Reviews For Innocence
Reviewer: welshdevondragon
Date: 04/30/11 8:39
Chapter: Chapter 1

This was a really interesting story. It gives a good background to just why Remus was so strange around Tonks, but it's also really well written. This is your first fanfiction? My first fanfiction has now been deleted, so you should be really proud, particularly since your story isn't linear and you pull it off really well. It is highly plausible that one night he got too drunk to remember it was full moon and did those around him. I wondered at first as to why Peter was not at the baby shower though.

The fact that the story is from Remus' POV, but it's clear to the reader that his friends do not judge him for what he has done, is very well shown, because we can see it but Remus' guilt means he can't. Like his disbelief when he gets back from wandering around that they could possibly have been waiting/ keeping an eye via the map on him.

I like the line "He would distance himself away from innocent people; away from innocent lives." It is a very concise way of phrasing how he feels, as well as the image of the prefect Remus wondering out of bounds. When you said that he deserved detention more than anyone he might catch also out of bounds it sounded a bit strange. I would think Remus would say he deserved far more than detention rather than just detention.

When Lily asks him what happened, and then he repeats it to himself, I think it would be better to use the pluperfect- so "What had happened?" I just think that emphasises his confusion and disbelief a bit better.The flashbacks were really well done, fitting in seamlessly. I like the idea that Peter was Remus' first friend (making it even stranger that he's not at the baby shower).

I think it's very realistic that he would burst out to Lily who, we presume, he's not as close to as his friends, and her reaction also shows the strength of her character. I think the way you ended it, with his thoughts and his desperation not to be what he thinks he is, particularly the last desperate "I didn't mean it", was really poignant and well done. It's a really interesting idea, well written, and I'm in awe that this is your first story. Alex x

Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much, Alex. I'm glad you approved of my first try in writing. As to why Peter wasn't in the baby shower, I honestly don't know. Maybe I would have remembered if this was still fresh in my mind, but sadly, I've tried to bury the story. Looking back, a lot of things made me cringe. But thank you, your words are very kind. :-) Although I agree with most of your suggestions, I'd rather not change the "what had happened" part. It has a repetitive feel to it.

I'm also glad you approve of Lily, since I really wasn't sure if it fit well to what we know of her. Thanks for reading and reviewing, Alex! xx

Reviewer: Kerichi
Date: 04/10/11 12:43
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hi Dinny!

It brought a smile to my face to see you were SPEW's author of the month, both because I like you, :), and since this is your first story you get to be the test case for the proposed "Fic of the Month" in that every SPEW member who participates will review Innocence. You'll be able to tell Jenny if that gives you a broader, more helpful range of productive praise and concrit. 

I'm sure I'm echoing previous reviewers, but I think it was brilliant of you to want to show the reason why Remus thought he was "too dangerous." The scene where he's back at Hogwarts, particularly, was strikingly well executed. 

He finally got his head straight again, so he took all the time he needed to be cautious of his decisions. He would distance himself away from innocent people; away from innocent lives.

His thoughts were a powerful way to show his current way of coping with what happened and gives a glimpse of the professor he'll become.

As much as I loved the concept that Remus had a tragic reason for his low self-esteem and belief that Tonks and Teddy would be better off without him, though, I have problems with the reason you chose and the way you brought it about.

At the baby shower where Remus gets drunk and forgets to go down to the basement or wherever he's locked up, he's young, and probably not used to drinking, so his forgetting is plausible.

What I find impossible to believe is that his parents would forget, or that they would have a baby shower at their home on the day of the full moon. Like many other parents of a child with a serious medical condition, they've scheduled events and outings around his condition for years. Why would they suddenly become criminally irresponsible?

Another problem is the lack of clarity about what actually happened that night. Did the werewolf physically harm his mother to cause the baby's death, or did she fall trying to get away from him? It would be more believable for me if she'd hurt herself stumbling in fright because a werewolf attack wouldn't be something that could be hushed up. Remus would go to Azkaban. He wouldn't be going back to Hogwarts. Also, her losing the baby from a fall instead of physical assault gives his mother's accusation "You k--killed my baby!" an extra dimension of tragedy because it was really an accident brought on by carelessness and negligence of many people, not just Remus, yet he puts the blame soley on himself and always will.

