Very good story. I used to watch the Mentalist all the time. I appreciate that you took the time to fill in the background story. Too bad you had to kill Bill. I was wondering why Gabriella killed Dominique if she loved her but I know things like that happen.
My handwriting is so bad that I can't even read it sometimes so I can't critique someone else's. How some people sign their names is sometimes a mystery to me. Sometimes it's a squiggly line. Anyway, I still don't believe Rose did it but Gabriella has some possibilities. I hope people don't die from lactose allergy. I'm lactose intolerant but still eat dairy once in a while when I deem it worth the risk. I never thought to worry about eating an ice cream cone at Dairy Queen.
This Rose is a bit annoying. If she really thinks she is innocent she should take the veritaserum. I don't think she did it but we shall see.
Was that Dominique Weasley? Wow, that was a cliff hanger. Scorpius had a daughter? Can't wait to read on.
Oh my word I love it! I was completely hooked as I read it, I wanted to know who did it, Rose just seemed to obvious. Beautiful
Hiya Abi :) Thank you for the review. I'm so glad you liked it. This story is probably my baby because I really, really wanted to get it right. Anyway, ta again; I really appreciate your review, and I'm hoping to write some of those follow-up one-shots at some point... but atm, GCSEs are taking priority.
Oh my.... Wow. That was just wow. I ship Rose and Scorpius so damn hard!!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I <3 Scorose too :)
This does exactly what a Prologue ought to, Soraya, it sets up the major plot arc really well. You set up a lot of backstory into the investigation but without it feeling like an info dump, and the newspaper is a really clever device to do that because it makes it natural for Scorpius to be considering the necessary details of the case.
I did feel though like the story didn't perhaps grab me at the very start as fast as it might have done. I wonder if it might perhaps make the opening a little stronger to shift those first two paragraphs about Scorpius's working relationship with Harry and Adam to a little later and launch instead straight into the third paragraph and the details of the case, which is the part that really sparks the reader's interest and the point at which the story really did start to grip me.
A serial killer makes for an interesting premise, because even in the mystery genre, the modern, serial killer-based, crime novel style is rarely done in fanfiction, so it instantly makes me feel like your story will be refreshingly different. The macabre signature adds an element of intrigue too, although I found the reference to the blood being magically extracted a little jarring because it just felt a tiny bit contrived to me, as if you felt you needed something to set it apart from Muggle crimes. Perhaps it may actually be a feature that is important later, but if that's the case, then I just feel like it might benefit from being developed a little further here to feel a bit more natural than it does as a passing reference.
Obviously, it's a very short chapter so there's a limit on the amount of character development possible, but I did feel like Scorpius was relatable and I warmed to him and felt for him in his shock and grief at the end of the chapter. The only note of caution I'd add is that sometimes it's just not necessary to tell the reader something when you've already shown it through what a character says or does. I really like the insight into Scorpius' upbringing that he'd been taught that respect was key but that didn't mean interaction was permitted, but I felt like the line, He hated it when minorities were discriminated or stereotyped like that, wasn't really necessary. You'd already showed that was how he felt by his reaction to what Adam said. I know there's a natural tendency as an author to want to distance yourself from a character saying something that makes you uncomfortable and to really highlight that you don't share their prejudices, but for me having that in the narrative too just felt like a little too much emphasis on a fairly minor point.¬†
The chapter as a whole sets up enough questions to spark my interest and make me want to know what answers will come, just as a good mystery should, as well as totally shocking me at the end with the twist about Scorpius' daughter that I really didn't see coming! If you can jolt me quite so much with such a small revelation, I have a feeling that this is somewhere that your skill really lies and you will probably manage to make the big revelations, which are an inevitable part of a mystery, truly earth shattering.
Hannah! Wow, thank you for such a wonderful review. I'm so honoured to have been reviewed by you <3
This was written quite a while ago, but it is probably my favourite simply because it's Scorose XD Anyway, I know what it's like to have the info dump, and I'm glad -- and flattered -- to find that you thought the information wasn't overboard or anything. Re the start: I know, I suck at beginning anything, lol. Sorry. I know, it was a bit information overload with Scorpius and Adam and Harry, but it was kind of important for the plot etc. so I needed it, though you're completely right that it should have been written later on.
