Hello!!!! I've come to drop a review into your lap!
Love is undeniable and undefinable,
But I always knew.
She would and could never be mine,
Although my love was true.
I rather liked how this started out. It reminded me not only of the song by Adele, but it reminded me of another song by Madonna, "Like A Prayer." It may be due to the fact that you start out by saying that love is basically a mystery. The rhyme scheme is simple and I find that it actually works for the poem, though I feel that perhaps it could have done without the rhyme. It is Snape that is talking after all, but the rhyme actually allowed the simple language take over. Very nice!
And it happened just the way I thought it would.
Slowly but surely their love grew.
The thing I dreaded most:
But I always knew.
Gah. I hate James Potter, and this only makes me like him less. I really like the anaphora of "I knew" that is present in the poem. It is rather poignant and sad, and is totally relatable because we sometimes do know that something won't go our way, yet we try for it anyway, to show we can deny fate- but sometimes we can't. Poor Severus... I'm curious as to whether or not you support Sev/Lily.
It was to come slow and steady.
The tortoise not the hare.
And to tell her how I feel,
I would never dare.
Things always seem to happen slow- but then they also seem fast at the same time. But I like how you said it was slow, because it shows that Severus could have won, but he was too scared and let time slip away from him. Plus, by alluding to the tortoise, I am surprised that the tortoise, who I am assuming is Snape, didn't win! It takes a cliche and makes it fresh. James was too much of a Hare, yet he still won...
And then just like in my dreams,
Nightmares more or less,
I lost her for this life time,
Bound by love to my eternal test.
Truthfully, I'm confused at the eternal test part. What does it mean? What are you trying to say? That he is in a test for eternity? But what test?
Please treat her well, sir,
She deserves the very best.
I loved her through and through,
But alas, I always knew.
Hmm. I didn't like the word sir. I think it works better without that word. Snape still hates James, remember? And "please" seems not at all like Snape either. I think the line would read better as "Treat her well." Snape would be more commanding, and by taking out "please" and "sir" helps the line become so.
Also, your rhyme scheme doesn't fit. In all the other stanzas, your 2nd and 4th lines rhymed; in the last stanza, you didn't do that. Consistency is the key when it comes to rhyme- so I suggest switching the middle lines to keep the rhyme scheme. The stanza will still make sense, and then it will be consistent with the rest of the poem.
Overall, I really enjoyed this! Poor Severus! He is my favorite character and it breaks my heart that he didn't get his love. I suppose it was inevitable, like your poem suggests, but there is a part of me that hopes their love is revived in another fan fiction.... :)
Keep it up!
Hello! Carole/Equinox Chick just recommended this poem to me, and I have to say, I loved it :) I'm a huge fan of Adele and rhyming poems, so I really enjoyed reading this. I loved the structure of it as well, and I think my favourite line was Slowly but surely their love grew.
You did very well in conveying the feel of Someone Like You. Well done :)
Author's Response: Haha yes I am an Adele fan through and through as well. Thanks for the review! -Emma
Hi there, I thought I should return the favour and leave you a review for your poem.
I like the structure here, and am thinking this is a pantoum (?).Tthe near repetition of certain lines reminds me of that form and it works well here. You've done well to convey Snape's thoughts in relatively few words. His love/obsession tends to define him in the books and in fanfiction and this is no different, but at the same time you show a reflectiveness about him that isn't seen.
I liked the flow of this poem and the rhyming certainly assisted that as well as the repetition of key lines. ~Carole~
Author's Response: Oh thank you so much for your review! It was my first ever... :D -Emma