I came across you when I was reading the hidden truth(you were thanked for being a beta). I decided to see your authors page and then decided to read this. I like this so far! :)
What part of Australia are you from? I'm from Perth.
Sooo good ;)
Thanks for mentioning me in the author's notes :D
Looking forward to the next chapter, its gonna be great, people.
wow I'm really excited for this story, the prequel was so intense! I love how it takes place in australia but you're still making references to england. Great job so far and i'm looking forward to the next chapter. update soon!!
The opening to this is simple, and I have to say it’s rather believable or any opening, so good job there, yeah? I’m hooked. Would a character honestly start out with such a reveal of whatever’s happening in such an experience? What I mean to say here, and think about this, is whether a character, whoever that might be, might just come out and say such a mundane statement about torture. Really, the only issue that I’m taking with this prologue is even though you’ve hooked an audience, I feel rather like it’s a bit too open. There’s nothing to savor the morsel, if you will forgive the food analogy, for usually a prologue hooks to something. However, you’ve done quite well with the emotional aspect and not gone overly angst as far as getting into someone’s head, yeah? There are no answers, no hooks, but perhaps something will be there in the next chapter.
Right, so the first thing I notice through these first few chapters of the next chapter is that you have quite a few obvious, simple errors that simply require a read over, yeah? Proofreading is a powerful arsenal in any writer’s toolbox, whether practicing or not. See? I just contradicted myself there. Any writing, like any other skill, is practice, for you can revise till the cows come home. Revision saves lives.
Okay, and I’m trying not to play beta here, but one of your recurring problems seems to be adverbs or this tendency to go overly descriptive with the adjectives after speech verbs with connective hyphens. Some of that is apparent for a teenager voice on one level, but on the other hand, you should not rely on that too often; it simply seems repetitive and might be more effective without it. For one, I know JKR never played that card in excess and kept the teenage voice. I’m going to mention this next point because it’s a recurring flaw that I am religiously known for; you are jumping here and there within this plot so that your characters simply come off as names and appear rather flat. There is little explanation in the background. Fill in those gaps. Just because you, the writer, see it, doesn’t mean the audience sees the full picture. It’s hard, believe me, but you cannot live by those assumptions.
I like the plot, I do. You have something here. I just recommend you look back over it and consider a few things. Keep writing.
Author's Response: First, thanks for reading :) I'm surprised that anyone can be bothered writing such an intese review for my story, so I 'spose that's a good sign. I know what you mean about the whole 'jumping around' thing...I do that a lot, and not just in my writing. Sometimes things make perfect sense in my head, but when I try to explain them to other people they just come out as a jumbled mess... The thing about Lia being too open in this chapter...well, I dunno, I think that's what she'd be like in that situation, that she'd have to be casual and almost cold about the whole torture thing 'cause it's the only way she can deal with it. Thanks for your advice, though, 'cause I'm definitely going to keep the whole over-adverbing thing in mind for later.
My first impression after reading this chapter was how magical you wrote it! I was worried that I would end up reading a fic that resembles almost nothing of the Wizarding world, but then I am obviously impressed by how much detail concerning magic you’ve put into this! The Owl’s Chronicle was a good name for a Wizarding newspaper, but you really got me wondering what Wizarding prison Australia has. Describing Azkaban as ‘much, much worse’ than the local prison also made me think if Dementors were widely used in prisons or not. Hm.. do you have magical beasts guarding the Australian prison instead? Hope you get more into those points as you continue your story :)
It’s curious to know why you put Lia’s father as an editor/writer in the newspaper, because that would mean that he might get influenced by the Ministry of Magic (in Australia, obviously), which might get infiltrated by the Dark Lord’s followers; Lia’s family would get affected. . . and possibly, her personal life. Again, really interesting. I’ll definitely be checking this fic out for updates.
I love how Lia acts so real. She’s quite shy to admit it to her friends that she has a thing for Tristan, but I’m pretty sure that she’s easily subjected to jealousy, if ever. You’ve really got your main OC fleshed out :) About the other characters, I’m again curious to know their true colors – their ‘innate’ personality. To be honest, OC’s appear more real once I see what they truly are during moments of pressure and adrenalin rush, and fighting one’s friends, etc. You know, hard times.
They served everything from Muggle food like chicken and chips to exotic, magical meals like crumbed Hippogriff with potatoes. I’ve always had issues with the idea of eating something we learned about in Care of Magical creatures, but apparently I’m the only one.
Excellent detail! :D Lia’s thoughts of ‘what if’s’ were really a fantastic way to both shaping her character, and the story’s solidness. I can see that you’ve done a lot of hard work into this. The little things should never be ignored, and I’m happy that you did what a good Harry Potter fan fiction author would do.
“It’s not a shed,” I said, annoyed. “It’s an...unfurnished granny flat.”
I just wanted you to know that I laughed out loud with that. Let’s not forget the humour, shall we?
Alas, the ending! A sweet and not typically-fluffy way to put their budding romance into action! I enjoyed reading this and I hope you update soon. :)
Author's Response: Um...yeah. So I like, love you, just so you know. Seriously, I'm freaking out as I type :) Ah! I love reviews! Also, I am so glad that you thought the chap was 'magical' enough, 'cause that's what one of my biggest worries was writing it :) Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
Ahh... the first chappie! :) And whenever I see the last line, I end up squeeing. lol. Anyways, everything looks great, except a tiny thing: the last five lines, though different paragraphs, look like one. There's only one space between them. You better fix that!
Hurry up with the rest, can't wait!
Emily, this is AWESOME. I loved the... feeling of despair this gives off. Its almost as if I am Lia, and I'm feeling whatever she feels. Its really good!
Submit the next chappie already! And then the third one and then- you get the message. :P
And thanks A LOT for mentioning me in the author's notes! You're the best :D
Author's Response: :) Thanks! I felt the need to mention you, 'cause you came up with like...half the plot :) And the first proper chapter's nearly ready :) But if you're lucky, I might let you have a sneak preview...