I think the story would be stronger if you said what age the boys were; that it was summer holiday; Sirius brought over Firewhiskey for the friends to play a drinking game while Remus' parents went to a baby shower at the village hall; opening the front door the sight of Remus, not locked in the basement, frightened his mother into running and a tragic fall she would blame Remus for in a moment of grief . . . but I don't expect you to change a word. I just wanted to give my honest opinion for you to consider and keep in mind for future stories--that I hope you'll post soon.

Thank you for writing an emotionally gripping and thought provoking story!

 

:)

Paige 

Reviewer: FawkesToTheRescue
Date: 11/13/10 17:38
Chapter: Chapter 1

*dies* Okay, so I was roaming your duelling thread, and I saw that someone (I forget who) had posted that your one story was a 6-7 angst. And I thought:
OH FELLOW GRYFF, WHY NOT CHECK IT OUT?
So, you know I apparate to your author's page and I almost die when I see the title/summary. You see, this story was published like when I first discovered the site and this the first D/A I ever read. I loved it!!! And so I re-scrolled through this and thought OH MY DINNY!! because I can't believe this story I loved so much when I first joined was written by you ... *huggles* wow that's amazing

-MeganFawkes

Author's Response: Hey Megan! WOW, what a wonderful coincidence! I honestly can't believe that you actually loved this story - thank you so much! I feel so honored - my fic was your first ever fanfic reading piece. Just wow. Thanks for reading and leaving a review, Megan. :-)

Reviewer: A H
Date: 10/12/10 11:35
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hellooooo Dinny. :)

I really loved this story, and I'm so surprised that it's your first. I think you did a great job... especially compared to my first fanfic... XD ahem....

This felt so short... length isn't required for a good story, of course, but I didn't really get a good grasp of what this story was about because there wasn't a lot of substance to it. I would have liked to see more of what Remus went through before he shouted at/to Lily, or even have seen the incident itself. Or seen more of anything, really....

I did see enough of Remus to know you really write him well. :D This is a plausible explanation for so much of his character, and I think you've shown it wonderfully. It's so sad, to think of how his affliction would affect his life, and I think you did such a horribly wonderful job showing it. (Horribly because it's terribly sad D: )

“Hey—Remus, wasn’t it?” he remembered Peter say as he entered the train compartment. “It’s my first year, too, but you don’t have to worry. That’s what my Mum says. It’ll turn out alright.”

“Moony,” he remembered James say as he put his hand on his shoulder just before the first transformation where his friends would be accompanying him as animagi. “Don’t worry; we’ll all be back in one piece. It’ll be alright.”

“Oh, stop being such an old man, Moony,” he remembered Sirius say as he got ready to meet James’s parents. “Charlus and Irina would love to have another son on board! It’ll be alright.”


I really, really adored these – such small snippets to simultaneously portray the Marauder's friendship as well as showing why Remus abhors the line. In such a small span of words I got such an enormous feeling for Remus' character and his history.

Yoooou, my dear, need to write more, so that I have more to review for you. :D
-SQUIGGLES-
Ari

Author's Response: Hello there, Ari! I totally see your points, and I'll follow your advice the next time I write. :) It did feel like it was too short. . . it was a mere 800 drabble at first. I think that's why. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the story, and I enjoyed your visit! Thanks for reading, and leaving a lovely review. :-)

Reviewer: Maple_and_PheonixFeather
Date: 09/29/10 20:13
Chapter: Chapter 1

Dinny, I love it :)

This was the first ever D/A story I've ever read, and I totally love this.

I think that your title perfectly fits the story, as Remus is blaming himself and hating himself for what he did, yet he is in some way innocent as he really has no control.

You captured Remus extremely well in this story. Everything that you wrote is 100% believable for me. This especially makes sense in why he never seems to let himself fall in love and trys to run away from his baby...because he's afraid he'll hurt them. I like how you got him to confess to Lily. I think this works because I think it would be easier for him to confess to Lily then it would be to 'the boys'. I also liked the loyalty shown in Peter, Sirius, and James. It feels so real.

My only issue is this section here:

It won’t be long before he starts ruining the lives of his dearest friends, and what he feared most in the world will come to him.

