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Reviews For Two Halves

Name: DemelzaRobins (Signed) · Date: 03/17/12 0:40 · For: I Don't Have a Raisin
Please write more. This is funny, and I'd really, really, really like to read more. :)

Name: MagicMandy (Signed) · Date: 09/03/11 5:56 · For: I Don't Have a Raisin
I wonder why no one ever thought of this pairing before? It's cute, it's funny, so why not? This is a really good idea, and everyone is in character. Good job!

Name: welshdevondragon (Signed) · Date: 08/17/11 9:10 · For: I Don't Have a Raisin
I thought the premise of your story in the summary sounded very interesting and so was eager to read it. However I was slightly concerned that it was in the humour category, given that you imply after the war an obviously very damaged George would reunite with Padma/ Parvati depending on which one you decide to kill off. That doesn't sound to me like a humorous set up but since this is the first chapter I cannot tell whether you will continue with the light-hearted, relaxed tone that you establish here.

One thing I liked about the chapter was the dialogue, which sounded very naturalistic. You used only a few words to describe the tone of their voices which was simple but effective throughout, as was your introduction with the twins. A minor note about dialogue punctuation, however. When dialogue finishes, if the next part does not use a dialogue tag (i.e a “saying” word) then the dialogue should finish in a dash rather than a comma. That is, in your first sentence “All right, mate,” Fred patted his twin on the back” it should be “All right, mate.” Fred patter his twin on the back.” It is a minor point, but one you can easily fix.

Another minor point is that spells are generally italicised, but as long as you’re consist this wouldn’t really bother me. What does sound odd is that George casts a spell without a wand. I mean he’s been a wizard all his life, I think he’d find it odd to say a spell word without a wand in his hand. Also “Stupefy” is quite harsh- it is intended to knock the person unconscious, given George just wants Fred to ask the Patils on a date with them. I also think, given it is Fred and George, it might be a spell that’s more amusing- a Tickle Charm or something like that.

I do like the banter between Fred and George, but I think it would be good to establish a sense of location in your story. Since they’re asking the Patil twins out, they must still be at Hogwarts and since the Patil twins are in different houses, are not in the Gryffindor common room. Although you mention they are in a corridor, this is relatively a long way into your chapter. I think establishing it earlier would give the reader a clearer sense of where the Weasley twins are talking.

Also since the Patil twins are in different houses, therefore probably have slightly different friendship groups, I think you should mention that the twins have seen the Patils i.e there won’t be a particular place where they can always find them. I also found it slightly odd that the twins were studying in an alcove. Surely, given this is a boarding school, a spare classroom or the library would be more suitable?

I do like the banter between Fred and George, particularly regarding them being sexy. However so far you’ve only got Fred and George’s word for it, later confirmed by the Patils, that they are. I know this is fanfiction so anyone on MNFF will have an idea of what the Weasley twins are like, but I think it would be good to have some narration describing them and describing them so we don’t have just the twins word for it. I know attraction is in the eye of the beholder, but I think it would be nice to have a slightly less biased voice establish that they’re like this.

I found this sentence “Padma's eyes never left hers.” slightly confusing. You’ve just said Parvati looked back at the Potions text book, so does this mean Padma is staring at her sister? Surely at the twins would be more likely. Also, given that the Weasleys are two years than the Patils this, usually, means the Patils will be more inclined to say yes. I think if you’d gone into a bit more detail about this dynamic than that would have made a fuller and more interesting scenario.

I also don’t understand how Padma staring at them with mild disgust causes Forge to think “This was perfect. Almost too perfect”. It felt as if there was a bit of dialogue or thought process missing, rather than flowing naturally on. As another minor nitpick- you can’t sigh silently. Or, at least, I’ve never heard it happen, so Padma and Parvati would obviously notice his relief. Given you then switch from the Weasleys POV to the Patils, this would be a good point to do it, as well as add some narration about how the Patils feel about being asked on a date by older, handsome people who are not only on the Quidditch team but famous mischief makers (particularly since this is during OOTP?). If you establish this it would also make the last line more built up towards and more amusing.
br> Like i said, your strength is naturalistic and amusing dialogue, which I thoroughly enjoyed. However I think by adding narration, the character’s thoughts and a sense of location this story could be improved. I will definitely be reading the next chapter.


Name: armagod679 (Signed) · Date: 08/16/11 11:18 · For: I Don't Have a Raisin
A situation that I, and I'm sure my twin, can readily identify with. The twins are hypnotically sexy!

Anyway, this is very well written and believable. The pickup line is one of the best I've heard. I love the way both sets of twins play off not only their twins but the other set, if that makes sense. I can't wait to read more!

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