No offense of course when I type this, but I find the lines to be random in a way. To the point that it can't be about just one person. I don't see any characters in the books/movies that have secrets and are protected to this level by someone they love.
Or maybe I'm just going about it the wrong way.
I certainly think you're going about this the wrong way. In fact, whilst I always respond to my reviews, I haven't been completely sure what to say to yours. You have favourited three of my stories, none that you have reviewed, and I am still wondering why on earth you would review something if all you have to say about it is your own personal preferences -- a villanelle, for example, is supposed to be repetitive. That's the whole bloody point of it.
I normally appreciate reviews, but I definitely do not like that you began two of yours with the words "No offense". It's my belief that if you like something, you will review it positively, and any criticism will be concrete and not just based on your own personal preferences.
And a word of advice -- if you don't want to offend someone, do not preface your review with "no offence".
I'm not a big fan of poetry- but i reallllly loved this!! I know you've said it was about Remus and Sirius' friendship, but i really thought aspects of it applied to Lily talking to Harry after they've had to go into hiding, for the most part this bit:
I'll endeavour to make you a free man
And I'll make sure that all the secrets I know
Are buried as deep as they can
I'll plant things over it and make it grow
I'll make sure you remain a free man
I will fight to prove your innocence
I'll die if it means you stay free
And I'm sure you’ll know, in a sense
That I did it for you and not me
Top job! Loved it!
Author's Response: Oh, I always love it when you quote me!! Thanks for the review, and I understand how this poem portrays more than one relationship -- I think I gave a list of the possible relationships in one review response. Thanks for your review and I hope to see you in my inbox again soon!
I very much liked the overall structure of this poem. It had a very rhythmic flow, which I greatly enjoyed, and it sounded almost like a chant. The first four lines sounded brilliant together. Generally I’m not a huge fan of repetition, but I felt that repeating, “I’m always going to… you” tied the lines together and actually increased their flow. It also gave the lines structure, which is really what I think gave them rhythm. I also liked how the other two lines didn’t rhyme, but ended with the same sound (t). The syllable repetition and the line repetition together made the lines sing.
When I read the poem out loud, the change in rhythm between the first four lines and the next four, sounded abrupt. When read on their own though, they had a similar rhythm and the perfect rhyme tied them together. I liked the change in rhythm; it was similar enough to the previous lines so it sounded good with them when read with a pause in between. It also liked how you began to change the line structure. You still ended two of the lines with “you”, but began to transition out of the almost exact repetition of the line before. The fact that there were the same number of syllables in the lines ending with you, made the transition even subtler, and the structure of the lines was then held together by the perfect rhyme and the semi-repetition in the lines ending with you. I thought that making the transition slowly from the structure of the first few lines made it seem natural and I think greatly contributed to the poem because it kept it sounding fresh and not too repetitive. I thought that you did a fabulous job with the perfect rhyme for doubt and flout. Keeping the lines with perfect rhyme different syllable length kept it from sounding Dr. Seuss like.
In the next four lines, I liked how you changed the structure even more, but kept the rhythm the same. You eliminated the repetition of the same word at the end of the lines, but the perfect rhyme, but different syllable numbers, kept the poems structure without making it sound overdone.
The next four lines didn’t sound quite right to me. I felt that beginning line 13, with “and” didn’t sound quite right. The ideas in the previous line or few lines weren’t similar enough in my mind to justify connecting them. Apart from that, I thought that lines 13 through 15 sounded lovely together. However, repeating “I’ll … to make you a free man” didn’t sound quite right to me. I liked the repetition of “I’m always going to… you” because it almost summarized the poem and it was similar enough to the rest of the poem to fit in perfectly. I didn’t think that “I’ll… to make you a free man” sounded quite right to when repeated. It worked nicely in the previous stanza, but repeating it four lines later sounded almost forced to me.
I really, really liked the next four lines. The sort of rhyme between “innocence” and “sense” worked beautifully, and nicely complemented the perfect rhyme between “free” and “me.” I think what I like best about these lines though is that together they form a complete sentence/ thought. All the other groups of lines are connected by an idea or theme, but this one was connected completely. (I hope that makes sense.)
The next four lines (I really am repeating that phrase a lot), made me stop for a second. The first three lines sounded fine together, but the last one didn’t sound quite right to me. I think the thing that stopped the flow for me was the syllable structure within the lines. In all the other stanzas, there was a pattern in the number of syllables in each line or a strong rhyme scheme. In this group of lines there’s the rhyme between “care” and “anywhere,” but the second and fourth syllables in the group don’t really connect like all the others in the other groups have. If this were my piece I’d take out “I know” in the 24th line so it would read, “You’re one of the few I know I’ll kill for”. I think that would make the syllable numbers between the second and fourth lines in the group similar enough to connect them.
I thought the next four lines were fabulous. The structure (i.e. the repititon of you and the last line which repeated the “I’m always going to… you”) and ideas were very similar to the first one, and greatly reminded me of the first group of lines. I thought that helped connect the beginning of the poem with the end.
I was on the fence for a while about the next four lines. I liked the repetition of the first two lines. I know you only repeated I’ll (which is repeated many times in the poem), but the fact that the two lines had the same number of syllables made them sound similar when read aloud. The first three lines followed the same sound structure as the rest of the poem, but the last line broke it. However, I liked it. I critiqued another group line for breaking the flow abruptly, but in this case you used less syllables rather than more. This kept you from sounding too wordy, and I thought it worked. It gave the line (which outlines the idea of a whole soul idea from the books) a little more emphasis.