I've always wanted to write a crimey/mystery/serial killer story. I don't know why, probably because I love crime shows (especially the Mentalist -- Patrick Jane is my husband :D) and crime books. I'm glad you thought the premise was original, though part of that is obviously down to Kara, for setting the Mysterious May challenge. I'm also pleased you liked the MO of the killer, though I definitely agree that it was a bit jarring. It was kind of... well, yeah, it was supposed to be distinctly set apart from Muggle crimes (i.e. a wizard/witch did it).
I think you reviewed Checkmate too, and you said something similar about showing/telling. Sorry :S I'm pretty busy right now, but when I have some time spare, I will definitely consider your critique if I edit this. On the plus side, though, you liked Scorpius, which is something :)
I'm really glad you liked the twist at the end! There are a few more to come, as expected for a mystery, lol (but only if you decide to read on, that is). I always planned for Scorpius to have a child with Dominique so I'm pleased, sort of, that it shocked you XD
Thank you, Hannah, for the thorough and honest review. Muchly appreciated :)
Good story, I just wish Gabriella had been caught.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Gabby's got a complicated storyline that I'm still trying to get out of my head and on the screen, so it'll be a while until you find out what happens,.
I loved the ending! I was on edge the entire chapter and the last bit made me cry. Anything Harry Potter related right now is making me a wee bit emotional come to think of it...Anyway, this was very well done! I also have never met a Doctor with nice handwriting...maybe I should become a doctor, i fit the messy handwriting requirement at least. I can't wait to see what you cook up next!
Author's Response: I'm glad you loved the ending. And it made you cry? I always feel guilty when I make readers cry. :( Haha, no, I haven't met a single doctor with nice handwriting, although in my OF, there is a married couple who are both doctors (a surgeon and a general practitioner) and I'm planning on one of them, if not both, having nice writing.
I'm going through a major block in my writing so far, so I hope I can write again. Thanks for the review.
I was right! Well... at least I guessed that it wasn't Rose. As much as I didn't really like Rose when she first appeared, I have come to like her as the story went on. I suppose I can understand her feeling awkward about her parents knowing everything that she knew and that had happened.
I was very shocked when Bill died. I have to say, I was also shocked when Bill, Oliver and Scorpius used Avada Kedavra... but I suppose Harry used Unforgivables at times (though never this one) and certainly wanted to kill people.
The story behind the crime(s) is very plausible - love is certainly one of the most common murder motives (at least in crime fiction it is). Also I think it's clever that you made Gabriella a Zabini - after what her grandmother did - that was a nice connection.
The ending of this story was just beautiful, and it really showed that the investigation may be over (and I assume Gabriella was found), but 11 innocent people have still died, and that is going to continue to have a huge impact on those who cared for them.
Once again, your dialogue is absolutely fantastic and I can't believe how well you managed to resolve this in one chapter! When I saw that this was the last chapter, I was a little surprised because it seemed like there were a lot of ends to tie up... but you did it really well. I'm glad you showed the flashback, it really cleared things up. That night in December 2023 was certainly fateful...
Sorry that this is short, but I have to go now - this was a wonderful story, probably my favourite of yours. Your writing was fantastic and your characterisations were excellent and it was just an all-round great read.
Author's Response: I still don't like Rose, so the fact that you've grown to like her is a really, really good thing :) And I shocked you? Yay me :P Bill was always going to die -- I plotted his death when I did Fleur's. And Bill, Oliver and Scorpius all had motive to kill Gabriella -- retribution. Revenge for their respective daughters' deaths. So I'm glad you got that, ditto the love motive. I was worried it wasn't going to be plausible or something.
Gabriella was not found. Her story will continue, sooner or later -- basically whenever RL calms down and I can sit down and write a story without worrying about anything. I'm glad you thought I tied things up properly -- again, I was worried I would leave something out. Don't ever apologise for leaving a "short" review, though; your reviews always brighten my day and what's better is that they're not even oneliners or anything. And this is your favourite? That's funny -- Alex said the same thing. I think you two are more than a little barmy for liking my work, but, as Jess once said, my ego thanks you :) Hugs and squishes to you for your wonderful reviews! And I don't think I've told you, but I have nominated a story of yours for the QSQs as well -- Curiosity. That's two nominations you've got now! Nice one!
Haha I know, I don't think I've ever met a doctor with neat handwriting either... I'm seeing a lot of kids of Slytherins who were in Harry's year... Scorpius, Adam, Gabriella and possibly Maira... well at least I'd suspect she's related to Pansy. Interesting.
