Wow...I'm not usually into sensual poems, really, but that was really good. I liked the alliteration too!
Thank you, dear. I'm glad you liked it. :D
You're quite good at this form, you know! I like it! You've done a good job with the subject, the prompt, and the rhythm. There were only a few things that tripped me up a bit. You know what one is, right? "Wanton want and wandering" - great use of repetition with the 'w' sound, only 'wanton' and 'want' just seem too close. What about 'wanton need and wandering'? That might chance your intent too much, but it's a thought.
I would suggest 'underneath' for 'under' because as I read it I just wanted another syllable there. And to keep the rhythm flowing between stanzas, perhaps you could try 'Our lover's flame' in place of 'And our love's flame.' It's mostly a question of where you put the emphasis when you are reading, I guess, but I do think the 'and' disrupts the flow somewhat.
The only other thing was the rhyming couplet at the end - it totally works, but there is something about using their names that almost spoils the beautiful spell you've cast with the rest of the poem. Mostly that's because 'Hermione' is such a long name, lol, and then when I got to the last line, I was thinking 'my Won-Won' instead of 'my Ron.' O.o Not sure how you could tweak that and still be specific as to what couple you are writing about, though.
So although it sounds like I'm nitpicking, that's only because I think these few things would take this piece from a really good sonnet inspired by Natalie's poem, to a poem that really stands strong on it's own. Plus I get rhyme and rhythm far better than I do free verse. ;) I really like it, I hope you write more!
Greetings, Twin. :D
I see what you mean by your various points and whatnot, and I'm fairly certain that in my actual submission, I'd changed that one line to "our lovers' flame" like you'd suggested. I just never changed my draft on my computer, I think.
For the rest, please remind me later (when I had not just crawled out of bed and have no will do to anything yet) to take a look at these things, or I'm going to completely forget. Lovely review as always.
I can see the sensuality, that's for sure.
A funny thought overcame me after readin it. I could so very clearly see Hermione play this tune inside her head, reading it to Ron even.
Ron's answer, however, would be something like, "Yeah, let's do it!" LOL!
Anyhow, I don't usually read poetry fics. But I really liked your sonnet.
Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. :D
I soooo see what you're saying about Ron. So crass, lol.
Lovely, it's really sweet and short, plus it's Ron and Hermione, my favorite couple. Nice work. :)
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it,and you have a lovely day!