No offense intended, but too repetitive for my taste.
It's meant to be repetitive. I was using a particular form of poetry.
I've never had Sensations crisps--I go for sweet over salty--but I feel the same way about reviews. Encouragement and feedback make writing fan fiction even more satisfying.
You picked a great track to inspire your poem. Regret is such a raw emotion, and you convey very well that it isn't limited to past actions, but actions we're resolved to take.
You made good use of the villanelle form. I'm curious about your use of "Even" to begin lines that aren't the ones repeated. Was it to give the sense of an act about to happen?
Hesitation is probably my best trait is a brilliant line, the one that made me say, "That's Hermione."
The last stanza is powerful and wrenching, the overall effect bittersweet. If I have any concrit, it's that the first line seemed a little wordy, as did the second lines of the first two stanzas.
I'm not a true poet, I'm a writer who writes the occasional poem, but when I think of villanelle I think of poems like Dylan Thomas's Do not go gentle into that good night and One Art by Elizabeth Bishop.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
I went and found the quotes to show the rhythm because some of your lines seem syllable heavy, for lack of a better term. If you did a few edits--for example:
Even as my eyes fill with tears of regret,
I bring myself to say that word I hate;
I know about me you will forget.
I think you'd improve the flow.
Not that I expect you to change a word, I just wanted to give you something to think about for future poems.
Thank you for sharing this one. :)
ETA: When I first submitted the review the second poem quote was bunched together so I deleted to fix it.
Author's Response: Sensations do have a sweet flavour, one of them, but I can't remember the name. :) And I'm glad you know what I mean with the reviews thing. After all, that's the only thing that really keeps me going when writing fanfiction -- when people actually bother to read it in the first place, and then even more so if they leave a review, whether or not it's well thought out or if it's just a oneliner. But anyway, onto your review. Obliviate is quite possibly one of the best tracks in all the film soundtracks I've ever heard, so when I heard about the Magic In Music Challenge over on Poetry Anyone, I had to enter. When I saw Hermione having to go through the agony of wiping her parents' memories, my heart really did bleed for her. It's one of the few added scenes that I actually liked, because for once, JKR kind of skirted over the details about Hermione's parents. So it was a worthy addition, which is a nice change. Villanelles are so very interesting, if you ask me. They're incredibly tricky, so I'm really pleased you thought I did good in it. To be honest, when I used "Even", it was more of a coincidence than anything, although it's a great interpretation. Perhaps I have an inner poet after all :D And I identify a lot with Hermione, so it's great that you thought it was Hermione-ish. And the ending...it was even trickier, so you don't know how happy I am that you thought it was powerful. And cheers for the crit, Paige. This is probably the best poem on my author page at the moment, because the others are kind of crap, and it pleases me that I can still do something to improve my poetry further. I'm far too much of a slob to bother changing it, but yes, I will definitely bear the syllable thing in mind in the future. Thanks so much for a wonderful review. This poem in particular hasn't got many reviews, which has saddened me a little, because in some ways I think this is better than my other poems, and they've got more reviews. Anyway, I'll stop babbling now. Hope to see you around SPEW! ~Soraya~
I've never really got fanfiction poetry. I still don't really, but I think the way you've used the villanelle form is fantastic and the moment you've chosen to capture really interesting. In the film this was my "Emma Watson can act!" moment and the way you've shown in words the emotions she was feeling is really well done, using the repeated line to create a quiet insistence. I like the structure of the sentence- it's not the usual word order, but that emphasises the discomfort she feels, and also makes it feel slightly archaic, giving it an almost Epic feel, which is good. I'm still not entirely sold on ff poetry, but that's a really good villanelle. Alex x
Author's Response: Oooh, thanks for the review, Alex! I know what you mean. Back in the days, I used to hate fanfiction poetry, but then I started reading some really good stuff (if you want recommendations, Your Eyes by Nitwit Blubber Oddment Tweak x is lovely and so sad) and I got sucked in, to be honest. Now, I have three poems under my belt (I think) although I still like Excruciatingly Painful better than this one or Always. The latter was originally addressed at someone I know, so I only had to tweak it a bit before it was fanfiction-compatible. That was more of a rant than anything, but I thought I might as well preserve it anyway. Did you really think Emma Watson can't act? Yes, at certain points, she was a wee bit shaky, but compared to Dan and even Rupert (their fight in the tent? Please.) she did pretty well. I'm glad you liked the poem nevertheless. The refrains -- "Even as my eyes fill with tears of regret" and "I know about me you will forget" -- were written in that word order for a very good reason. I simply couldn't think of any other way to write them and having them rhyme, so that was the only way it worked. However, I do admit that I think there was a bit of an ulterior motive in the unconscious part of my brain to make it seem archaic/epic. The music certainly was epic. Hugs for the review. I'm sure once you read Emma's "Your Eyes" you'll definitely be sold on ff poetry, but I appreciate the compliment on my villanelle all the same. :D ~Soraya~