The next group of lines sounded fine. My only critique is that the third line reads, “I’ll die with your secret, right from now”, and then the fourth line says “I’ll even take it to my grave”. I felt like the meanings were too similar and made the fourth line sound redundant.
I liked the way you ended the piece. You repeated “I’ll always… for you” which sounded so similar to the repetition in the first group of lines, that it provided a very strong connection to the beginning of the poem. The second line connected to when you talked about breaking the rules (lines 5-8), when you talked innocence (17-20), and when you talked about sins (29-32). The third line reminded me of all the places in the poem when you talked about secrets (13-16, 32-35). The final line of the poem was beautifully chosen. To me, it summed up the entire essence of the poem, without getting to wordy.
The lack of stanzas or separation of the lines, I think detracted from your writing because it made the poem very difficult for me to read. The similar length of each line, which I think contributed to the flow of the piece, made the poem seem like reading a piece in prose without paragraphs. If this were my poem, I would separate the lines into stanzas; I thought that the piece read best with four line stanzas. For me, it definitely read in chunks, as in there seems to be a pause between groups of lines. In the piece now, this feels to me like a break in the flow, but if they were separated, the change in the flow would, I think make the piece sound fresh. When there are separate stanzas, I often expect to see some change in subject or tempo. When there is a dramatic change in rhythm in a single body/stanza, in my opinion, it breaks the whole flow of the piece.
My first guess is that it was written about Lily and Snape, but to me it seems more of a friendship poem than one written about lovers.
Overall, I thought it was a lovely poem. I thought that you did an excellent job at giving the poem structure though repetition, rhyme, and syllable structure without making it sound overdone.
Author's Response: First off, Meg, what a lovely review! I don't think I can do it justice, to be honest. But I'll try. I really am very happy you liked the flow and repetition. And all your comments about its structure and rhythm are making me smile (and giggle) because this poem has got to be the most impulsive thing I've ever written, purely because I wrote it in a fit of anger at a relative. So I didn't really change it much, only a few bits here and there, and I literally didn't proofread it. I didn't think about it at all -- therefore, the fact that you could praise me so highly means a lot.
And thank you for the suggestions... I will definitely bear this in mind at some point. I'm sorry this response isn't nearly as thorough as your review, but I'll definitely refer to this review when I have some free time -- after exams -- to fix this up. Paige, Ariana and now you have left fab reviews on my poems, so after my exams I'll have to redraft all of them. And the stanza thing... sorry. Like I said, it was written on an impulse. I will definitely change that.
And finally... your guess! Yep, others thought it was Severus and Lily too, but I had in mind Remus and Sirius. At the same time, I understand why you thought it was Severus and Lily. I think it's applicable to more than one. Huggles for such a wonderful, poetic and very thorough review. I really do appreciate it. *squishes*
Who is it? My guess: "I" is Harry, "You" is Sirius. The more I think about it, the more this seems right. I really like this. I think this is how Harry feels about Sirius in Order of the Phoenix, how he's learned more about Sirius's past of teasing Snape, and Sirius's recklessness and other faults seem to be made more apparent. But, Harry consistently forgives Sirius and is willing to risk his life for him...Now I will read other reviews to see what other people thought.
Author's Response: Close! Remus and Sirius, actually. Although, as reviewers pointed out, it could also apply to Harry and Sirius, Lily and Severus, Albus and Severus, etc, etc. I think what makes it Remus is when I say "People shun my name but I don't care as long as they don't shun yours" because Remus' name, as a werewolf, has always been shunned, but only after Lily and James' murder was Sirius' name shunned. Make sense? Anyway, thank you again for your review, Rose! ~Soraya~
Oh, Soraya, that was great!
I really enjoyed it. It was a marvelous representation of how real, loving relationships between friends, or family even, are. And it could fit so many of the relationships in Harry Potter!
Personally, I couldn't stop thinking it was Lily talking about Severus. I've read the other reviews, so I know it was meant to be Remus and Sirius, but I still like as Lily and Sev. It just fits their relationship as I imagine it (up until the fifth year, anyway) so well.
Author's Response: You're right--it could fit more than one relationship in Harry Potter. Now I read over it, I have to say I do agree with you about it being Lily and Severus, but then I think it could be Albus and Sev, Albus and Sirius, Harry and Sirius, even Sirius to Peter. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was originally written addressed to someone in my own family but then I tweaked it a bit so it was HP-compatible, not that there was much to tweak. Thank you for your review and have a nice day! ~Soraya~
i liked this. im not sure who you ment. i think perhapse, Sirius feeling bad for Peter, while hes in Azkaban? but thats just what i thought. i'd love to know who you ment. this was an insightful poem. loved it
Author's Response: Good guess, but I actually meant this for Remus and Sirius. I guess it could apply to Sirius and Peter too. I'm glad you thought this was an insightful poem and that you loved it--hope I see another one of your reviews again! Thanks for reading and reviewing. ~Soraya~
Lovely take on friendship! But who are these characters? I'm guessing Dumbledore and Snape, do let me know if I'm right! :D
Author's Response: Dumbledore and Snape? Interesting ... but no, actually, the people I was thinking of was Remus and Sirius. That's why I said it wasn't slash. But I have to admit, the poem does apply to Dumbledore and Snape, Harry and Sirius, even the two Barty Crouches (or Barty Crouch Jr and his mum) so I suppose there's more than one answer. I'm glad you liked this poem ... I hope to see another review from you soon! ~Soraya~
I liked it! It was a very sweet poem.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it and that you thought it was a sweet poem, because that is what I was getting at. Hoping to see you in my inbox again! ~Soraya~