He’ll be alone.

The tense feels off to me, but I really am not good at tenses, so I can't correct it.

I really like how you ended the story with "I didn't mean it" I feel it loops back to the title of him in some sense being innocent of his crime.

Great great great job, Dinny!!! You made me fall in love with Remus in this story, and to think I almost didn't read it because it was a D/A story...

Author's Response: Oh, wow! I'm honoured to have been the first author you've read stories of in D/A! :) I'm honestly glad to read that you loved it. The title is meant to give emphasis to Remus' inner turmoil and I'm happy you caught that little detail. I'm especially giddy to know that I've encompassed a reader to believing the story, even if it had a bit of AU in it. About that section that you mentioned, yes, I'm going to go back and edit that. Tenses are thine enemies >.>

Thank you so much, Tina! I'm really happy that you liked the story as a whole, and thank you for reading and reviewing! I hope that this time, you'd be more open to D/A now since there are many amazing stories in that category :)

Reviewer: h_vic
Date: 09/17/10 6:05
Chapter: Chapter 1

Like I've already said to you, Dinny – I think this a great concept for a fic that really explains a lot about Remus, particularly why he kept pushing Tonks away and why in DH he couldn't handle Tonks being pregnant. If he'd killed his baby sister then of course the thought of having his own child would be terrifying, and it makes even more sense, with that in mind, that he'd try to run away from his responsibilities and go off Horcrux hunting with Harry because of course he'd think distancing himself from the child would be for the best.

I think you've done a very nice job of characterising his reserve and the way he's pushing his friends away because he thinks he doesn't deserve them and he'll only hurt them too in the end.

I really like the way too that he's afraid of losing control and so he's bottling his emotions up.

He rested his back on the wall, sliding down to the floor, and putting his head in his hands. He tried to remember all the short methods to answer Arithmancy questions, and the ingredients needed to create the Draught of Living Dead.

I think this passage is just lovely. It really shows how he's struggling for control and the emotions are so much more powerful for their subtlety than if you'd have told us outright how conflicted he is.

He wanted to say he was sorry, but it wouldn't come out. It seemed like 'sorry' didn't work anymore. It wouldn't fix anything.

I like this part too for similar reasons. It's a lovely, understated way of showing how much what has happened has forced him to grow up so suddenly and how it's made him a little brittle and cynical. He's been forced to realise far too young that some things just can't be fixed and that sorry is just a word and it can be utterly meaningless.

I have to agree with what Vorona said though that there is perhaps just a tiny touch of melodrama in the conversation with Lily, and I think perhaps it stands out a little bit more than it otherwise would just because at other points you've kept the emotions so wonderfully restrained and subtle. I think, actually, that section would have even more impact and flow a little better with the tone of the rest of the fic if you reined in some of Remus' dialogue just a little.

I'm very much a believer that less is more with angst – I tend to think that sometimes you just have to trust the readers to find the emotion in a piece for themselves without signposting too heavily for them how you want them to feel. The most powerful emotional responses, for me at least, often come from atmosphere and a character's physical responses to a situation rather than necessarily what's said, or if it comes from what's said then it's more likely to be from very simple, direct dialogue than anything too explicitly descriptive of how the character feels.

It won’t be long before he starts ruining the lives of his dearest friends, and what he feared most in the world will come to him.

He’ll be alone.

Because he was a monster.

“I didn’t mean it.”


I think this is a very powerful ending, especially 'Because he was a monster'. It just makes my heart bleed for him that he's so scared of himself and has so much self-loathing. The tenses in this section are just a little muddled though. I think what you probably need for clarity's sake is something more along the lines of:

It wouldn’t be long before he started ruining the lives of his dearest friends, and what he feared most in the world would come to him.

He'd be alone.


You write emotion really well, Dinny, and I think that's one of the hardest and most important things to get right generally, so well done!

~Hannah

Author's Response: Hello, there, Hannah!

I'm very glad that you approve of my fic! I do agree that emotion is so very hard, and you saying that I succeeded (to an extent) means so much to me, thank you! I'm happy you particularly enjoyed the first detail you mentioned - it's my favourite line :) Also, thank you for pointing out those grammar errors. Tenses hate me so much. I'm trying my hardest to combat the strong enemy. And yes, I agree with you with the melodramatic tendencies. In some moments, I really would like to hang my head in shame.

