I love this story, and cannot wait for the rest of the chapters to be published!! Do you currently know how many there will be?
Author's Response: Aw thank you! But I actually don't. I'm weird in the fact that I always outline my stories then gradually sit down to write chapters. I find it easier to make changes that way, I'm constantly re-writing chapters and splitting some. I make certain deadlines though like "By chapter twelve Lily and James will have had their first kiss." or something along those lines. I don't do well with setting a final number though. Haha. Sorry I can't be of more help!
Hello... yes it's me again.
So this shows that this is a great story because I'm back reviewing again. And I wish there was more because I'm rather into by now.
I have to say I'm not entirely surprised that Spencer was cheating on her... particularly after you left that cliffhanger and all Lily wanted was to be alone. Well, at least it gave Lily a good reason to break up with him. Also I forgot to mention in my last review - when Lily, James, Sirius, Severus, Spencer get into that fight in Transfiguration - I'm assuming Spencer's a Ravenclaw, and as far as I know there's only two houses in a class at a time. Anyway, that's just a small thing.
Moving on. “If Lily wanted to talk to anyone, she would have simply said so. She didn’t, so you should probably just leave her alone." I really do love your Peter, because he's observant and yet there's something slightly... cold about it. The others chasing after her showed how much they care. So well done there.
Your dialogue has sofar been written excellently. You have shown just the perfect amount of awkwardness and tension between Lily and James. But throughout the story, you've used it really well to communicate the action and move the plot forwards, and I know from personal experience that dialogue is harder than it looks.
I'm quite interesting in what's going on between Mary and Marlene - at the beginning of this story, I'd assumed that Mary, Natalie and Aleaha were 'bimbos' and that's why Lily and Marlene kept away from them, so it's interesting to see that they (well at least Mary) aren't actually like that... I'm hoping Mary and Marlene will finally get over themselves now.
I also loved the scene between Marlene and Fabian, and I'm glad you're not following the Lily's-best-friend-hooks-up-with-Sirius trend. I had thought you might be heading that way, having shown her similarities to him.
Anyway, lovely story so far Kelsey, keep writing more!!
Author's Response: Yeah, Spencer is in Ravenclaw. But, I thought that after everyone had taken their O.W.Ls the classes for sixth and seventh-years were filled with all the student's continuing on with the class. I could be very wrong, so I'm going to need to take a look at HBP, oh hey! I'm reading that one right now! I'm quite fond of my Peter, I'm not even going to lie. He is the one I really have to work on when I'm writing because of how my I hate him. I feel like Peter HAD to be very observant because he was Voldemort's spy when ti came to the Potter's for over a year, and he is also very good when he needs to keep his head down. Deception and observation are Peter's best skills. Dialogue is a nightmare sometimes. I try to use it more than some people because I know it's a skill that I really need to work on. So, I'm very thankful that all of that is paying off. Thank you : ) I'm not even going to hide anything when it comes to Mary and Marlene, they stopped talking to each other after an argument over something REALLY stupid. They dislike each other so much because they let themselves get so worked up over something really small. Haha, when this story was still in it's planning stages I was planning on hooking up Marlene with Sirius, but having everything fall apart, but when I was reading DH i had to change that. In Lily's letter to Sirius she mentions the death of the McKinnions, if Sirius and Marlene had been together he would have already known about the death of the family. So I stuck Marlene and Fabian together mainly because they both die and the more I write this, the better Fabian is for Marlene. Sirius loves Marlene, but he loves her like he loves Lily. I seriously loved your two reviews! They make me very happy! The next chapter is, finally, going through it's final edit. AP Tests are a major pain. So is HIgh School. Haha!
Firstly, I loved the AVPS song! As I was reading the chapter it reminded me of that song so I smiled when I saw you actually based it on that. (I've also written a story based on one of those songs - "Not Alone" from AVPM. They're good writing material. Anyway... back to the review.)
I like the way you've set up the characters here, particularly the friendship between Lily, Marlene and Marauders. I liked Lily's friendship with Sirius, because a lot of people seem to write them hating each other because Sirius has some sort of complex about James or something... and I think the way you've written it is more likely.
I quite liked your Severus. He seemed a tad dramatic at times, but then that's not entirely unbelievable, because the man we see in canon is obviously a long way from the teenager he was. You've set up this interesting contradiction in his character - he doesn't want Lily to be ruined, and yet essentially he is ruining his own life (in moral terms anyway).
I don't want you to take this the wrong way, because this is certainly an enjoyable story, but there are a few James/Lily cliches in it. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, anyway. I noticed it particularly with Spencer - he seems like the perfect boyfriend, but I suspect he has a secret or something to that effect. Anyway, as I said, cliches don't necessarily worsen a story - and with James/Lily it must be hard to write something original because there's so much of it.
I like how you include Peter and how you don't make him out to be the stupid tagalong, because that really annoys me. Obviously the Marauders trusted him implicitly.
I also think you integrate the war quite well without it becoming their lives as it presumably will when they leave school. You've written it so it's never far from the reader's mind, but it doesn't take over the story. Which really suits this.
Anyway, I have very much enjoyed reading this, I hope you don't think my review is negative, because that's not my intention.
