I'll be honest, not my favorite of your stories, though there were some good moments. I thought the dialogue could have used...well, something, and the first few paragraphs contained a few self-contradictions. But the proposal scene was great, as was the emotion behind the brothers' making up. As someone who's fought with his younger brother (a lot), I could totally understand the desire to just haul off and smack the other. Though our parents would kill us if we ever did something like break a coffee table. Then again, we don't have magic to fix it instantly. The bit about the Snorkack was cute too. I'd always liked to think that Luna became a much more successful magizoologist (I'm praying that's the right term) than her father, but those kinds of references are rather hard to slip in. You found a nice, fun way of doing that though. Like I said, not my favorite of yours, but a nice story nonetheless.
I am aware that this story has problems: mainly that the premise surrounding James and Albus not getting along hasn't been written yet. Most of the story and its hidden details make sense to me, but probably not to anyone else. Granted, it's not a good excuse for glossing over so many things in the beginning, but that's sort of what happened here. I'd fix it, but I'm seriously lazy, hehe.
One of my favourite dynamics between people is that of unconditional love between family, no matter what happens. Sure, Albus thinks he doesn't like his brother much, but when it counted, none of that seemed to matter anymore.
Anyway, thanks for reading. :)
Hello, interesting as always, Jess, and you have a good insight into the minds of that pair. Your James is a jock through and through, Al much more bookish, but they're both alike in their belief that only they are right (I blame that on their father - ha ha).
Okay, I'm going to give you sone crit instead of just gushing as I usually do.
Albus grabbed onto his father’s arm, watching in horror as his brother, who he cared for deeply, no matter what he said, I didn't really like the phrase here about 'cared for him deeply'. It struck me as ... old fashioned, I guess, and as if it belonged in a Historical novelette (Georgina cared deeply for Mr Pennyfeather. Alas the rogue did not return her feelings) I don't think you needed the line because it's obvious from his next actions that he cares very much for his brother.
The other crit I have is that the initial argument, Albus' reaction and James' temper seem disproportionate. I think it's obvious that James would be struggling with being assisted by his girlfriend and his brother, and I found it almost unreasonable for Albus to chastise him over it. I know he was rude to Augusta (who I LOVED by the way), but considering everything, I thought Albus overreacted. What I would have liked, I guess, is some more build up, so Al had seen James react angrily before. Hope that makes sense.Also, I giggled a bit at Al calling James a 'son of a bittch,' because he's basically insulting his own mother. I wish James had called him on that. - LOL
Final notpick is a britpick. Please please please change pants to trousers at the end. I read pants as 'underpants' and I'm wondering why James has got lucky so quickly ... ha ha ... I wouldn't say no though.
And on with the review. I loved the scene with Scorpius. You can see why they have a good friendship, and Scorpius is very likeable. He seems to be the only person who can get through to Albus who is just ridiculously stubborn. And I hate cigars too - yeuch!.
Augusta was lovely. I did wonder if she were a Longbottom because of her name, so I was pleased when she was. It gives a nice symmetry to them and I'm imagining some gorgeous little Hannahesque type children now with pigtails who panic in exams.
In conclusion, this was a good story and I much enjoyed reading your view of the Next Gen Potters. ~Carole~
Hmm, both you and Gina have fiven me something to think about. I did just take four drabbles and stick them together and call it a story. The only part that I actually wrote without word count in mind was the third one, where they end up fighting.
The one part of the story that I do defend a bit is when Albus calls out James. They are brothers, and Albus knows right away what James is doing. Instead of focussing on recovery, he's focussing on being a patient from hell, not to mention being an ungrateful wretch to his girlfriend, who rightfully should have dumped his arse a long time ago. I suppose that's part of the prior relationship between James and Albus that as of yet exists only in my head manifesting itself. That sort of think is hard to set up when it already exists in my mind. I think you get what I mean.