I have to thank you again, Hannah, because you just pointed out the problem that I keeps on resurfacing at me. You are utterly right - with angst, less is always more. Ah, thank you so much!

Thank you for the wonderful review! I appreciate the effort you made for just reading it then leaving a good, thorough review :)

Reviewer: msk8
Date: 08/17/10 12:28
Chapter: Chapter 1

AAAAAHHHHHHH! It made me want to cry... Poor Remus.... I never really thought about the hard life he went through before Hogwarts. It so totally fits. Perfect.

Megan :D

Author's Response: So now you know.. :D I'm glad you like it, Megan! And perfect? I wouldn't say it was perfect.. more like fascinating XD Thanks for reading, and reviewing! :)

Reviewer: Vorona
Date: 08/14/10 9:48
Chapter: Chapter 1

Wow. My first impressions are how much emotion you managed to pack into this story. Every word is dripping with emotion, throughout the whole story. I've never read a Remus story quite like this, and overall, I thought it was well done. It gave me a whole new glimpse to his character.

In general, I thought the characterisation was good. Remus is trying so hard to stay controlled, despite the fact that no one could really be controlled after an event like that. He's so tightly wound that it's not surprising that Lily's words cause him to explode. I thought, in particular, how her words were juxtaposed with his memory of James, Sirius, and Peter all telling him that everything would be okay. That was a brilliant move! Having her speak, then having him remember those times, and then showing his explosion as a result of all of that was wonderful!

I liked the way you worked with time in this story, too, moving back and forth. That can be really hard to do, and I've read some stories where I just get confused. But each time, you give us just enough to understand where we are and how we got there. In particular, I liked how the memory was alluded to but not shown until later. We get the sense that something is wrong, but not what. I also like how it was connected to partying and getting drunk -- a nice metaphor for losing control in general. It highlights the fact that Remus' condition makes it so that he can't even engage in normal activities without worrying about what might happen. The plot, overall, was good.

Like Gina (Gmariam), I had some problems with the tense changes. In particular, when Lily comes, she says, "You could talk to me." I thought that it was a little unclear if she meant that, at that moment, she was there for him to talk to, or if she meant that he shouldn't have been alone all that time because he could talk to her. If it's the former, I think "You can talk to me," would work better, and if the latter, "You could have talked to me" would be best. Also, when there's something you ought to do, the expression is "supposed to" not "suppose to". So, Lily's line when she first enters should be, "You were supposed to meet me in the library before we patrol tonight."

The other problem I had was that although I really liked the emotion you put into this story, at times, it seemed a little melodramatic. In particular, I found it hard to imagine Remus actually saying, "this pain that always makes me cry out, and bleed inside." It seemed just a little over the top--something I'd expect more in an angsty poem than dialogue.

Overall, though, I thought this was very good. One thing I could see doing (and this is entirely up to you), is to make more of the "it will all be alright" motif you have going. For example, when Remus replies to Peter, he could use that phrase instead of or in addition to "Nothing to worry about". It could also make a good title for this story, underlining the actual emotion of this story: Remus' knowledge that it won't ever be alright. That's such a powerful emotion, and you do a wonderful job bringing it out. Great job!

On a side note, I wanted to thank you for all your help with my character, Andra Vance. Your thoughts and questions have been invaluable.

Author's Response: Thank you for those wonderful compliments! Iím glad you think itís well done (even for an amateur). The plot was spontaneous, came to me during the dead of night, Iím so happy you enjoyed it!

Yes, I have problems with the tenses, too. They hate me. I will edit that right away! Thanks for pointing those out!

About that melodramatic remark, I admitóit is, lol. I can justify it for a little bit. I imagined that everything that had been the caused by him and his infliction was hard-pressed in him, and Remus did really feel like he was bleeding inside. That sentence probably is the least thing Iím proud of. I wanted him to say how it hurts so much inside, but I canít figure out what, and so I settled for this. I really need help with story flow :|

Iím really flattered that you think my help was invaluable. I know Iím not that good with character help, but thanks so much! :) I hope Andra can hit on the screen (my computer screen) soon! Sheís a very interesting character, and I hope to see more of whatís inside her. Thank you very much for reading, and reviewing! I appreciate it! :)

Reviewer: ron lover
Date: 08/10/10 16:04
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hello Dinny!

