Love this story! So good! :3)
Hi there : -)
First off, I just want to say well done on choosing a very interesting and unique approach to Lily being pregnant. I can only imagine how the idea of bringing a child into that dark time of fear must have seemed terrifying. I always like it when fanfiction makes me view canon in a different way, and this certainly did that for me.
The line, “her dreams had not included a war,” summed up her predicament so perfectly.
However, I’m not sure if Lily, as a Muggleborn, would have called a pregnancy test “just a Muggle thing” which probably doesn’t work. It could certainly show the extent of her panic, that she’s willing to grab at any possible explanation other than the truth, but I don’t know, it seems slightly out of character to me. :- )
Lily’s characterisation in general was slightly lacking. I’m sure that, as a member of the Order, Lily would be fully aware of all the risks that come with what she was doing. I cannot ever see her asking, “‘Why do I have to fight this stupid war and protect people like them, who don’t even understand what’s going on?” This viewpoint is a bit selfish, especially as one of the reasons the Order exists is to help combat that mind-frame, and try and convince the general wizarding public not to pretend that it’s not their problem. I believe with my whole heart that Lily, who was so full of love, would, like Tonks and Lupin had in the final battle, sacrificed her life for people she didn’t know. The way you’ve written this inner monologue makes her seem quite childish, and, living in the current time of crises, I would imagine that she had to grow up very quickly after she left Hogwarts. And yet, the line “Ignorance must be bliss,” would have been a very realistic, I think, something she may have thought without really wanting to verbalise it.
Also, just a little mention: the line, “She had already seen her parents die at the hands of one of Voldemort’s followers,” is not canon compliant – J.K. Rowling has confirmed that Harry’s grandparents died of natural causes.
In general, there were quite a few errors which you might need a close Beta read to eliminate, most of the quite small and silly. (E.g. “I never would have meet James.”) You also need to be careful of Americanism, as James would not have used the word “kid”, but baby or child.
You have a great concept here, and I think your writing has potential – it just needs some careful thought and fine-tuning. There were some lovely moments, like James’s reaction when Lily told him. It was very in character, and I think you wrote him well.
I hope that helped! Keep writing :- )
Author's Response: Yes, that helped so much! Thanks for your great feedback!
your an awesome writer, my friend. and just like me, people need to review!!! HEY EVERYONE THIS STORY WAS WRITTEN REALLY WELL!!