: 09/30/11 12:12 · For: Chapter 1

First off, this is an interesting idea. I always appreciate it when authors explore new scenarios, and I don’t think I’ve read this one before. It’s certainly not implausible or without precedent, but I can’t recall reading another scenario like this.

Second, I like that you tried to focus on the emotional repercussions of this idea. However, I did think that it verged on being a little melodramatic at times. For instance:

“No.....No...NOOOO!” The man howled on the floor, the sound leaving his lips eerily animal-like. He beat his fists on the floor as if willing his excess of life to flow through the ground to his best friend. He gazed for a moment at the imitation of his friend cruelly mocking him before curling toward the floor once more, losing himself in his grief.

I’m not a big fan of all-caps words (I don’t like them in the books, either). It just seems like a cheap way of expressing emotion in your writing. You really don’t need it, and I think you sell yourself short when you do it. Your writing is passionate enough on its own without all the caps!

Also, I think it seemed like you were simply relating the grief to the readers instead of really feeling it. I also think that sentences like this seem a little trite:

Lily stared back at him, the tears streaking down his boyish face breaking her heart in two once again. He was too young to have lost his best friend. She was too young to have lost the love of her life. They were all too young for this. Hell, they were hardly out of their teens.

Maybe it’s because I read so many like them in fanfiction. I feel like I’ve read this paragraph many times in fanfiction. While it’s true, it doesn’t feel very original. You definitely don’t seem to struggle with writing at a basic level, but it doesn’t really stand out to me. To be fair, I have been on MNFF a long time. I’ve become jaded, and when everyone’s writing based around the same universe there’s bound to be lots of overlap.

I think the second problem with why I found the emotion to be a little hollow was the lack of build up. Obviously we know how this happens in the books (even though you tweaked it) and we have background knowledge on James and Lily. However, when you simply thrust a reader into an emotional situation it doesn’t resonate as well. I think if you had included a scene between James, Lily, and Harry before it would have worked better. I have to feel their love first to know how sad it is that it’s now gone. I realize that I seem a little cold-hearted; of course the death of James is terrible and tragic. However, I need the emotional build up.

Moving on, your characterization was suitable. Lily’s appropriately devastated but strong. Lupin’s his wise, tried and true self. And of course Sirius is his crazy, overly emotional self. I thought the characterization of the three was good, but it didn’t really give me any further insights into the characters.

I did like the ending, which I thought was poignant without being too dramatic:

Lily turned to Sirius and Remus, who had gathered beside her. They were both entranced by the little boy who so clearly mirrored their friend. “I can’t do this on my own. I’m going to need help. Are you two willing to be around and -- ”


Lily looked around at the two men and little boy that were her life now. She knew the future that lay before her would not be easy or pain-free by any means, but she had finally found her way home.

I love that they interrupted her immediately. It’s something I can picture clearly in my head and it’s significant but understated. Despite my critique I don’t find any huge problems with this, as the writing and characterization are fine. My main problem is that it doesn’t strike much emotion in me when it should, for the aforementioned reasons.

I hope you were able to find this helpful, and I apologize if it seems overly critical! I did like it, I just think it’s much more helpful to an author to over critique than under critique.

Author's Response: Thank you for this detailed review. I do enjoy any response from readers, but I especially enjoy when readers take the time to actually think about what they're reading and comment back. I do greatly appreciate both your praise and your criticism. The aspects you enjoyed were probably the parts I was most proud of. I like exploring new ideas. I truly enjoyed exploring the emotional consequences of that night. And most of all, I did really like the end. So thank you for noticing those things. Thank you, also, for catching things that I don't always catch. In reference to melodramatic scenes, I am not a huge fan, either. So going back, I can see how that would bother you. I'm guessing that I was too caught up in my own writing and the emotion I was feeling that I missed how it would translate actually written out. In reference to your comment about your lack of connection to the emotion because of the lack of backstory, I get it. I do. It was a choice I made that may not have been the best, but I was actually planning on a memory making it into the next chapter. So that's the reasoning there. I do agree that backstory gives us a reference point; seeing what once was makes it all the more devastating to lose. I'm trying to fit more backstory into later chapters. Again, thank you for all this criticism. I will try to take it all into consideration when continuing on with this. I hope you will continue reading, and enjoy it, if only somewhat. :)

Name: FwooperFeathers (Signed) · Date: 09/25/11 12:29 · For: Chapter 1
Usually I don't like AU, but that was awesome! ;)
You should do some of this from Harry's POV that would be really cool!

Author's Response: Wow, that is a fantastic idea! I hadn't even thought of that... that would be really fascinating and really touching. Thanks, and thanks for the praise as well! :)

Name: princess_jaklyn (Signed) · Date: 09/24/11 11:38 · For: Chapter 1
I really liked how you wrote this and I can't wait to see more :)

Name: tryagain4me (Signed) · Date: 09/23/11 17:53 · For: Chapter 1
Awesome!! Please please finish!

Name: Envy_I_May_Be (Signed) · Date: 09/23/11 6:48 · For: Chapter 1
I thought this was a beautifully written story. I loved the emotion and the wording, and loved the story itself. It's a very unique take on that fateful night; I enjoyed it a lot. I look forward to reading more from you!

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much. I really enjoyed writing it, and I'm glad you felt the same way. It was something that had been on my heart for a while, and I really needed to get it out there. Second chapter should be up sometime soon. Thanks again for your praise! :)

Name: karin (Signed) · Date: 09/21/11 15:08 · For: Chapter 1
A great prologue for an alternative view of Harry's First Year at Hogwarts. Does he have a 'whole' family or is Lily still too wrapped up in James' death to care for Harry? Do Harry & Lily have relationships with Petunia & Dudley? Is Dudley different since Petunia still has Lily and doesn't need to smother him? Does he meet Ron for the first time on the train, or does he already know the Weasleys- since they are a well-known family? Is he still a Griffendor or will he be sorted into a different house? Lots of questions... answers needed!

Name: bearfoot (Signed) · Date: 09/19/11 10:46 · For: Chapter 1
Wonderful premise. Please add more.

Name: bigtimer (Signed) · Date: 09/18/11 4:49 · For: Chapter 1
really well done, i think you should continue the story not end it here. I'd love to read more of this story.

Name: Nilary (Signed) · Date: 09/16/11 18:41 · For: Chapter 1
need. more. now! i almost started crying!!

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