Your first story got validated! Great job! :D

This is an amazing first story. It's not like some of the other first stories I've read, including mine. Your writing is very good. It is very powerful and very emotional, and in some points I thought I might cry.

I love how you use small sentences at the end of each part. I get another wave of emotion, and it makes me feel even worse for him. You don't do it all the time, which makes it even more powerful. Great job with that.

The beginning was nicely set up. I kind of knew what was happening - I didn't know too much and I didn't know too little. I think that last line there was the best in the story. I was saying "oh no" in my head because I knew something bad was going to be revealed later in the story.

In that part, the 'w' in that:

Remus, who had been lying on the ground hungry and tired, asked quietly, “why not?”

should be capitalized.

I like how the next part doesn't say what happened. It leaves me, the reader, wondering what happened. But you write that scene so that I was focused on Remus.

Another reason why it's good that you didn't have the memory there is that it gave me time to come to my own conclusions. Lines like That it wasn’t his fault, and he shouldn’t blame himself? made me think of Snape finding out about Remus being a werewolf.

I love the transition between the second and third scene. It's a great way to get to the memory. How you have Lily there, and not one of the Marauders, makes this scene better, I think. It gives a reason why Lily was there for him. She knows that he's hurting, and she needs to help him get though that; she understands that he shouldn’t be left to deal with it alone. The others don't.

What happened?

I love that line. I imagine it sounding bitter in his head, which fits with how Remus is feeling. Also, it is an amazing way to transition to the memory.

Oh, the memory.

I wasn't expecting that. At all. So that made it all the more powerful. He killed his baby sister. His mom was devastated. At that point I didn't think that it could get any worse for Remus, but then I got to this part:

He had only ever wanted her to be happy.

That just makes me feel so sad for him. All he wanted was for them to be happy, and he messed that up. I can relate to that, and I'm sure other people can too, and that's why it hit me harder than anything else.

Another thing that is good is how you separated the different memories. It brought me back to reality, and it also made me realize that we were finding out what happened, and not Lily.

It was a good idea to add the short memories after that. It shows how Lily's words stuck a chord, and it showed how Remus's friends were there for him

One nitpick in the main memory is in:

He saw his mum who had shining tears streaming down her face, and his dad murmuring words to her, and holding her hand.

You could get rid of the last " , and" and replace it with "while". It would read a bit better like that.

Also, after the memories there's this:

I’ll have to live with this—this pain that always makes me cry out, and bleed inside.

You don't need the comma at the end there.

I love the last few lines. The ending to this story was excellent. Having the last line be Remus's words ends the story with him being helpless, in a way, which makes this ending a powerful one.

I don't think I can say anything constructive about how much I love it, so I'll stop now. :P

After I finished reading the memory part, I was wondering why Dumbledore hired Remus if he killed someone. Surely that wouldn't be received very well by the parents. So I started to doubt that what happened was possible. But then I thought more about it, and didn't Remus say something about how he didn't think Dumbledore should hire him? Something along those lines? So that could go with him being a werewolf and about killing his sister. Great job with keeping that canon.

How did you come up with the idea of Remis killing his sister? I think it's a good idea. It gives a reason why he's so cautious, not that he needs one in his situation.

Remus's characterization is very good in this story. His emotions are so strong, and they still remain IC. He desperately wants people to believe that he didn't want his sister to die and that he isn't a monster because he doesn't want to be alone. I think you write that in a great way because earlier in the story you have Remus think about the Marauders and how he doesn't think he deserves them. Great job with having that in there. I'm sure Remus would feel that way if JKR were to write about him.

I also think Lily is very IC. She's friends with him, so she worries about him. She doesn't press anything too far, because she knows that isn't what he needs. Even though she didn't have that big of a part in the story, I still liked reading her.

The title is also good. It shows that he really didn’t mean for anything bad to happen to him, and also to everyone around him.

I really love this story, Dinny. This is a great D/A. Keep writing and posting stories so everyone can enjoy them. :)

Great job!

