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Reviews For Shattered Universe

Name: The_Real_Hermione (Signed) · Date: 12/15/10 3:48 · For: Chapter 1
This was a really original idea and I think you pulled it off really well. Your characterisation of Scrimgeour was very nice - especially the way you showed his over-confidence and told the story in almost a report-like format. I also loved the second person (although maybe that's just me... I do love stories from that perspective). It really put the emotions on to the reader, which was very effective, because it humanised a character whose worse characteristics are perhaps shown in canon. But after all, Scrimgeour is just trying to do his best. (I hope that makes sense.)

I would have loved it to have been longer. I know it is basically about the moments before he dies, but I would have loved to have seen where his character came from etc.

Anyway, it was very well written, original and I really enjoyed it. Good job!

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it so much. Perhaps I will extend it. When I wrote it, I was more of a beginning writer than I am now, so I think I might be able to.

Name: lucca4 (Signed) · Date: 10/16/10 10:23 · For: Chapter 1
I really like the premise for your story. You did a wonderful job exploring the mind of Rufus Scrimgeor and the reasoning behind his behavior towards Harry. I always thought he was better than Fudge--but never really liked him much. I like how you humanized his bad characteristics and portrayed his insecurities. When I first clicked on the story, I wasn't sure I would like the second person POV from Rufus, but you did very well on that!

I wish this story had been a little longer, though. Most of it takes place within the moments before Rufus's death, and while it's very well done, a few scenes from other times in his life would have been a nice addition. This would have been a nice time to show snippets from his life, things that happened that shaped who he is. Length isn't too much of an issue, usually, but your writing is *very* good and it would have made the story even better if we as readers could have seen more of it.

Another tiny issue I had was the lack of dialogue. Again, this is not something that matters *too* much in stories, but especially in a story like this it would have been nice. The fic is mostly separated into large paragraphs, and while this doesn't necessarily bother *me*, it could bother other readers who are daunted by the lack of dialogue/shorter paragraphs. It would have also made the story a little longer, and readers could have seen a little more of the backdrop for the fic.

I love how you tied the title into the story; my favorite line is the one that refers to the title: "Maybe he can do what you could not—pick up the shattered pieces of your universe and carefully weld them back together, weld them into something that is reminiscent of what you used to know."

Great writing with this fic!

xx Ariana

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it so much. Originally this was going to be a drabble, so that's why it's so short. It might have been better longer, but I couldn't really think of anything else to write at the time. Looking back, I think that dialogue could have made it better, but I wasn't very confidant with my dialogue skills at the time. I'm not very confidant with them now either, I suppose. I'm glad you like the title thing-- I try to do that with everything I write. My titles are usually lines from the story or poem, or lines I plan to put in. I'm again, really glad you liked it, and super happy that you left such a nice long reveiw(thank you!). :D
Megan :)

Name: Hermoine Jean Granger (Signed) · Date: 08/01/10 5:27 · For: Chapter 1
Hello there,

This insight into Rufus Scrimegour's mind just before his death is kind of chilling and very realistic. The choice of title makes so much more sense after reading the story, and the duality implied in the title was something that really impressed me. The shattered universe that is being talked of refers to the wizarding world as well as his life, and in the story, you've explored both through his fleeting thoughts before death, which makes it very apt.

I also loved the way the first line set the tone for the entire story so well. You spent your entire life preparing for the worst. Clipped, short, to-the-point, and delivered in a no-nonsense tone without any room for much thought. It's what the story was, too. Dying moments don't give time for eloquent pondering and remniscence, and this story capitalised on that fact with the narrative being short. It made it seem much more real, you know.

Throughout the story, again, I found that the repetitiveness that you maintained was something that definitely added to the quality of the story. I loved how you ended each paragraph on a similar note, while still marking the progress of the story each time: from confidence in the beginning to the first traces of fear, and then, to reconciliation of facts and finally, to hope. The open-ended last lines, with emphasis on 'maybe', shows that Scrimegour too is human, with his own share of fear. Just, I liked your narration a lot. Each sentence added to the story, and there wasn't even a single stray line which struck me as being out of context or tone.

