MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
08/23/10 12:18 · For:
The Hogwarts Express
You’ve written the Marauders as the immature children they are, that’s great! :D
The opening of the chapter was fantastic; the description of the scene was very vivid that I could imagine the scene exactly in my mind. The line, ”Birds chirped happily as they flew by outside the window, and the occasional butterfly appeared beside the glass pane” gives the scene a somehow utopian air, and the perfection of it gives off a signal to a fluffy scene so I was surprised when it wasn’t.
The banter between Sirius and James about the owl quill was great, it made me laugh. I didn’t expect Sirius to be the type to waste money in something so trivial, but I guess being part of a wealthy pureblood family was a factor to it. That was awesome :)
The list of plans to woo Lily is rather a cliché thing to do, I’m sorry to say. It’s just that there have been many James/Lily fics that concern lists. :( It is fun to do in some parts of the story, but to start with it isn’t really a good idea… but don’t be discouraged! It’s only the first chapter, and I’m sure you’d come up with more ways to produce scenes that doesn’t involve lists.
“You two are scary,” Peter commented. “You practically share a brain; that can’t be normal.”
Haha, that was really funny XD And the sentence where James wonders why Peter always go out instead of staying in the compartment to change was a good way to portray his insecurity. That’s so much like Peter to me, good job! James and Sirius were really IC throughout the whole chapter, however, I didn’t expect Remus to be that harsh when he was telling James to grow up. It’s rather a Lily thing to say. He also ripped the paper which is particularly harsh considering Remus was kind of like a softie when it comes to his dear friends. Peter agreeing with him, “Took you long enough,” when James declared he was a prat isn’t a Peter thing to say, too. Peter idolizes James, so I wouldn’t think he would think badly of his idol.
I’m done with my not-so-negative remarks, and I hope you don’t get discouraged! I’ll continue now with my favourite parts of the story.
“Care to close that?” Peter inquired. “The Slytherins followed us up here one year, and we’d rather not relive that.”
Fantastic move there, Becca! Of course, we couldn’t forget that those four boys are against the whole Slytherin House and vice-versa. Very nice detail! :)
I must say, Remus having a female enemy in the same house? Wow. That’s a first, and that’s what I call original. I wonder if they would end up together… XD When James said that he was going to stop asking Lily out already, and Lily replying that she doesn’t believe him, I felt the sting of her words. Poor James, Lily really doesn’t know when to stop hurting you, does she? So James stopped the courting now, what’s going to happen next? Your OC, Jackie, is funny, too. I wonder if she had an ulterior motive when she was convincing Lily to consider James’ proposal (No, not the marriage proposal), or did she just felt bad for James?
Continue writing, and I hope to see a fast update soon! :)
Author's Response: So I get home from getting two teeth pulled out (not nearly as bad as I anticipated, haha) and find this review, and it totally made my day better. Dinny, you are fabulous! I think we discussed a bit of this on AIM yesterday, but I'll just readdress it all because it made my day so much better.
I'm stoked that you liked that bit of description; I had a discussion with my mother about how I'm not a very visual writer, and she said that to give a fantastic vision of a scene you don't need to use fancy adjectives, just write what you see in your mind, which is what I did for this :) I'm pleased that you thought it gave it a utopian air; I think that, to some students, Hogwarts WAS in fact a utopia, that it was home. And what can I say about the Sirius-James bantering? XD I find intelligent sniping rather amusing, and it's so fun to write! As for the list... I definitely do believe it was a cliche. I've got it turned into a bit of a recurring joke in later chapters, something to fuel the sarcastic dialogue between James and Sirius, so I don't really want to edit it out at this point. As for Remus's reaction to the list, and Peter's comment, in my mind I thought they were a bit justified. I see Remus as being the closest to Lily out of all of them, and being exasperated that James is still so immature that he thinks something like a list will win Lily's heart. As for Peter, I saw him as being a bit distracted throughout that scene, poring over schoolbooks, not really aware of what he was saying. If I got rid of that description while editing, that's my fault and I fail XD
Well of course we can't forget the Slytherin rivalry! Thank you very much for the compliment on that line, though, I didn't feel like it particularly stood out when I wrote it :) As for Remus and Angela's animosity... Ah, we'll find out a bit later if there's more than academic reasons to that one, won't we? ;) Jackie is a dear to write, she's fabulous. Thank you so very much for this fantabulous review! I'll definitely try to update soon! Becca:D