Alyssa

Author's Response: Hello, Alyssa! Thank you! :D
Aw, you didnít cry? Well, at least you said you might . . . *cheeky*
For me, small sentences make up most of the power, not the long paragraphs. Itís like silent epiphanies, and math solutions. The answers are written in a short-length manner, and itís quite powerful. Iím glad you enjoyed those! :)
The last line of the first scene, I think, was one of my worst sentences because it seemed clichť, and too showy, so I was really surprised when I read that you think itís the best one. I will be editing it correctly again, and I hope itíll be the last, lol. Thanks for pointing those out!
Honestly, I canít believe I wrote the story. As Iím reading one of your epic reviews, it feels like your reviewing someone elseís story, not mine. Iím ultimately happy that you love the transition of the scenes. As I wrote it, it seemed like the story flowed the best in that sequence. Actually, I thought of James being the one whoís comforting him, and Lily disturbing them, but it all seemed too childish, so I settled for Remus being alone with the lovely Lily.
Iím glad you love the ďwhat happenedĒ line. I thought I was being a bit too redundant already, so.. thanks so much! I gave clues in the beginning as to what may have happened and again, Iím surprised it caught you unaware. Yes, Iím sure many people would relate being a disappointment; Iíve been on myself, too.
The short memories were actually added during the last minute. It wasnít included in the first submission of the story, but as I reread it again, I added it, so I guess it was a good idea since you enjoyed it :D
Truth be told, I didnít think about Dumbledoreís acceptance of Remus as a professor. XD But Iíve always thought that Remus was guilty almost about every aspect of his life (his friends, family, etc), and I think the story added a bit more into it.
Okay, the bunny came to me when I was thinking of the weekly challenge at the beta boards, and I waited, and waited, and then woosh! It dropped down into my head like some lost cockroach.
I am relieved that you think Remus and Lily are IC. That had to be one of my main dilemmas as I wrote this.
If thereís one thing in the story that I am most proud of, itís the title. :D I donít know why, and I also donít know how it came to me, but it fitted it (to me, anyway).
Thank you so much, Alyssa! Thanks for reading, reviewing and pointing out those mistakes, and for telling me what you think of the fic. I enjoyed reading your review. Thank you, and I will post more stories, and I hope you do, too! (youíre a great writer, too, as far as I can tell).

Reviewer: Gmariam
Date: 08/10/10 14:34
Chapter: Chapter 1

For some reason, your author's note - Wait! I have reasons! - made me stop and giggle. Which was odd after such a sad story. So my first question is - reasons for what? My second question is - did this pop out of the June drabble challenge on the beta boards? Just curious, as loads of people wrote Remus/Lily. I love reading about their friendship, and you wrote a lovely scene for them at the end.

The idea of Remus killing his baby sister during a transformation is so horrifying and sad. Very original though, and plausible as well. I was only a bit confused as to when it happened - did it happen before he came to Hogwarts, or after his friends found out about him? The first scene was a bit unclear, but I think they got drunk as friends and that's how it happened? That is really tragic. Kudos for daring to go there. The flashbacks worked well in detailing things more, revealing it bit by bit. I would only suggest trying to tie it to the opening a bit more. For example, why was he transforming with his friends out of Hogwarts?

I really wanted to leave a review to point out one thing: the tense jumps around several times. For example:

"He tried to give her a smile, but instead, he gave her a grimace. He wanted to say he was sorry, but it won't come out. It seemed like 'sorry' doesn't work anymore. It wouldn't fix anything. After a moment of silence, Lily spoke."

This paragraph jumps tense from past to present. "It won't come out" should be "It wouldn't come out" and 'Sorry doesn't work anymore" should be "Sorry didn't work anymore."

It happens again toward the end:
"It was his fault that his sister is dead, his mother is depressed, and that his father was always absent. He took away all their happiness."

As I read it, it should be "his sister was dead, his mother was depressed." This keeps it in line with "and his father was always absent."

