- MNFF kept cutting off my review -
I was trawling through the General category and I came across this. As this seemed to be connected to your chaptered WIP Hermione, I thought I’d give it a read.
I do agree on your assessment of Snape – fans who see him as a ‘hero’ often gloss over his shortcomings. They are pretty glaring shortcomings, too. It was also interesting to make Hermione a mouthpiece for your argument. She would be clever enough to remember Snape was, well, ‘grey’ – neither good nor bad.
I would have enjoyed this more, however, if it wasn’t for the multiple typos and grammatical errors. For instance,
With the time change, it was obscenely late by the time she arrived at the Weasleys’.
It should be “she had arrived” as the “was obscenely” is in the Simple Past Tense.
Hermione’s tired shoulders slumped at the voice, and went to go join him on the sofa. What are you still doing up.”
As the subject is “Hermione’s shoulder” and not “Hermione”, you need to place a subject in the clause after the comma. Otherwise, it sounds like Hermione’s tired shoulders went to join Ron. I am also not sure why the next sentence doesn’t have an interrogation mark – it doesn’t work as a statement.
“If he became a teacher under any other circumstances, he would have been sacked long before any of us started at Hogwarts!"
Another tense confusion here - it should be “if he had become”.
There are also typos, “Hermione speech” for instance, which can cause a break in the flow of reading. Perhaps, you could give this one-shot a reread and edit it?
As for characterization, I thought Hermione could do without the excessive swearing. It’s just that we see her angry a lot in the books and she never swears. The only time she comes close to it is ‘Merlin’s pants’, and that doesn’t exactly sound like as bad as ‘bloody bullshit’.
I prolly sound like a prick, but I do feel that a bit of editing, this story could be a lot more decent.
Author's Response: Yes, I'm think of sending all my stories back to a beta for a second round of editing. As for Hermione's swearing, have you ever watched a nerd finally spazz out after holding in their feelings for a long time. It gets really ugly. And I feel like Hermione is capable of holding in a lot of rage until it finally explodes. And in the story, Hermione actually remarks at how out of character this is for her, but that she can't stop because it feels so good to finally say all these things.
Giggles...so cute and very true to character, I think.
Author's Response: Maybe nopt the swearing, but I'm hoping a rewrite will fix that!
Hi, Molly. I noticed your story in the Most Recent list, as well as your banner request, so I decided to take a look.
As much as I really don't want to say this, you could have done much better in this story. The characterisation wasn't so much Hermione as it seemed like your own personal feelings about Snape imprinted on her. I know Hermione is your favourite character, so it's rather disappointing that you let this fic fall short of the potential it possesses.
Ron was great. He was adequately cowed my Hermione's bitchy attitude, and he was more in keeping with the Ron that pulled Harry out of that frozen pond than anything, which was excellently done.
I just wish that Hermione had been more like herself. The rampant swearing is case in point. In all the books, she never used the words 'damn' and 'hell', let alone the words 'bastard' -- and especially -- 'bullshit'. The beginning was in keeping with her character, but the further into profanity she delved, the more she departed from the true Hermione Granger.
There were also several glaring punctuation mistakes, such as no question marks after interrogative sentences and misused semicolons. I suggest that you find yourself a third beta who is stronger on punctuation (in that regard, Apurva is definitely the best) to correct these errors for you. I know the story is already validated, but I'm guessing you want your fics to be a reflection on you as a writer, which entails a certain pedigree of excellence.
I hope you don't think I'm picking on you, but you can do much better than this. I hope that, if I check on this story down the line, that you've possibly taken a bit of this to heart.
Have a good evening,
Author's Response: Don't worry about any hard feelings. I'm a big girl, and I know you just want to help make this the best story it can be. I actually am thinking about sending this around for a third round of betaing, but sadly, Apruva is not available. But there are other PIs.
Aw, what a nice story. It was short and sweet and I really enjoyed it! Thank you!
If Hermione was going to put a memory charm on her parents, I would think she'd know the counter curse. It doesn't seem very Hermione-like to me to have put such a powerful thing on her parents when she knew that she didn't know the countercurse. I think she would've been more careful.
Then again, though, would she have thought it more important that they were under the charm that would never lift than they were exposed? I don't know, but I still think she would have found a better way.
I thought your characterization of Ron was perfect. I especially like where he is "stiff and scared beside her." To me, I've never thought of Ron to be a real romantic person, so this was perfect for me.
Hermione, on the other, hand...I think it may use a little bit of work. I don't think she would have missed something so important to Harry and herself to do something that could easily be put off. And even if she would, would she really go on to call Snape mean things? I'd think she'd be upset that she missed it, rather than joke about it. She never was much of a joker, especially in a matter serious like this.
BUT I do see how that fits the story. So I'm not going to criticize that too much, as that is the whole point of the story, is it not? ;)
Anyway, I really liked this story. It was sweet and really well-written. Lately, I've been looking for short one shots, and this was great. I really enjoyed it.
Author's Response: Yeah, I suppose I didn't build this up enough in regard to Hermione's state of mind.