This chapter was very well-written, and you've really kept up the pace of the story. You're constantly revealing new information about the plot and character and if this were a book, I wouldn't be able to put it down.
Hmm... so if Rose has known about the affair for three years... why didn't she go to work? Her lies in the previous chapter definitely make her suspicious, but I don't think she did it. I think she's upto something else - possibly illegal - but I don't think she killed Dominique, Matthew and Ophelie. Plus, the roses would be a little bit obvious...
Ron's protectiveness of his daughter was very in character, and I liked the fact that the usually calm and collected Bill lost his temper - I think it's something Fleur would have done, had she been there. Hermione is also very in character, except for this one line:
“Died a couple of years ago, Blaise did,” Hermione supplied. I don't think Hermione's the sort phrase it like that... I think she would say "Blaise died a couple of years ago." I know it's a small thing, but it just stood out to me as I was reading.
Anyway, sorry that this review hasn't been as detailed and coherent as usual... great chapter and I'm looking forward to nearly reaching the end.
Author's Response: I worked in a medical centre for my work experience and not one of the docs there had nice handwriting! And I know, I did use a lot of Slyths in this chapter. But they were -- not necessary, I could've used Gryffs or Puffs or Claws -- but I wanted to emphasise that the Slyths Harry knew did go on and have kids and they weren't all thrown into Azkaban or whatever. I'm really glad you like the story and wow, what a compliment! I'm blushing, honest :)
I know you've already come to the end of the story, LOL, so I can't really tease you or anything about that, haha. I was quite happy with Ron's characterisation. Bill was OOC but I hope it worked. And Hermione... sorry. I think I might change that. Thanks for pointing that out -- this is what I get for submitting a story without sending it back to my beta(s) the second time round. This review was lovely, detailed and coherent -- don't you worry! Now...*runs to the next review*
I have to say, I don't like Rose much either. But I could be being unfair - after all, she's hardly in a desirable situation. But she was particularly annoying when she jumped on Harry for knowing about her and Matt...
I thought Harry was very in character here - even though his family is highly involved in the case now, it's typical that he doesn't want to step down from running it. You wrote his dialogue excellently - although I do wonder about the swearing. I mean, I know he does occasionally in canon (although JKR always masks it with "he swore" or something like that), and I know he has a temper, but it just seemed a bit out of character to me.
You write dialogue excellently. Throughout this chapter, it really keeps the pace up and you portray a sense of character so well by using it. The choppy style of the interview between Harry and Rose was particularly good.
I wondered why you included the part when Ron and Hermione (and Hugo) find out - it didn't seem to add much to the story, other than that Harry had also notified Bill and that Fleur was dead (which by the way is an interesting twist), but I think you could have communicated that in another part of the story. Anyway, not that it was a bad section, but I just wondered about its importance.
Rose refuses to take Veritaserum... interesting... but Harry (and Rose, for that matter) should know that it's not infallible... and since Rose is presumably an intelligent witch, she could probably find a way of fooling it.
Anyway, no matter how much I dislike Rose's character, she is believable and I really like that you've gone against the stereotype, because people seem to love to write her as a carbon-copy of Hermione in her first year, which I think is unlikely.
Author's Response: I don't think I've ever liked Rose very much as a character. At least you sympathised with her :) Re Harry... okay, look. He isn't a kid anymore. He's gone through so much, and I don't just mean the war. And he's what, fifty-odd years old? Of course he's going to swear. You've got to think of the situation he was in, right, because it can't have been easy. His niece dying and his other niece being accused of killing her -- it's difficult, and I don't know about you, but I swear when things are difficult and I think he would too. I agree it was a little OOC but think it was plausible given his situation.
I'm glad you liked the dialogue. And yeah, I know I didn't really need to include that but wanted a way to break the tension a bit. And to show the reaction of the other members of the Weasley family to avoid ignoring them completely. Fleur being dead has its own story and as soon as Jess/ToBeEtc has beta'd it for me, I'll post it. Rose is to be disliked but I think she has a right to be disliked, if that makes sense. I don't know why other fanfic cliches are like that, tbh. That's just not believable in the slightest, that Rose would be like Hermione. Thanks for another review, and although I didn't entirely agree with you about swearing!Harry, I'm glad you brought it up -- I'll try and bear that in mind in the future if I can remember.