The choice of second person, however, I question. I wonder if the choice of first person would've been a wiser decision here, as the referenece is, mainly, to Scrimegour and it is very evident throughout the story. I also found that the second person view took more away from the story than add to it, in the sense that it was harder for me to connect much with the main character in question. Second person isn't something which, in my humble opinion, works well for stories which are clearly demarcating the character in question; somehow, in the stories I've read thus far, I've found it much more applicable in stories where it's much more easier for the reader to fit in the character of his/her choice into the story, as it is left open-ended for his/her decision.

The characterisation of Scrimegour is focussed upon as well, with the style of writing itself giving an insight to the gruff man that he was in canon. I found, however, that you've also emphasised on his early years, and that was a nice addition. He came across as a man who was caught between the realms of idealism and realism: he prepared for the worst all his life and thought he was ready, and when, when it hit him in the face, he realises his folly and how really unprepared he is. I think that's true in all cases, actually. Death isn't something any one is prepared to face, however hard they might try to be stoic and brave. The traces of panic really illustrate that well in the story here.

Overall, good work!

Author's Response: Hello, First of all, I must say: Thank you very much for the long, helpful, and insightful reveiw! And thanks for all that praise. I love praise. It makes me all warm and fuzzy. :D I'm really glad you enjoyed my story. Now, your concerns: Second person vs. first person: I do not do very well when I try to write in first person. (I do very poorly, in fact) I think that this story would have worked great that way, but it popped into my head in second person, and I probably would have mutaliated it if I tried to change that. I do not think that I could have conveyed the same mood as I did were I to write it in first person, because, for me at least, a lot of the mood in this story stems from it being second person. It might have worked well in third person also; but I, again, would have mutaliated it in the transition. I am largely happy with how this story turned out, though, and do not think I would change it to first or third if I thought I could do so well. And, again: Thank you so much for the reveiw! (and for muddling through it even though you don't like second person) :D I am so glad you enjoyed the story. (I LOVE it when people enjoy what I write) :)

Name: Evora (Signed) · Date: 07/10/10 17:49 · For: Chapter 1
Hi there Megan!

I told you I would check it out :) Here I go!

I realized it was Scrimgeour at the line, "Soon you became Department Head." Then I realized what canon scene you were writing at the line, "You were prepare to fight." This is a short scene, but I like it. You painted a very vivid scene, Megan. Not in the physical way, but in an emotional way. You've captured the way that Scrimgeour is: over confident.

"Despite your training, a shot of panic runs through you. You quell it. Fear of what is to come will do nothing for you."

I like those lines. You seem to give him his downfall here as an Auror. I wish I could tell you precisely what I think about this chapter, but sadly, I'm poor with words. Boo. I hope you don't mind a little bit of criticism, but I think it would have been nicer to end the chapter by the killing curse. Yeah, really morbid, but final. Good job :)


Author's Response: Thankee, Dinny! I almost decided to end it with the killing curse, but I decided not to at the last moment. I'm not really sure why now, but I like the way the end was kind of open feeling, with just the hopefulness as the last thing the reader sees.

Name: Midnight_Unicorn (Signed) · Date: 07/10/10 4:15 · For: Chapter 1
I like how you've given Rufus some background and charachter. I've never been a huge fan, but this makes me a little bit sad that he dies. :( Good job!

Author's Response: Thank you! Originally, when I was first just writing this, it wasn't even Rufus I was thinking about. I just had this line pop into my head, (You spent your life preparing for the worst. You thought you were ready. The worst has come. You aren't ready.) and I built the story around that. The idea that it was Rufus Scrimgeor came to me when I was rewriting it to make it longer.

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