Yes, this was a bit corny, but I liked it!
'He was obnoxious
A habit deep like third-degree' I think this described James really well. You did a good job capturing both Lily and James throughout the whole poem.
'He jumped in joy
His face a red sheen
Felt as if he’d had caffeine' Haha this gave me a funny image! I really liked how vivid you made the whole poem, I could really see it happening, especially in your description.
One piece of crit:
'She had to act soon;
On him she was keen
It was finally time for them to convene'. I liked this, but I think in the last line, deleting 'it was' would make it flow better. Then again, I'm not much of a poet myself, so feel free to not take that advice. Great poem!
Congrats. I don’t like James, and I don’t like cheesy poetry, but yet I liked this. That’s very impressive. As a rule, I cringe at the mention of James and ignore the fic altogether, but you didn’t include his name in the summary so I was into the poem before realizing who was speaking.
This is actually a nice representation of the way his romance with Lily began. I’ve always wondered how he won her over. I think he really was a bit of a git, and she was always supposed to be so sweet. Somehow I always thought she’d have been better suited to Remus.
Anyway, the poem is a sappy, cheesy festival of lovey-dovey stuff, which is normally a bad thing, but somehow you make it cute rather than annoying. The lines are so simple and true to the character that they just make you smile. Very well done.
This may be cheesy but it's still sweet and made me smile despite the fact I'm not usually one to read James/Lily fics all that often!
Carole has already mentioned punctuation so I won't touch on that. Instead I'll focus on rhythm and flow. It's hard to keep consistent rhythm when you're not following a traditional poetic structure like that of a sonnet so well done. I think you did I good job of finding words to rhyme :) But perhaps, next time, try to keep consistent rhythm. Some lines are a bit too wordy compared to the rest of the stanza and others are a bit too short. Perhaps, before you start writing, give yourself a rhythm scheme such as a certain number of syllables per line. It will help you keep focus and the end result will be a poem that has better flow.
I hope this helps! Well done on writing something sweet yet not too cheesy. It was fun to read :)
I think this is sweet. Yeah, it's cheesy, but cheese makes me smile and you haven't gone overboard with the fluff, so it works.
You're a bit infrequent with your punctuation. To me, you either use punctuation in poetry all the time, or else you ignore it. But you have a semi colon in one part and then a fullstop at the end, so it makes me wonder why you've put them in.
If you were to add punctuation, then you could look at this line This could be maybe be love and consider dashes to separate out the 'could be' and 'maybe be' parts. It's just a line that made me trip up a touch.
I do like this, though, it had an energy and flow that was endearing. And James/Lily are my OTP, so it's all good for me. ~Carole~
Author's Response: Awww thank you so much for this long review <3. I do agree I have a bit of a poetry punctuation issue that I need to address. Criticism is appreciated, thanks! --Maddy