This was such an original idea, and although it is very short I think that in this case, and in the style you chose to write in, that made it more effective. Having a dialogue between James and Lily watching Harry ask Cho to the Yule Ball could have been very difficult to pull off, but I think you did it well: employing a simplistic narrative style made it feel very in-the-moment and was quite absorbing.
The fact that it was driven almost entirely by dialogue was very refreshing. It skimmed the surface without going into the thoughts and emotions of the characters. This makes the reader feel like an observer, and allows them to interpret things in many ways. I thought that the fact that you didn’t explain exactly how Lily and James were watching Harry was a good thing: it made me suspend my disbelief and accept that this was happening.
The dramatic irony that was inevitable in telling the story this way was very effective. When you wrote, ‘“I knew he could do it!” said James, grinning. “Good on you, Harry!”’, I suddenly realised that he doesn’t know that Cho will refuse him. This was echoed immediately when Lily said, ‘“But she didn’t say yes.”’ That was a very well written bit, because you subtly warned us what was about to happen, making us wonder how the two of them will react.
The characters of Lily and James were kept in character very well throughout, and it was nice to see this humorous side of them. It was comforting to think of them watching over Harry all the time, even though he doesn’t know it. I think an important aspect of your successful characterisation was the way you emphasised their youth: they died when they were 21, and some of that light-heartedness must have remained with them to some extent. Your maintenance of their banter had the perfect balance of affection and sorrow. By paralleling Harry asking Cho out with their reminiscences of the (many) times James asked out Lily, I think you not only highlighted their similarities with their son, but also emphasised that this is a universal story. It’s a story that is timeless, and parents can relate to their children more than the children might like to think.
The dialogue which propelled most of the story was done well - it was natural and entirely convincing. This made the story very readable, and I could hear distinct voices saying the words. For example, when you write, ‘“Nope, he’s worse than you,” concluded Lily, laughing. “She didn’t even know what he said - not a good sign.” “C’mon, Harry,” James pressed…’, I could feel James urging his son on. It was lightly handled, but that was all you needed. The only thing I would say is that there were a few too many adverbs and adjectives - like when you said ‘James remembered excitedly’. It felt a little too heavy, and I think in that instance you could have simply written ‘James said’, and there would have been no loss of meaning to the sentence.
Reading this fic really made me wish that Harry had grown up with his parents, and made me wonder how different he might have been had it happened that way. Would he have been as arrogant as James, or would Lily have made sure to ‘deflate’ his head, as she claims Lupin did for James? We’ll obviously never know, but your story allowed me a glimpse of hope that he’d be reunited with them one day, and that was a wonderful feeling to leave with.
Now THAT was funny. James is just indescribable. He always makes me laugh.
Thanks for not review begging... it's like a breath of fresh air :)
Author's Response: Awwww, thank you! x
Author's Response: Why thankyou :)
Author's Response: Thank you very much :) ~Annie
Love it !
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! ~Midnight Storm
yay! I love this one, it's great to hear Harry's parents commenting on his life, and I love when James and Lily tease each other - very sweet! great job once again!
Author's Response: Thanks! I have always imagined James and Lily as a sweet, young couple. They're really fun to write XD ~Midnight Storm
Author's Response: Haha thanks! ~Midnight Storm
Amazing! I loved it! Keep on writing one-shots like this, and I will be a happy girl :D
Author's Response: I'm working on them XD I've almost finished one about Harry and Ginny's first kiss, and I'm in the middle of planning one about Harry meeting Sirius for the first time. If you have any ideas about other ones I should write, just let me know :) ~Midnight Storm
lol, fantastic! And also true to their nature if thats how you say it :)
Author's Response: Aww! Thanks! ~Midnight Storm
That was super cute! I really like stories like this, where Lily and James are looking over Harry. You do a really good job with adding the dialogue to your story, you should write more of these! Keep it up, your writing is awesome =]
Author's Response: Thanks so much! Thanks to all this positive feedback, I have submitted a story of a similar style, Potters Go For Redheads, which will hopefully be accepted soon! It's about Lily and James watching Harry and Ginny kiss for the first time. Look out for it! ~Midnight Storm
such a sweet one shot. i don't generally like one shots, but yours i did :]
Author's Response: Thanks! That comment honestly just made my day! ~Midnight Storm
cute, intersting, write more!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm in the process of writing a few stories, and there are a couple currently in the queue, so I hope you read them too, if they get accepted. Thanks very much for reading my story! ~Midnight Storm
I like this one alot..I would be intrigued in reading something similar of when Harry and Ginny kiss for the first time :)
Author's Response: Because of your review, I began to write it :) It's almost finished, and it's called Potters Go For Redheads. I have, of course, acknowledged that acs09 gave me the idea. Look out for it - it'll be in the queue by the end of November! ~Midnight Storm
Cute, very cute. I really enjoyed reading it :-) Nicely exchanged banter between Lily and James. Awesome one shot!
Author's Response: Thanks for your review! I'm really glad you like it! ~Midnight Storm
That was hilarious! It's kind of nice to think of James and Lily watching over Harry, and their conversation was hilarious! Awesome fanfic!!!! :)
Author's Response: Thanks so much!! I'm really you liked it :D
Aww! This is so sweet! I love how you incorporated these two together! I especially love the last line! I love your characterization of James as well! Great job! :)
Author's Response: Thanks! I've always been interested in the story of James and Lily. I'm really glad you liked it! ~Midnight Storm
Wow :) I don't know whether to laugh or be sad - or both? The conversation between Lily and James was really funny (and I can see them reflecting on it like that), but it was sad, too. Whenever I think of them watching over Harry I never thought about them witnessing the bad parts.
This was really good. Keep writing! :)
Author's Response: Aww, thank you! It's my first fic, I'm really glad you like it. It came across my mind when I was reading GoF a few weeks ago. I was wondering how this scene would look to Harry's parents, and then I figured I'd write a story about it! ~Midnight Storm
This was such a sweet story. I really enjoyed it alot. The characterization of Lily and James were very nice. Especially when they say things about how they ended up together. It was a sweet, sweet story, and the ending really clinched it. I liked how you added a sweet twist to such a heartbreaking moment in the book, and you made it seem as though scenes can fit perfectly from two perspectives. Very well done!
Author's Response: Thanks! It's my first fanfic, and it's awesome getting such nice reviews! This story just came across my mind when I was reading the scene in GoF, and I wondered how it looked to Harry's parents. I'm really glad you liked it! ~Midnight Storm