I have just read this and I may be talking to thin air. I cannot believe it only got ten reviews. It was brilliant. It should be a series.
Well, that's an interesting twist. I wouldn't have thought Chumly had such a dark background, so I wonder how it will affect the rest of the story?? If I didn't know better I'd think you were trying to add the detective to the suspect list! Nice twist, either way.
Oh, more and more layers, and more and more great lines! This is a fantastic mystery. I can't wait to see how it resolives!!
Oops, I meant Padma, not Parvati - sorry, I just read Carole's mystery with Parvati. :)
But, I'm glad I had to come back because in the sixth paragraph from the end or so you said 'Hannah' and I thought it was supposed to be 'Susan' since her dad was talking, but wasn't sure. He's hiding something, I think. Funny line about elf-made wine. :)
Good luck as you continue! :)
~Gina (again) :)
I really am following this, I'm just falling behind, which is too bad because you are building a fascinating mystery here. There are so many layers expertly brought out that I have no idea what might going on, which is a good thing: figuring out a mystery in the third chapter would mean it was too obvious, after all. I just love how you've developed so many suspects and given them vibrant personalities. The visit to the Bones' was very telling as well, I think! But most of all, it was great to see Parvati bite back. I'm still cringing over some of the things Henry says so I like that she can hold her own with him.
Great job and I WILL continue reading!
Okay, I'm a bit lost and too lazy to read the first chapter, but was Hannah at Susan's party? I thought she would be because they were friends, and I wondered if any other DA members were there as well? Obviously Padma wasn't or she could have described the scene, so was it just Puffs there...and why Avery? Hmm, this is intriguing. has Padma made her DA coin into a ring? Susan's parents annoy me (not your fault), but throwing her a party and inviting their friends and not wanting her to live a little after that hideous year they had a Hogwarts, they make me angry. Grrrr.
Small nit pick
Henry presumed he that he supposed to feel angry, or hurt, or some other unnecessary emotion. This sentence doesn;t make sense, too many 'he's' and a missed 'was', I think.
I like Padma in this chapter. The fact that she's started to fight back is good, and I am very pleased that her POV is coming into play now. OOOH, the touch with the wine made out of elves - joke or not, that is spooky.
Okay, I'm up to speed now. The story is getting very interesting. ~Carole~
I'm going to go for Justin because he has a silly name.
You obviously have this all very well planned out and the relationship between Padma and Henry is brewing nicely. Obviously, I find Henry obnoxious, but there's a part of me thinking he's putting some of this on. He seems to want to deliberately provoke her which is vile, but his provocative statements sometimes seem a touch bizarre. I'm actually thinking of the attack against women having a drink. It seemed to be a bit out of place to suddenly come out with that and I wondered if it would be better if he was thinking that, or mumbling it at no one in particular. When it came to the homophobia, that was done much better with him thinking about 'the pointy ends' rather than saying it.
That's quite minor,but I wanted to mention it because otherwise you risk turning him into such an anti-Gary-Stu, that he becomes a caricature. He hasn't at all, yet, by the way. At the moment he's just thoroughly objectionable, but I hope to see one or two redeeming qualities in him.
I'm enjoying the mystery aspect of this, very much. Why would someone want to murder two former DA members? Would it really be a DE out for revenge? They weren't that effective, were they? Hmmm, keeping us guessing - good job. ~Carole~
Henry is rather disgusting, isn't he? There were times I was reading this and I thought "Did he just really write that??" Which is a GOOD thing - it's always such a risk to write a protagonist that is unlikable. One who is so bigoted (merlin, the things he said about women! And Dirk! Oh My!) and drinks and swears. And yet - the writing is so good that I'm caught up in the reading of it and don't for a minute think, "Forget it, I'm not going to bother." For all his faults, Henry is sort of fascinating. Plus the story is balanced by Padma, which is neat. So kudos for all that. And the mystery bits are brilliant. Have you read/watched a lot of mysteries? It's just so well-done, the set-up, clues, suspects, everything. This is fun and I will get to the next chapter soon!!
Yay, great start, BB. I love Henry - well I don't love him because he;s obviously an utter git (ugh to the bedwetting) but he is a great character. Actually I have some sympathy for him. Padma sounds a little idealistic and he could well be trying to unsettle her.
Hmm, not many suspects yet (but then I haven't got many either), but I'm pretty sure you're going to expand on this and introduce some others soon.
I love your little extra touched here - the CHARM agency, Justin working for a politician, it all fleshes the story out beautifully.
“We’re married,” said Lavender. “We got married three months ago. I’m a journalist for the Prophet—“ Yay, you gave Lavender a career and she's not a mush head. small nitpick Grumbling, Harry unwillingly got up and tried to dig out the robes he had been wearing the day before, which could only possibly be less dirty than the ones he was wearing at the moment. I know Harry is a nickname for Henry, but I really think you mean Henry here ...
Look forward to reading the rest. I can tell this is going to be a bumpy, yet intricate, ride. ~Carole~
Caaaarole! Thanks for the review! You'll find out how Henry turns out in the future chapters, don't worry :D About the suspects, you'll be introduced to them all in the next chapter, so no worries. You're going to get more Lavender as well.
Kara already pointed out the Harry/Henry thing to me, I think I've changed it >.< I can never really be sure with the crappy, on-and-off internet connection here, but I think I have xD Thanks again for the review, and I'm glad you liked this chapter :D
Awesome start! You immediately made Henry jump from the page, and I love the contrast of his cranky old drunkeness with Padma's character. I feel terrible for Hannah, though - and even more for Neville! I love your style and really look forward to seeing the mystery play out - good luck as you continue! ~Gina :)
Author's Response: Gina! Thanks so much for your review; it made my day :D I'm glad you think Henry is 3D, he's probably the favourite OC I've written on MNFF. The second chapter is in the queue, so you won't have to wait long :D Thank you!
I like the storyline. don't much care for Henry but one of the signs of a strong character is that it can garner emotion. Padma seems a little weak so far but it's only the beginning. Let me guess the rest of the story. Harry Potter went crazy and now he's poisoning everyone. Just kidding. nice start.
Author's Response: I'm glad you like the plot! :D Most of the fun in reading Henry is imagining yourself slapping him across the face, so not caring much for Henry is completely okay. And if you think about it, Padma isn't in a very enviable position-- she has to deal with this nuisance of a superior... But she can't really say or do anything because if she wants to get into the CHARM, he'll have to sign her application. >.< She is going to play a much more active role in the coming chapters, though. :D And about your theory... it's entirely possible, you'll just have to continue reading. Thanks for the review!