Author's Response: Yay! Another AVPM/S Fan! Haha. "Guys Like Potter" saved the chapter because I was having a hard time trying to figure out how to write in Snape here but the song played on my itunes and it was like a light bulb was switched on. Is you story called "Not Alone"? I love that song! And I'm glad you like the friendships, and I agree, I hate it when people make Sirius and Lily hate each other. In Deathly Hallows it seems Lily it was Lily who would write all the letters fer her and James and it was not just James who trusted Sirius enough to want him as Secret-Keeper. If Lily didn't like Sirius, I doubt she and James would have wanted him in the first place. I'm SO glad you caught my contradiction! I love you for that. That chapter was the turning point for Severus. Without Lily he could care less about his own life, Lily was the only person at Hogwarts who was a true friend to him, so he joins the Death Eaters to try to feel like he belongs somewhere, and if he's on the inside Severus feels like maybe he can protect Lily, which is something he did in fact take to his advantage and try to do. And, I don't mind any sort of criticism! Alas, some cliches are hard to avoid, but the thing with Spencer was very much intentional. Spencer is one of the few people in this that I wrote with a specific person in mind (he is based of an ex-boyfriend of my friend's.) One other character that I created with a very specific person in mind is Pippa, who will pop up later. I love that you love Peter, thank you! I always pictured Peter as sort of a Neville type, probably because that is how Harry pictured him in PoA, only Peter is not even half the man Neville turns out being. I think this is my favorite review! Thank you so much for reading!
cute chapter :)
Author's Response: Haha, thank you!
ahh , a lovely cliffhanger ! (:
I loved lily's bravery in this chapter . it showed her true gryffindor colors which some stories seem to forget . I mean , she did refute voldemort three times and that has to take true bravery .
I loved your point about her calling Peter "wormy" in the last chapter . the letter at grimwald place had always shown me her friendship with sirius but now I see it was with all of the marauders . so thanks for enlightening me (:
can't wait for the next update , so I can understand the cliffy !
Author's Response: Thank you! I always pictured Lily as a very strong person and it irritates me to no end when she's portrayed as the damsel in distress all the time. Even though sometimes that's okay, but she was a strong person. Her being friend's with Severus for so long is enough proof of that. She had to constantly stand up for him when it came to her other friends "None of my friends even get why I hang out with you!" And yeah, she defied Voldemort three times and gave her life for her son, even though she didn't have to die. And I always pictured Lily having a special and different relationship with all of the Marauders. She married James and had a kid, JKR said in an interview that Remus was "Always quite fond of Lily" and they were prefects together, She wrote letters to Sirius and she and James wanted to use him as their secret keeper. But I think her and Peter's relationship was very special. You only ever read of her using the nickname "Wormy" so I think that was something she came up with. Too bad Peter was a cowardly s*** and sold his best friends out. Sorry for the rant...I have very strong opinions and feelings when it comes to the Marauders Era. And I'm glad you liked my first cliffhanger! Because I hate it, I hate all cliffhangers, even when it's me who's doing them. Cheers : )
You're a really good writer, I like this story a lot, I think that you captured most of the characters pretty well, only I think Lily's a little more spunky and would never go out with someone as boring as barbie boy. =)
Author's Response: Hahahaha I'm glad you like it! Spencer has some spunk to him, he has to have a bit as he is the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain, but he did change over the coarse of his relationship with Lily. You will find out why er...at a later date. Cheers : )
awh ! I really like that you have sirius as more mature than normal . I think that the letter harry found in grimwald place was proof enough that lily and sirius were friends , and alot of fanfictions leave that out ! I really hope you keep building this relationship as well as the obvious one between lily and james (;
Author's Response: Thank you! I didn't want Sirius to just be a total sex god like in some of the others, because he needed to grow up eventually. He's still going to have his moments but he's growing up. And the letter from Deathly Hallows was HUGE for me. I think Lily really developed a special relationship with all the Marauders. She wrote a letter to Sirius and he referred to Peter as "Wormy" for heaven's sake! It really bothers me sometimes that some fics just focus on the James and Lily development, and I feel like there was so much more. So I'm really glad that you like what I'm doing, the next chapter has been submitted!
aww poor james :( great chapter.
Author's Response: Haha yeah, poor James. I feel worse for Lily though, she has no idea what she's missing! Thank you : )
i really , really like this ! keep it up !
Author's Response: Thank you! The next chapter is going through it's final edit right now!
great chapter :) i like how you started with lily and james already as friends. and the two fight scenes the one in transfiguration and with lily and spencor were really good :)
Author's Response: Thank you : ) I am very glad you like it!
I'm loving this story! I think you're portraying all of the characters very realistically, and I love how you're taking the James/Lily at the right pace. I also loved your descriptions of what snape's going through. Update again soon!
Author's Response: Aw thank you! The Snape bit was really had for me to be honest. I re-wrote the bit about ten times before I even sent it to me beta, I really don't like Snape...haha. I'm really glad that you like how I'm portraying everyone else too because that means I'm not the only weirdo who thinks the Marauders and Company acted that way! Chapter four will be up as soon as i hear back from my beta! Cheers!
Btw I was going write something similar to this but you beat me. :3)
Author's Response: hahaha! great minds think alike?
Good story so far! Can't wait foe the next chapter
i love this story!! cant wait till the next chapter!! :)
Author's Response: Thank you very much! It should be up soon!
Haha, so sweet! I'm interested in how James changed... anyways, really great job!!!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Chapter two will be up as soon as possible. I decided to do some major changes to it...almost done though. Then it will be off to my beta and posted ASAP. Thank you for reading!
ha, nice chapter. liked the way you ended it.
Author's Response: Thank you! : )
first , you share my name (:
second , I really like this first chapter so far and I'm really glad it didn't start with lily hating james ! keep updating and I'll keep reading !
Author's Response: Haha yay another Kelsey! And thank you so much, I get sick of Lily always loathing James at the beginning because I figure it took more than ONE summer for James to deflate his head, and Lily is a nice girl. I'm betting that once she saw a slight change in James' behavior she was willing to give him a chance at friendship at least!
super cute! I love james/lily fanfictions :) can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Aw thank you very much! Lily/James fanfics are my favorite too because you can do whatever you want with them!