(Signed) · Date:
08/25/10 17:13 · For:
Chapter 2 A Sacred Dishonour
I'm even more intrigued now, and even more convinced that I'm going to enjoy this story.
The hints at a past with Molly and Arthur and Rodolphus have me wondering, not to mention the very interesting concept of Dumbledore and McGonagall having different agendas.
I feel now like I'm really starting to warm to Elasaid as a character - her interaction with the cat and the plant were lovely and showed a much warmer, more human side to her and then the conversation with Dumbledore seemed to show a more vulnerable side. It's nice to see a character who appears to have been thought out and rounded so carefully.
A couple of very small points I was aware of in this chapter: the first is that unusually enough, in canon, Moody's name is spelled Alastor not Alastair; the other was just to say don't be afraid of repetition - whilst the same word appearing too many times isn't always great, sometimes forcing a an awkward synonym is actually worse for the flow than a minor repetition. There were a couple of phrases like 'appendages' and 'living quarters' that just felt a bit out of place and as if perhaps they are acting as a substitute for something simpler to avoid repetition, where that might not actually have been the end of the world.
I'm very much looking forwards to the next chapter of this story.
Author's Response: Thanks for your feedback. I agree with you about minor repititions rather than those forced synonyms. My writing critique group really gets on my case about repetitions. So, I'll do what any good writer does; I'll give my critique group what they want and then fix it the way I know better for Mugglenet. Please tell your friends about the story! I'm waiting for confirmation from the Gryffindor House head to join the house and the poor story just sits in the archives, not being read. It's such a shame! I need to get a banner made too! So much to do!
(Signed) · Date:
08/25/10 13:05 · For:
Chapter 1- A Hogwarts' Reunion
I have a decided weakness for a good Severus/OC story, and I haven't found a new one worth reading in far too long. Reading your opening chapter has given me hope that I may have finally found one!
You write well; your writing seems technically competent and your characterisation of McGonagall was strong, both of which had me breathing a sigh of relief that I could relax into the intriguing beginning without worrying if the basics would ruin an otherwise interesting story.
I am intrigued. Elasaid has a very murky background and this chapter asks a lot of questions that leave me wanting to know more about her and her past. I look forward to reading more.
Author's Response: Thanks Hannah for your words of encouragement! I worked this chapter through seven revisions and so many critiquers, I lost count. Chapter 2, A Sacred Dishonour is now available for your reading pleasure. Please! If you see anything that doesn't click, let me know. I have such hopes for this story. It's very close to my heart.