Reviews For As They Watch
Reviewer: dobbyismycopilot
Date: 10/05/10 14:41
Chapter: As They Watch

Well done! it sent chills down my spine!

Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you thought it well done, if spine tingling. ~Carole~

Reviewer: Gmariam
Date: 10/03/10 16:02
Chapter: As They Watch

I remember reading this on the forums, but I can't comment there so I'm glad you submitted it. I really like this poem, because I like structure, and I like how you structured each stanza here. I also really like how you interwove the lines from DH, and used dialogue only. It made a strong statement, emphasizing the narrative parts of the poem.

I have no idea how to punctuate poetry properly - are there different rules? - but someone here once told me to punctuate it like you would prose. I saw a few places where you might have used a comma in place of a full stop, since the next line was a fragment that could have been part of the previous line. For example, after 'chest' you could use a comma since the next two lines describe her hair and could be part of the preceding sentence with a comma. But then, fragments are okay sometimes, especially in poetry, so if that was your intent, ignore my comment. I also thought maybe the 'But' in the third stanza could be a 'yet' simply because you have an 'although' and 'yet' seems to go better with that. (Did you follow that? :))

Concluding with Harry's kiss to the Snitch and his line to open it was wonderfully done. What a powerful moment. I really like how reflective this poem is, and how well it works with Julia's poem. Nicely done - congrats on the challenge! ~Gina :)

Author's Response: Thank you for the review, Gina. I did fiddle around with the punctuation quite a lot with this one. Usually i forget about it, or else I just throw commas around willy-nilly, but I did actually think about it this time. I wanted it to be quite fragmented especially that first verse because I needed to convey the abrupt and broken state that Lily is in. She is, in effect, having to urge her son on to death,which must go against her instincts. I do think Dumbledore told them both that things would work out ... but it must still be a dreadful postition for them to be in. Hence this is their rehearsal incase they're needed by Harry. Hmm, I've burbled on too long. Yet instead of But is a better idea, I may well change that. Thank you ~Carole~

Reviewer: FawkesToTheRescue
Date: 10/03/10 12:38
Chapter: As They Watch

Aww! Carole, this was beautiful. I really loved this poem. It was very nice.

I just have a teeny tiny question. When I read this, I thought that at the beginning, it was the people talking that Harry brought back with the stone. That is what they said, isn't it? And you described them so well.

But then, I got confused because it said in the last stanza and line that he opens the Snitch. Didn't that happen before the beginning of the poem? I don't know, but it seems sort of out of sequence to me.

Maybe you had a reason, but if it were me, moving the last stanza and last line to the beginning would make it flow better, and then the poem would end with "Until the very end." Wouldn't that be cool? What do you think?

Anyway, these are just suggestions. I really liked this poem. You're descriptions are spot on and this is a very emotional moment, which you described very well.

Have a nice day, Carole!

-Megan

Author's Response: Hey Megan. Glad you liked the poem. Okay this was before Harry brought them back, they were in effect, rehearsing their lines because they knew what they had to do. It has often puzzled me that Lily and James would 'urge him on' as it seems from that chapter, but I think they knew it was necessary and also had reassurances from Albus that he'd survive. Hope that makes sense now. ~Carole~

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Other Lives and Dimensions and Finally a Love Story by MoRoCcAnAnDpRoUd Professors
The year is 1977, and the Wizarding World is in turmoil, but it doesn't really...
Research and Development by Northumbrian 3rd-5th Years
The Mirrorphone, the latest advance in Wizarding communications. Now, of course...
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 2 by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 1st-2nd Years
The Weird Sisters are back for an encore. Ten more tracks from your MNFF authors.
FEATURED
Oread, Walking by Seren
Cedric was just as odd as Hermione, because he liked to walk. Cedric/Hermione
The Effect of Gamma Rays on Two Terrifically Trapped Gryffindors. by Fenixaze 3rd-5th Years
From the "Stuck where for the weekend?" Challenge on Portkey.org ... Our two...
Drunk on Him by armagod679 Professors
For me, he was an obsession, a burning obsession, one that I could never let...
A Broken Hallelujah by epiphany212 Professors
You have always loved the chase. The pursuit of Quaffles and dragons have carried...
In the Hufflepuff Way by 1000timesingoldenink 3rd-5th Years
Did anybody really appreciate Hannah's mum?Because Mrs. Abbott was a heroine...
And Now... by Oregonian 3rd-5th Years
Moments after the death of Voldemort, Harry gazes at the corpse of the Dark...
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 1 by minnabird 1st-2nd Years
Welcome back to another rousing round of rambunctious rock!However, a new act...
CATEGORIES