I thought this story was unique and very well done. My favorite stories in fanfiction are those that revolve around things that could have happened, but were not actually exhibited in the novels. I thought you did this brilliantly through, and you made Jimmy Peakes into a very believable, likeable character throughout the story.
The difficult part about writing minor characters in fanfiction is that part of their personality is undiscovered, and it is the writer’s responsibility to make the character both realistic and interesting. I think you did this wonderfully with Jimmy and Demelza, and also with the bit of Ritchie that we see. Jimmy is superb: not outgoing or overly shy, very sweet to Demelza, and he has a drive to please his father for reasons the reader does not comprehend until the end. I maybe would have liked to see Demelza’s character explored a little more, as the main feature we see of her is that she is shy and not much else. However, as a writer I know that it is difficult to portray characters (besides the main character) and their qualities without making it seem like “filler” writing. I was also wondering at her friendship with Ginny; though they are both on the Quidditch team, there hasn’t been much evidence of any relationship the two may have had. Ginny defends her in Half Blood Prince, but I think she would have defended anyone at that point from her brother’s unprovoked insults. It was such a main part of your story, though, that it didn’t really take away much. I thought the bit about Ritchie was hilarious; how he dealt out advice to Jimmy conspiratorially, as though he had so much experience in girls. As a minor character he was very well done.
What really made the story great for me is the little ‘twist’ at the end of Jimmy’s father being dead. As a reader, I was wondering if there was a reason behind Jimmy’s perseverance to become ‘unbeatable’ and live up to his father’s expectations — and if that reason would be explained. It was really surprising and rewarding to realize that that aspect was not going to be overlooked, and I think it gave the story extra depth to realize that Jimmy was doing this all for his father. The sequencing was a little confusing at first — usually memories or flashbacks are in italics — but again, this is a minor thing I noticed that did not take away from the story’s greatness.
I look forward to reading more stories by you in the future!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm sorry that you didn't get enough of Demelza. I didn't want to waste words, and I don't think Jimmy knew much more than what I said. As to Ginny, I think Ginny would hug anyone who was upset. Sorry about the flashbacks, too. I just finished "Death of a Salesman" and was going after that sort of style. Thanks again for your review!
This story is so cute!!!! I really like how you put a bit of his dad into the story. I like Jimmy and Demelza together! Very cute!
Author's Response: Thank you!
So bitter sweet! I totally wasn't expecting his Dad to die... it was very sad. You wrote that bit nicely - there was no description of lots of tears and pain and all that, just some nice dialogue. I loved the way each vignette was interspersed with conversations with his Dad. It was also really interesting to show the Quidditch team from someone else's point of view, and how Ron affected them all. Your sense of character is great - I had a nice picture of Jimmy, his Dad, Ritchie and Demelza, which was a great achievement in such a short fic!!
Author's Response: Thank you very much! It suddenly occurred to me that we really don't know anything about the new kids in book six, and I thought they deserved a story. I'm glad you liked it!