That was a truly perfect chapter (hopefully not ending). forsakenpheonix had me laughing through out the creative piece, you should be proud your work, I hope there are more chapters to come!
I love this story to bits! I have always been fascinated by the Marauder era and found this chapter really and absolutely perfect. Expect another comment once I read the next installment!
Well hello there,
I used to peruse the Marauder category a lot, but I can honestly say that I have never come across a fic quite like yours. The writing style is very unique, and you have successfully avoided most of the clichés that tend to bombard stories within the category. So first and foremost, I praise you for that. For your first story submitted to this category, you have done a fantastic job.
Throughout the chapter, I really enjoyed your distinct style of writing. The sentence structure is simple, yet so much is conveyed in so few words. No time is wasted with detail; the story here is told in a very deliberate way. In all honesty I wasn’t completely sure of how this would work for a full chapter, but my worries were soon put to rest. It was very effective here. It unfurled like a storybook, and had an almost fable-type feel to it, which is incredibly unique in this category of fan fiction.
I found it interesting that the majority of this fic – not just this chapter – is told from Peter’s third-person perspective. I really like how you’ve characterized him, also. He’s not the wimpy, brainless idiot often seen in fics of his teenage years, but there’s an obvious disparity between how he views the world and how the other Marauders view the world. I loved this line: Peter was thrilled to realize the potential for his Animagus, being small enough to disappear into the shadows would prove to be a valuable asset. It really encompasses both his value to the group, but also his desire to be accepted by them. You had several lines that I felt really nailed the complex character that Peter is, and this was one of them. I also thought it was really neat that Peter was the one who, in the end, figured out the spell to show the names on the Marauders Map.
The only thing I was worried about in this chapter was the portrayal of Remus. In the other chapter he was fairly well-rounded, and I think that probably comes from a portion of the chapter being told from his point of view. However I felt that here, he was leaning a little toward the cliché ‘brains’ of the group, so to speak. It is mentioned that Remus was smart, but in the books it’s almost inferred that James and Sirius were even more so without having to study. Just the way he was the one casting all the spells for the map made me think this way, but as I said before, it might just be because that portion wasn’t from his point of view.
Finally, the story itself – the creation of the Marauder’s Map – was well-told. It has been the focus of many, many one-shots or chaptered stories, yet somehow you managed to make it a refreshing tale. Maybe this was because of the interesting style used, but I feel it had more to do with the way you showed them really collaborating, working as a group to create it. Through this one instance you gave insight to the dynamic of their friendship and how they worked together. Even the way they came up with each other’s nicknames was really clever. I liked how it didn’t seem as though one particular person was the ‘leader’ of the group, so to speak – although you very clearly showed that Peter did not consider himself one. It made the friendship seem more plausible overall, and I think you did a very good job with it.
I look forward to reading more of this story. Great job so far!
This is a good story. I like the way you've portrayed all the Marauders and not fallen into the trap of making Peter a total tag-a-long. His feelings of disappointment when he turns into a rat are very on the money as are James' attempts to placate him and the surprise that Sirius comes up with the best reason for being a rat. Remus, too, was great. His low self-esteem and reliance on his friends was nicely portrayed.
I think you have a small timeline issue - but it's not much. In POA, Remus says that when his friends discovered he was a werewolf, they took the best part of three years learning to become Animagi. The achieved this in their fifth year. So that puts their discovery in year two. It's very, very minor, but just thought I'd mention it.
Look forward to next chapter. ~Carole~
I love this story so far, can't wait to see where it goes!