Reviews For A Severus Poem
Reviewer: Sly Severus
Date: 05/21/12 2:50
Chapter: A Severus Poem

This is certainly an interesting poem, and I can clearly see young Severus in your words. Sitting solitary, day after day with only books for company. That is exactly how I imagine Severus’ childhood, with little visits from Lily, of course. Was Lily the little girl? I assumed it had to be her.

I really liked the end of your poem when Severus was showed a real coin trick after claiming to dislike them. It just seemed really fitting. A nice way to end things.

I did find parts of this hard to read though. The entire poem is written in one long stanza. There’s nothing technically wrong with this, but it doesn’t do much for flow. Your poem tells a story and each stanza could be a paragraph, giving better timing and flow. Stanzas could also reduce confusion by telling readers when the focus is about to change.

Overall, a very nice with poem. You did Severus proud.

Reviewer: Kerichi
Date: 02/28/11 14:33
Chapter: A Severus Poem

Severus is one of my favorite characters, so I was naturally drawn toward your poem. It's interesting that you've written it from the perspective of an elderly woman, and I think it was a good choice because it's believable that a curious old person would notice and remember so much detail. I wish the poem had revealed a little more about her, but you did an excellent job of working bits about her life into the poem in a natural way, when she thought about the boy staying longer by the river, when she had no particular place to be, and the little girl reminding her of her girls.

Telling a story is the only "rule" of narrative poetry, but just for fun I looked for other elements. There's repetition of words, colors especially, and phrases like "big, old books" that help the poem flow, and a varying but definite rhythm throughout. 

Although the repeated use of the color green helped with the flow of the poem, you used a lot of other colors that, as well as creating simple instead of vivid images, highlighted that poem relies primarily on sight. Even the glee illuminated the area. Severus' voice being spiteful is the only nuanced description of sound, and there are no smells or textures which could have set the scene at a specific instead of generic riverbank. The poem is based on an old woman’s observance of Severus, so the lack of other sense impressions isn’t a big detraction; it’s just something you might want to keep in mind for future poems.

Thank you for sharing this one. :)



Author's Response: Hey thanks for the feedback! I actually started writing it from Snapes perspective but then shifted mid-way through. The scene played in my head like a movie, so I suppose thats why it was so heavy on the visuals. That was a great observation. Ill definitely keep what you said in mind for the future because I think smells and textures wouldve enhanced the scene. Thanks again :) Julie

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