This is a great beginning, Soraya. The first paragraph really sets up the characters - particularly Scorpius, but also his relationship with Harry, and in a way, the way he fits in in the wizarding world. I loved the paragraph about discrimination, and the sarcastic comment But, yes, respect was apparently the key.. I think that really gives Draco a nice characterisation too, even though he doesn't appear in the chapter. I think it's very realistic that he would "do the right thing" in teaching his son to respect others, but still want him to stick to purebloods when it came to personal relationships.
And, being you, of course you had to end it on a cliffie - I have to say, I wasn't entirely surprised - it was obvious that Scorpius knew Dominique extremely well.
The whole "Blood and Roses" idea is really good and something different and definitely creepy - but I'm sure someone's done something more creepy. Usually true crime is harder to believe than fiction... anyway. It's a great premise for a story.
And just a question - is it that likely that two best friends in the same year out of Hogwarts would be accepted as Aurors? I always had the impression that some years only one, maybe two Hogwarts school leavers would get in... but I'm not sure if that's every clearly stated, and Harry may have changed things anyway.
I'm looking forward to how this continues,
Author's Response: Yay!!! You read Blood and Roses and left FOUR lovely reviews for me!! Thanks a lot, Katrina -- they mean a lot. Firstly, Scorpius -- he's one difficult character, especially as we know practically nothing about him and the Next Gen gang are, to all intents and purposes, OCs. And you think Draco was well-characterised? No way!!! There's a reason I don't have too many Slytherins in my fics. Because I don't write them very well. Thanks, though.
If you look at the end notes of the last chapter, which you probably already have done, you'll see that I got the inspiration from The Mentalist. Re your question... hmm. I've never considered that before. But this story could only really make sense with them as Aurors, so I don't think I could change it. Besides, I'm sticking to your explanation -- that Harry must've changed things. Thanks for the review as always. Lastly, congratulations on the QSQ nomination for Not Alone. Well done!!! And you have Carole to thank for that!
I did like the story, although some parts were slightly disturbing but they worked for the plotline. Good job.
Author's Response: Glad you liked it! Yes, some parts were definitely disturbing but this story is not in any way the most disturbing thing I've ever written or anything :) Thanks for the review and I'm happy you enjoyed it despite the less palatable stuff.
Well I love it! And the the mentalist too! Bravo!
Author's Response: Yay, another Mentalist lover!!! I'm glad you loved my story and the Mentalist producers are probably glad you love the Mentalist too -- keep your eyes peeled for that Dominique/Gabriella oneshot and thanks for your lovely reviews.
I like the story, but I have a small question: is the story over? because I noticed when I looked at the story it claimed that this story was completed. It was slightly confusing.
Author's Response: Okay, well no, it's not over yet. I have one chapter left. I've submitted that last chapter and while I was at it, I checked the completed box too. That's why. Sorry for the confusion -- hopefully that last chapter will be validated soon since it is a challenge entry. Thanks for the reviews!
My doctors hand writing is better than mine. And that's hard to beat. Wonderful story by the way
Author's Response: Really? Well then, I stand corrected :D Thanks for the review and for saying it's wonderful!
Wow it was great! I am hooked but I have to say that you need to develop rose's and scorpious's characters more. Other then that I love it:)
Author's Response: Well, to be fair, I do develop Rose and Scorpius' characters in the chapters. And you only read the prologue here. I'm glad you're hooked on it :)
Yes. Someone is being sneaky. The author I think! Awesome story, you really have me guessing. Rose being set up? A sting to trap the healer? Are they really dead? Hmmm.....
This is a well written and well planned story. Your characters and plot are believable And, you know spelling and grammar, which always makes a far superior story.
Author's Response: Hehe... yep, I am being sneaky. I won't tell you who it is, but your predictions are very interesting! I'm glad you like it and you think it's well-written and well-planned. Since the Next Gen gang are pretty much OCs, it's good you think the characters and plot are believable. And it's because of my betas that my spelling/grammar seems good -- I promise you it's not perfect really!
Oooooh! Someone's being sneaky!!! Can't wait to find out who that is! I have an idea but I'll keep mum about it! Great chapter!!
Author's Response: Yep... someone's being sneaky! Glad you liked it and I'll be posting the last chapter soon. Ta for the review :)