Ditto on the next two paragraphs, but I won't point those out here. Just be sure to stick with one tense. :)

Sorry to point that out, but since you mentioned improving and concrit in your author's note, I thought it would help as you continue writing. I think you've got great ideas and did really well with the characters. Good luck as you continue! ~Gina :)

Author's Response: Hello Gina! Iíll answer your questions now :) I thought that there would be readers that were not pleased with the story, so I gave reasonsómaybe itíll better if I call it ďexcusesĒóexcuses for my amateur-ness. No, I didnít plan for this to be entered in the June Monthly, but rather in the weekly where the lovely barmaid requested for drabbles that will either make her laugh or cry. I did this, then I realized that it had to be under 500 words, not 800, and I couldnít make it any shorter unless I donít do it justice, so I put it back into the original length, added a bit more paragraphs, and submitted it as a one-shot. It happened before he came to Hogwarts for his sixth year, so that would be during summer. His friends had already found out about him. :) He wasnít in the Shrieking Shack because he wasnít at Hogwarts, and they got drunk during the night of the full moon, so they werenít able to go to the place (Iím making this up; I just imagined it that way) where no one could be harmed by a werewolf. Yes, they did get drunk, and thatís the main reason why Remus ended up killing someone. He transformed out of Hogwarts because it was during summer, and they had a baby shower that night so I think thatíll explain if ever it was canon that Remus goes to the Shrieking Shack every full moon even if it was summer time. Yes, youíre right, I should have tied a bit of the memories to the beginning, sorry for the confusion! Ahhhh! Yes, the tenses, sorry about that! I really have a problem with those. Iíll fix it as soon as possible. Thanks for pointing those out! I will do my best stick with one tense, thank you! Thanks for all those lovely compliments, and thank you for taking the time to leave a review and helping me out with my writing! I truly appreciate it :)

Reviewer: hermy008
Date: 08/09/10 18:27
Chapter: Chapter 1

im a beginner too, and i really enjoyed this fic. you seemed to capture how a teenager would act (all angsty and angry). the bit with Lily was a memorable moment too, that seems to match what Lupin said in PoA about Lily, "she was there for me when no one else was." good job!

Author's Response: Yes, that line was ringing at the back of my mind when I wrote this. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, and approve of how Remus acted, and the conversation with Lily. Thank you for reading, and thank you for reviewing! I appreciate it! :)

Reviewer: Heiress of Marauders
Date: 08/09/10 17:59
Chapter: Chapter 1

This was really amazing. The way you portrayed the things Remus had to go through was really heart-breaking, especially in that scene with his mother. You did an amazing job with character consistancy and the storyline is great as well. I really can't believe this is your first fic!

Author's Response: I can almost cry from too much happiness. I'm ecstatic that you enjoyed the story! My goal was to try and let the reader feel his pain, and I'm glad you felt the moments. I really can't believe that you loved the characterisation, and the storyline most especially. It was a random idea, came to me late at night. Thank you so much, and I appreciate that you took the time to read, and review! Thank you :)

Reviewer: Sagen
Date: 08/09/10 10:47
Chapter: Chapter 1

Eep! Dinny! I'm so proud of you! This is awesome. :) I'm so glad that your story got up. As I said 1000+ times before, it truly is an amazing story.

Author's Response: Thank you very much, Gen! I am so glad that you enjoyed it! :) By the way, thanks for beta'ing it :D

Reviewer: lucca4
Date: 08/09/10 1:43
Chapter: Chapter 1

Dinny Dinny Dinny!!!

This story is so, so interesting and creative, bringing Remus's lycanthropic hardships to a whole new level :) . I love the characterizations of him and Lily and their interaction, it was so REAL! The bad thing about the realness of the fic is that...it's *SAD* ! It hurts my heart to think of Remus so upset like that, and about what he did to his parents, inadvertently. I think you did an excellent job with the parents' reactions, by the way. I'm glad you didn't brush it off as "Oh, Remus, you killed my child, but it'll be all right because I love you..." because it really wouldn't be like that.

Great, stupendous, AMAZING job for your first fic :) I'm so proud of youuu!!

xx Ariana xx

Author's Response: Thank you so much, Ariana! I'm glad you approve of the characterization of Lily, Remus and his parents, that bit just has to be the hardest to write. I agree that to have been the mother of a murdered child, and also to have been the mother of the murderer, she would have lost control of her normal self. She'd play the victim and all that. I'm happy that the story touched you! Thank you, thank you, thank you so very much! :)

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