Hey, Carole. This is an interesting poem. I haven't listened to the pieces of music involved so I can't say how well it conformed to the challenge, but I like how it went from something slow and contemplative and regretful to this sudden hard determination to follow orders. I lovelove the change from the slightly longer lines of the first part to the short, terse lines of the second part, which just emphasize the change in moods so well.
The only suggestion I'd make would be to change "would not look in such pain" to "would not look so pained"...it works better to rhyme with "maimed," I think. But it's really not a big deal, and didn't distract me too much.
And can I just say, the idea of Crouch, Jr. regretting/having second thoughts about his mission is an intriguing one. It's not a side of him I ever expected to see, but I think I can buy it here.
Thanks for an interesting read. =D
Author's Response: Hellloooo. Thanks for the review. The music is just a waltz from the Yule Ball and then the harder rockier sound of The Weird Sisters. I tried to write the juxtaposition between what Barty wants to do and what he has to do because of his mission, but I also have a backstory where he was in love with Sinistra at school.
I agree about the rhyme pained/maimed - it is better, but it changes the meaning slightly. She's 'in pain' because he's treading on her foot whereas 'pained' seems to suggest (well, to me anyway) dismay or disgust. But ity is a clumsy line and one I might well fiddle with. Thanks again ~Carole~
I like the different feel between the two parts of this poem and how they contrast each other so well. I liked the second part in particular because I could really feel where that one came from. I liked the first part as well, it was nice and flowy. The idea of Barty Crouch having a hard time as Moody for these reasons is really fascinating. You're so creative! ~Gina :)
Author's Response: Thanks Gina. There's a story behind this poem which will get written some day. Thanks for reviewing. ~Carole~
Very nicely done. the first part starts out, at least, sounding like Moody, and the very last part is all Barty, and the transition is very subtle.
If you don't know it's Barty narrating, even "I have my orders, Cannot be entranced" could just be Moody in his vigilance refusing to be sidetracked by a pretty face. But if you do know it's a subtle turning point.
Of course the real pity of the whole thing is that it wasn't Real!Moody, and Elizabeth wasn't there to dance with him...
*ducks and runs*
*ducks back in to say*
The transition of style and meaning makes excellent use of the music, movie, and actual story which the ball goers are unaware of at the time. Beautiful job. And that is my professional opinion.
Author's Response: Thank you, Thea. I agree, that the tragedy is that it wasn't Moody and Elizabeth, but could she have got into Hogwarts? Actually, I have a little backburner story surrounding Barty and his lovely dance partner (the delightfully named Aurora Sinistra). One day I shall invent a timeturner and find time to write it. Thanks again ~Carole~