Will definitely fix the Britpick. Generally, in UK English mode, I don't even have to think about things like this, as they typically come out correctly, but I was more in 'crank out drabbles' mode. I think that this, among other thing, will require some revisiting on my part.
Lovely review, and, as always, thank you for stopping by. :D
Me again. :)
So once again you manage to surprise. Here I am thinking James is really going to get it, and you end up with a sweet and fluffy proposal at the end! Ha! So who is this fiance, Augusta? I liked her spunk at the end.
The beginning was great. I really believed that James was a world-class Quidditch player and that everyone, even Albus, was excited to see him play. The match itself was brilliant, as was the play that got him injured. I wanted a bit more on his injury; I think it would have set up his foul mood a bit more. And then Albus punching him in the face would not have felt a bit rushed. Of course, when you are drabbling, feelng rushed is the name of the game. ;) Just something to think about for non-drabbled stories.
I loved how Harry pretty much threw down the gauntlet and made them sit there and talk. Great little wrestling match! And getting James to finally admit what was wrong and talk about it - especially over a good bottle of Firewhisky - was great. I really felt for him. If I ever write the EoD, my James is also sidelined by a Quidditch injury and goes on to become on Obliviator instead. If I ever write it. ;)
Like I said, the proposal was very romantic, but I liked Augusta's response the best. Glad James wised up to her.
I know you guys are talking about British/American writing in the SBBC and I must say I always notice how natural your use of British vocab and slang is. I know you're American and yet you write the British so easily it's amazing. I am jealous.
As usual, nice to see your Albus/Scorpius dynamic. Nice one-shot! ~Gina :)
Yay! Waiting for your reviews is like waiting on food at a really good restaurant.
I always knew that I wanted James to be an ex-Quidditch player. I wanted him to be a keeper, because he seems like the personal glory type to me, and making him a Seeker, which is the other more solitary position, would have just made him into a cliche. I couldn't do that to him, because I like him too much.
Augusta, while not a real canon character, is Neville and Hannah's daughter, who is three years younger than James. In my story, About Last Night, it marks when James stops thinking of her as another cousin and more like, yeah...she's cute and I like her. Then, she gets him good. Their relationship has had some troubled spots, but I can say that, about two years after this story, they have their first child, Eric. He's a large part of my plot in VoJP (well, him and James both). They really do love one another, but Augusta doesn't have that Gryffindor spirit that Neville had, which causes Albus to not like her in the future.
I thought that knowing about the fall and the resulting injury was sufficient in explaining James's angstiness. I did try to make it clear that Albus didn't know that James was never going to play again until he said so toward the end. Probably could fill that part out more, which I might do later.
I'm glad you liked it, and I think Harry would definitely lay down the Dad law in that situation. I was actually inspired to do the feuding brothers over a holiday mean by the brother duo of Kurt and Kyle Busch in the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series. One year, during the All-Star Race (both gentlemen are very good racers), Kurt wrecked Kyle trying to win, and neither talked to each other for six months. THat was until their grandma sat them down and told them that they would NOT ruin her Thanksgiving. lol
I'm glad you liked it, and you've given me some things to think about.
This was really good! You did a great job of showing James struggling not to fall apart from his injury all while keeping it in someone else's POV who wasn't sure what was going on all the time. And I can totally image James and Al brawling it out over the coffee table, and Harry wanting to pull out his hair b/c of it!
Keep it up,
Hello, Amber. :D
These two are my favourite minor characters. I just feel like I know them, so writing them together just seems so easy an dnatural for me. I just always imagined that James is the impressive athlete, whereas Albus is afraid of heights.
This started off as a series of drabbles for a SPEW activity, and I decided to write a serieal, mostly because I couldn't be bothered to come up with an original idea for every prompt. I decided to submit them as a story of their own, because the story kind of wraps itself up.
Thanks for reviewing, and it's lovely to hear from you again. Take care, and I hope ot see you around again soon.