Um... Aren't they cousins?
Author's Response: Yes.
Um... Aren't they cousins?
Author's Response: They are, indeed.
I wanted to leave a review because you seem to be getting it in the neck for writing about cousins. In the Potterverse there are many examples of cousins marrying, and as a Brit, I really have NO issue with this whatsoever. Comments like 'gross' are actually laughable.
I do have to Brit pick though (sorry, it's what I do). Rose using words like 'gotten' and the whole set of sentences ' I don't wanna! I don't wanna!' etc make her sound like a kid straight out of Glee. (Also Hogsmeade has an 'e' on the end.) "Oh, I think, ah, shoot. I forgot,” Rose said. “That happens to me so much it’s not funny. I mean, I’ll have my hand up in class, for a while, then by the time the teacher calls on me, I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, and then I have to tell everyone, ‘Sorry, I forgot what I was going to say,’ and look all stupid.” That whole stretch of dialogue is very American, and really didn't ring true to me at all. It might help if you got a brit-picking beta for future stories (there are a few on the beta boards). Then again, I'm just one of a handful of Brits on the site.
I thought you set the story up very well, but it was pretty short. I think it would have been nice to expand this so we see how they got to the point of going out together.
This was sweet and I'm pleased Al loved her back. ~Carole~
Author's Response: Thanks! I guess it's pretty obvious (to British people) that I'm an American...he he.... I'm really glad you don't have a problem about the cousin thing, because even though she doesn't, LukiLaeta's my friend and I told her what to say....hehe....Thanks for the Hogsmeade thing, because I've been confused for a while....=) Actually, I'd love to have you as a beta reader, because I really need help with that sort of thing, and you're really nice with it! Thanks again! =)
I love it! Unlike everyone else, the whole 'cousins' thing doesn't bother me. Rose's character was really cute, and I think that what you wrote was not OOC, because people change when love comes along. I love all of your stories and can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: Thanks, Luki. I'm glad you could get over the weirdness! Lily
But they are cousins! It was good but I just can't seem to get past them being cousins.
Author's Response: Yes, they are cousins, but I think after 17 years of friendship they may have begun to see each other differently, and eventually gone out - until it changed from companionship to love. Thanks for the review!
Ok its cute, but doesn't stop being gross.
Author's Response: I just thought that after 17 years of friendship, it might have grown to be a bit more, no matter if they were related. After all, there arn't that many witches and wizards to choose from, Hagrid said himself, if they didn't marry Muggles they'd die out. Well, some of the families decided other ways would suffice. This isn't exactly what Rose and Albus were doing, it was more of a friendship that turned to love. This isn't unusual in other stories, if they arn't related, but I don't think it would make a HUGE difference if they were. Thanks for the reveiw!
This was cute... but do you realize that Rose and Al are cousins? As in, blood relatives? So as much as I love the idea of the story, I couldn't get over the weirdness of that. Sorry. Good job, though!
Author's Response: Yes, I do know they're cousins, and because they're cousins, I got the feeling they were really good friends, seeing how Albus was fretting about not finding them in the Epilouge of DH. I was thinking, after seventeen years of friendship, it might have grown to be a bit more.
[i] “Oh, I think, ah, shoot. I forgot,” Rose said. [/i]
Personally, I think the ‘ah, shoot’ is rather unnecessary. It’s a bit overly informal to write it out but then again, it’s entirely up to you. Perhaps you can try something like, ‘Hang on, I lost my train of thought.’ This expression would be better.
[i] ‘ Waving, she turned back to Al’ [/i]
Perhaps, you might want to specifically state how and why she’s waving. I get the fact that she waved her action off dismissively but any other reader would be rather puzzled by the word.
[i] ‘Rose feared that what she had feared for so long was coming into play.’[/i]
I would avoid repeating a single word twice. Try to use another synonym.
[i] ‘No. No, it can’t be! He won’t be saying it! It can’t be Al saying that! No! I’m not ready for a commitment! No! No! This is torture! I’m a LION! I need adventures first! I don’t want to be tied to Al! I don’t want it! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna!’ [/i]
Okay, maybe this is a personal thing, but I know you’re trying to express Lily’s internal struggle with her own feelings. But, I think certain expressions were repeated and overused and sentences like ‘I’m a LION!’ should be altered (though I get the fact that you are referring to her Gryffindor nature) It’s also a bit too literal. And words like ‘’ wanna ‘’ sounds a bit… childish and colloquial. Overall, this paragraph is a bit strange and a little out of character. It’s also a bit too literal.
[i] ‘What! That wasn’t what I was expecting! Rose let out a conspicuous sigh of relief. Thank goodness. So does he love me?’ [/i]
Again, the reader feels a bit confused by this sentence. Is Rose actually looking forward to his public declaration? I get the feeling that she’s not from what you wrote. But if Rose is afraid of Al speaking up about his feelings, why would she do it herself? More explanation is needed. I get the general idea on what you want to say but the phrasing can be better.
So in general, I find the flow a bit choppy. The transition during the conversation (especially for the haircut part) was a little awkward. But that’s all, just keep on writing!
Author's Response: I was demonstrating that Rose has a horrible memory, and she feels the need to express it. I don't think that she would have said a whole sentance there, because she's just frustrated. Rose was waving to the people who were very interested in what she was doing. I think I used feared very well the way I did. Rose is being very childish there, because she's acting completely immature because she's so confused. I don't think it's out of her character, because I didn't show her character very fully. However, that particular paragraph is an example of how Rose reacts to self-induced stress and confusion. The whole story, Rose is extremely confused, and she doesn't know how she feels. The haircut part was because Rose was feeling awkward and wanted something else to think about. Thanks, though, for the reveiw, so I know things I can do better next time.
Hmm. This is interesting. I've never heard of Albus being paired with Rose, since they're cousins. But it's not uncommon for cousins to marry, even first cousins, so I think you did a good job with it. I do think it was a little on the short side and that you could've made it a bit longer, in order for a full plot to develop. I wonder how Harry, Ron and Hermione took to Rose and Albus going out? That's something to think about, if you ever plan on writing a sequel. This was intriguing and well written, so well done.
Author's Response: I've always pictured Albus and Rose together, because they were, in my mind, inseperable friends. I don't know if they'll get married, I don't usually think past my plot. I'm not quite sure....I still see them as kids, not really as married adults. Harry was releived that Albus chose Rose, and not some freaky Slytherin, Ron was happy that his daughter had someone as nice as Al, and Hermione was just happy he wasn't on the dim side. Ginny, however, thought it was hilarious and never got over it....=)