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Reviews For While He Leaves

Name: Nagini Riddle (Signed) · Date: 10/01/12 15:39 · For: While He Leaves
Remorse in her eyes and a single tear
Racing down swifter than sound.
Heart shattered, swirling with fear
Will he come back this time around?

Oh, the language used is so beautiful and heart-wrenching! I especially liked the first two lines. They caught my breath, because the imagery just hits me and I can see Hermione with a single tear (single was the perfect word to use) that falls thickly and fast to the ground.

Racing down swifter than sound,
He finds his way through the green;
Will he go back this time around?
Unhurt, unscathed, pristine?

My only problem was the word "unhurt." It doesn't fit with your other choice of words, and sounds a little childish. However, none of the words I think of fit... So maybe "unhurt" works in the long run... :) Now I'm just babbling.

He finds his way through the green
As she calls his name in vain
She hopes he is unhurt and pristine,
That he goes through no more pain.

I love the second line because it pricks my heart and makes me feel her pain. As for the third line, I would change it to "she hopes he is unscathed, pristine" because it helps the rhythm.

She calls his name in vain
He hears her but Apparates on
She only hopes he goes through no pain
And he does repent but the chance is gone.

Hmm. The second line doesn't work for me. And I just noticed that you are rhyming!!!!! So, I would find another rhyme for gone... maybe "but he is silent as the dawn." This gives some more imagery to your poem, too. But you can ignore my suggestion if you so choose.

He hears her but Apparates on
Knowing the remorse in her eyes and the lone tear
He does repent but the chance is gone
He knows her shattered heart, filled with fear.

This last stanza is so touching and beautiful! I think you captured the pantoum really well, and I love the last line! Shattered heart is such a gorgeous, yet melancholic image!!!!! I remember a movie I saw where a queen actually shattered into many pieces, having been a manifestation of a mirror. The shattered heart feels similar! :)

Great job overall! Way to tackle form. I find it one of the more difficult parts of poetry but you captured it very well! Keep up the good work.

~Nagini Riddle

Author's Response: Nagini!

I'm incredibly sorry about the late response. I didn't know how to reply-- oh, this is such a wonderful review! :) But anyway-- I am glad you like this poem. It's one of the few I've written, and I'm not a very good poet, ha!

I'm glad the first few lines impressed you. For a pantoum, the first four lines are the most important, and that has to be sorted before anything else. In the second para, I went with 'unhurt' because I wanted it to be childish. It's like... we become like childern at such times. When we hope, when we love someone, our mind is childish, desperate-- this is what I wanted to show, really.

I will see what I can do about the third para rhythm, as for the fourth para, I'm afraid I have to get him to Apparate, because he's going away-- he can't hear here, he just knows, but he has to go, and being silent and standing there makes it stationary. I will, however, see how I can improve the rhythm. :)

I love the shattering heart imagery-- because I think that's how it feels. Personally, I haven't been through heartbreak, but I've witnessed it's effects on other people and it seems like such a shattering, terrible thing! And I'm glad you like the poem. :) Thank you for the review! :)))

Name: GinnyPotter95 (Signed) · Date: 07/29/12 5:54 · For: While He Leaves
Beautiful Poem! I love all your stories! I can't wait for Eastern Dawn Stars(I kinda know what it's about from Nadia's thread lol).~Nidhi

Author's Response: Hey, Nidhi! Thank you so very much for the review! And EDS has been in the queue for a while now. Should be up soon! And oh, I'm flattered that you like my stories. :-) Thank you!

Name: Equinox Chick (Signed) · Date: 02/16/12 9:56 · For: While He Leaves
OOOOH, a Pantoum. Having just suffered the trauma of writing my own, and finding it sadly difficult and lacking, I was a bit hesitant about clicking on yours.

But this is really well done. The lines that need to be repeated don't sound at all forced and you have a very good flow and rhythm to the poem. I like the fact that you've kept some lines exactly the same (this is SO effective in the first two stanzas) but have twisted others around.

Unhurt, unscathed, pristine?

Even the punctuation here works well :)

The emotions in this poem are so very true to canon. I love the way you've shown both sides here because in the book we see Ron's anger and Hermione's tears from Harry's POV, but we don;t see Ron's sadness and enormous regret.

Knowing the remorse in her eyes and the lone tear

This was the only line I stumbled on (and then only mildly). I think it's too long, and I'm not sure about the word 'knowing' (perhaps 'seeing' instead?).

I really enjoyed this poem, though. It looks effortless and nothing about it is at all forced.

Well done. ~Carole~

Author's Response: Ooh, a second review from you for this poem! Again, sorry I'm a douche! I actually quite enjoyed writing this pantoum. I'm lazy and I like it when two likes of each verse are pre-determined and I just have to think of two more. I did try writing another pantoum and I hated it. It's at the back of my college notebook written in pencil and signed and everything and it never came into my laptop. To be fair, the lines were easy enough to twist around and the poem was so short in itself that it wasn't difficult at all.And I had some rhythm issues too which I wanted to sorted out and will sort out according to your suggestion. I think Ron is a largely underestimated character in the fanfiction world because no one ever seems to want to think that he may have genuine feeling and that he's not stupid. It so annoys me when people do that. And I'm glad I didn't make a mistake in characterising him. Sometimes I doubt my own characterisation so much... Thank you for the review, Carole and orry again! *huggles*

Name: lucilla_pauie (Signed) · Date: 08/11/11 0:25 · For: While He Leaves
*looks up pantoum* Oh wow. I love this, Pooja. It's delicious to read. The pantoum is so right to convey the emotions here with the repeated lines.

Author's Response: Pauie! Thank you so much! This was my first try at a definitive poetry style. :p I'm so glad you liked it. *huggles*

Name: Equinox Chick (Signed) · Date: 08/09/11 23:24 · For: While He Leaves
Awwww, I like this. I haven't started my pantoum yet, so am impressed you've mastered it so well. This is a sweet poem and nicely encapsulates Ron and Hermione.

Repent does he but the chance is gone

This is worded a bit oddly and had me stumbling when I read it both times. 'Repent does he' is a bit too Shakespearean and doesn't quite fit with the wording of the rest of the poem. I think you should switch it to 'he does repent' or 'Repent he does' . Minor point, but thought I'd mention it.


Author's Response: Oh, once you start the pantoum, you'll realise that it isn't all that hard. ;) But yes, I thought such a poem would sound best for something emotional or deep. Oh, and about that line, I've been unsure with the words too. I thought something didn't fit quite well, but I wasn't able to point out the mistake. Thanks for pointing that out to me, I'll change it right away. *huggles* :) And thanks for the review too! :)

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