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Reviews For Traitors

Name: Kerichi (Signed) · Date: 09/16/11 7:03 · For: Chapter 2: Promises

Hi, Nadia, I like your premise very much. When I read “based on a true story” I thought you meant a true wizard story, and that was interesting claim, but based on a Muggle story is intriguing, too. The Prologue introduces the goblin conspirators and gives just enough information to make me want to read the next chapter to see what happens. That was well done.  In the end notes of chapter one, you say that you know the chapter is a bit overdramatic, but the story hasn’t properly started yet, and I have to disagree. Readers know that wizards will attend a conference with goblins under the false belief that goblins want to “get on good terms with them” and be in peril. That is a proper start. The melodrama comes from the descriptions.

Although the pov is third person omniscient, the goblins are described in ways that show narrator bias and make them stereotypical bad guys. Bordock “narrowed his eyes, distorting his already-grotesque face even more.” And soon afterward, “the ugly face of a large, brawny goblin came into view.” If you cut out “the ugly face of” out, the description in the following sentence would show his face and let the reader decide if it’s ugly.

and soon a large, brawny goblin came into view. The flickering light of the flames threw relief to the deep cuts scarring his face. His small eyes were bloodshot.

In the last paragraph of chapter one, if you cut the sentence about Bordock’s laugh sending a chill down someone’s spine, you’d keep the drama without veering into melodrama:

Bordock threw his head backwards and laughed loudly. His laugh reverberated off the walls of the chamber. Argunk and Gorbuk joined in with him, and together the three goblins celebrated at the doom that was about to befall.

The element I found missing, that kept a proper start from being a spectacular start, was motivation. The goblins look forward to their “long-awaited freedom,” but what does that mean? How do they feel oppressed? If you’d shown that, woven it into the dialogue that happens before Gorbuk arrives, or even when Bordock starts roaring about the victory to come, I think it would have given depth to the story. The Bangladesh Rifles had specific reasons for revolting against their officers. Reasons aren’t excuse, but they do allow understanding and complexity when it comes to stories.

Chapter two struck me as a nice series of calm before the storm moments that gave background information and set up the time of the revolt with the family Quidditch match on Thursday.  Because of its switch in tone and pov from the prologue, consider using a line at the beginning like Shell Cottage, Cornwall and then a space to show the break and create a smoother transition.

My favorite line was Bill telling Fleur, “But after seeing you I feel much more… energetic.” It was spot on Bill Weasley to me. Him blushing at being caught kissing his wife, though, didn’t ring as true to my perception of the character, and it was hard to believe he’d forget a huge family dinner or mentally slap himself. His interaction with the girls, however,  struck me as very “dad” with Bill promising Dominique a garden to stop a quarrel and then pretending not to see them pout after he says it’s time for bed.

The end of chapter two was sweet. I just wish it had been less so: that Fleur, instead of acting wifely/motherly and kissing Bill “once” and saying, “Let’s go to sleep now. You’ve got work tomorrow. Ze senior curse breaker does not want to be late, does ‘e?” took off her negligee and asked, “Are you still feeling energetic?” I smile to think of the grin on Bill’s face as he strips off his pyjama top and answers, “Mais oui!”







Author's Response: Hi, Kerichi :)

Thanks for the lovely review! I'm sorry for not responding earlier; I just logged into my account today and saw it. I'll reread the story and fix the mistakes that you pointed out; I think you are right about me being a bit biased - since I have a personal connection to the revolt (my dad was supposed to be there, and those who died were my dad's colleagues), I do seem to be a bit biased against them. I think that reflected in my writing. I'll fix those and be more neutral. And the reasons for the revolt will be explained in later chapters. Suspence, hehe ^_^.

I'll also be changing the last part of chapter two - I like your version better :P.

Once again, thanks for the review! --Nadia.

Name: Equinox Chick (Signed) · Date: 06/12/11 7:15 · For: Prologue: Plans
Interesting .... I can't wait to see what is going to happen. I'm worried for Kingsley, if he's the Minister. If it's Fudge, though, then I don't care - you can kill him off early -LOL.

Good start, Nadia, and an original take on a rebellion in the Magical World. ~Carole~

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing, Carole! It really made my day! *squishes*. Sadly, the Minister is Kingsley, as the story is post Hogwarts:( ... (I'd have loved killing Fudge off, though :P). Thanks for your compliments, hon, and once again, thanks for reviewing! --Nadia

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