MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: Equinox Chick
(Signed) · Date:
01/31/11 6:01 · For:
I like the idea of this story. You don't have an excessively mournful George, which is great, and he comes over as caring towards the young girl and not totally irresponsible, which is also good because so many people seem to think the characters never grew up!
I liked Fred appearing, but it did beg the question why George continued to feel so sad about his death (festering wound) when he had the means to summon him at will. The other thing is that I'm really not sure Harry would have given him the Stone. That was dealt with rather too quickly, so maybe it would have been better if George discovered the existence of the Stone himself (maybe he overheard Ron and Harry talking) and went to search for it himself. Harry knows the danger of living with ghosts (Mirror of Erised) so I'm not convinced he'd have wanted George of all people to get hold of it.
I liked the banter you wrote for George. The conversation with Fred is so IC, and Neville came across beautifully. You write dialogue well.
The end of chapter two was a bit hard going. You've let loose a lot of backstory in the last three paragraphs which basically deal with the last eighteen years very quickly. It might have been better to sprinkle some of it in the earlier parts of the story, or else use some dialogue to show certain parts of the story (Roxanne could reminisce about the purple fireplace, perhaps. And maybe Harry could mention that Ron's doing well as an Auror but still misses the shop - not very good suggestions - LOL,just a few things to break up the information a touch.
This is an interesting story, so I hope you don't mind me leaving you this critique. Is the story going to be Next-Gen centric? Or are you going to base it more around George?
OH last thing! I loved the kids being named after battle heroes. I did something similar in a story, where I had a load of Next Gen kids being called Harry or Molly. Charlie's triplet names made me giggle Frediland - ha ha ha ha.
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Carole! To be honest, this is the only site where I've got proper critiques for this story.
Yes, I was wondering about the Stone - would Harry really give it to George? Obviously, I figured he would. But the possibility of George overhearing him and Ron or Hermione talk about it is much, much more likely - I can't believe I didn't think of it!
I was also *very* worried about the backstory bit. Thanks so much for critiquing that. This is my first fanfiction and I don't really know how to incorporate stuff like that into the story. I like the suggestion about Roxanne reminiscing. I suppose characters should reminisce like that from time to time (as George actually does end up doing).
Thanks for what you said about the dialogue. That's the one thing I usually worry about, so I'm glad it was believable.
To be honest, I have very few ideas about what to do with the story now. (Yeah, I know, not something the author should be saying.) So, I don't know whether it's going to be a NextGen fic or George-centric. I was initially planning on both - switching between Fred+Roxanne and George. So, feel free to give suggestions and ideas for the plot. They'll really help.
Oh, and as for why George is still sad. Well, he still doesn't have Fred back, per se. Fred's just a spirit who appears from time to time - and I'd imagine George would learn not to call his brother back from the dead every minute of every day. But that's all just based on my interpretation of how the Stone works (and what those spirits really are).
Again, thank you so much for your feedback! MN Fanfiction really has the best readers/reviewers :)
(Signed) · Date:
01/12/11 15:24 · For:
First off, I just wanted to say how much I love this chapter title.. I was so confused at first! :) This story is one of the cutest that I've read in a long while. I loved loved loved it!
The portrayal of George was really accurate. You can tell that he has tried and succeeded to live a normal life, but the loss over Fred is obviously still there. His love for laughs and jokes have not faded, which I love, because some fanfics portray George becoming a very angsty and serious person, and I just can't see that happening. Neville is completely in character too. Sometimes, I find, when authors are writing next-gen eras, they often lose the basis of a character, due to the fact that now the character is all grown up, and no longer a teenager, as we are used to seeing them. But, you did a brilliant job!
I'm super excited to see what George has in store for the platform! It was the summary that really caught my attention, it made me smile,
Great job on your first chapter! I'm excited to read the following ones! :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your thoughtful review! :) It's my first fanfiction and I can't tell you how pleased I am that someone liked it so much.
I do hope you feel the same after you read the next chapter. You may find the serious side of George then. Or not. Maybe it's completely normal. Let's see. Also, there's a little bit of a surprise but not completely unbelievable. But most of all, I hope everyone stays in-character. That's most important to me. Please feel free to point out if they don't. And I'd love any ideas/suggestions for plot development.
Again, thanks so much for your encouraging words! Hope you have a lovely day/night :P