MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Reviews For A Friar's Story

Name: Evora (Signed) · Date: 12/01/11 4:51 · For: Chapter 1
Firstly, I liked how you started the story. How you described the opening scene was vivid and clear with just a few words. The whole story was written very well although there were minor mishaps (nitpicks actually):

He shook he head, moving about, collecting the half empty bottles filled with chartreuse liquid commonly associated with Goblin Scotch.

It should be "he shook his head."

The characters stayed mostly in character. Mostly because at the first scenes, I noticed Mr Watson speaking in a French accent. Then as the story progressed, this was discontinued, although I do suspect that the accent was the effect of the drunken state he was in. I'm not really sure. Besides that, it seemed weird that his first name was never mentioned though it wasn't really that important. I liked how he was characterized though, through the birth of his son and through Nick's letter. He really showed his faithfulness to his wife when it was mentioned that his wife had already still-born babies. How awful. In the beginning, it didn't really show how Mr Watson played a great role in the early years of the Friar's life. I thought the Friar acted upon his responsibility as the help of the people. It was only until Mr Watson was mentioned in Nick's letter that I knew.

The Friar stayed consistent throughout the story and I commend you for that. His kindness was always there and he didn't contradict any of what he thought or said. He also had a personality; he's not just a religious man that preached in every road, he has his preferences (as shown in his dislike to the Smiths and the overload of yellow decors). My favorite scene of his is the part where he treads around the snow:

He was walking slowly, noticing the effects his presence had on the snow. It was crunched under his weight, melted slightly from his natural body-heat, and reshaped by the form of his feet. The snow before him was untouched and he felt slightly stricken by the idea of tainting such a dazzling beauty.

I thought that this was a beautiful paragraph. It's very simple yet heart warming.

The plot was all in all, organized, although I wish you stated the time each scene was written. The plot didn't really flow well altogether since the birth of Benedick didn't connect to Nick's notice of his death. I also didn't know the time this letter was written until the last part because Benedick's age jump confused me. The story was short, but it was good. A few more scenes would have been better because I felt that it was too short.

I loved Nick and Friar's friendship. I especially loved how the Friar kept his promise without a second thought despite it went against his religious morals. I just wish that there were more scenes that would have aptly depicted the Friar's deep relationship with Nick because I don't think that the Friar would have stayed as a ghost in eternity for just anyone.

Good story, and I hope you keep writing more! Good luck! :-)

Author's Response: G'day, thank you for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Unfortunately the story had been for a drabble compitition so I couldn't add to much more without going over word limit in each scene. I also had two prompts I had to use. Also, I figured in the time period, they didn't really use first names. Sorry for the confusion with the jumping of timelines and I did find it funny that you say Mr Watson's drunken slurs as a French accent. I'll have to take note and make sure the slurs are more accurate to drunks. Thank you again. ...xXxBlack-SandxXx...

Name: Kerichi (Signed) · Date: 06/26/11 16:03 · For: Chapter 1

I liked your characterization of the Fat Friar, the way he nudged drunkards awake with his boot and was surprised that a newborn was so tiny after assuring the couple he'd had training to deliver a child.  

In the first sentence, you have "He scrunched his nose to the onslaught of smells." Since a smell isn't corporeal, it might be better phrased scrunched his nose in reaction to the smells. Something else I noticed throughout was the use of dialogue tags that repeat what the dialogue itself says: slurred, admitted, reminded, assured, corrected, scolded, joked, promised. It's called said bookism, the use of different verbs to avoid said (or asked or replied). When too many said bookisms are used, it's like you don't trust the reader to understand that when someone says "Shush" that they're scolding, etc.  

I've used said bookisms myself, so I understand the appeal, and I don't expect you to change anything.  I'm just bringing them to your attention to give you something to consider in future writing.

I enjoyed the story, and in places thought if we were allowed two categories this would do well in the humor category, especially during Nicholas' letter relating the reason for his beheading.

The Friar's friendship with Nicholas was unexpected, in a good way, and his decision to remain as a ghost of Hogwarts, was a nice interpretation of canon. 


Author's Response: G'day I've read many of your stories and find you one of the best on this site so it is great to know you like my story. Thanks for the comment on the bookism, I was worried I had been doing that. With Nickolas, I checked on a HP sight and it turns out that is how he died, so I can't take credit for it because, alas, it came from J.K. Thank you for the review and I'm glad to know you like the story, I worked hard on it. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...

Name: armagod679 (Signed) · Date: 06/26/11 4:52 · For: Chapter 1
I love the characterization of the Friar. He is a ghost we never give much thought to in the books except that he seems a lot more cheerful about being dead than most of the others. Your story gives a wonderful life and death to the man. I love the story of the baby and the idea of three boys running into the forest on dares. Very well done indeed.

Author's Response: G'day Thank you, I worked hard to get the fellow Hufflepuff correct. It was the fact that he is a cheerful ghost that I wrote him like that. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...

You must login (register) to review.