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Reviews For A Moment, A Love

Name: h_vic (Signed) · Date: 08/14/10 13:07 · For: In Which Lily gets to Wear the Lucky Duck Pyjamas
I must have said this before, dear, but you write teenagers so convincingly. Your characters and the interactions between them feel very real. You've done a good job with Lily: she's likeable yet flawed and a product of her family yet her own person. I really like how she has her mother's fire and her father's disregard for rules (although just sometimes that can feel a little forced, I think, like in the opening chapter with the nail varnish where it seems odd that she wouldn't at least get why McGonagall would have an issue with it; I like it when her rule-breaking has a purpose like getting alcohol from Hogsmeade, but the way you've set her character up, delinquency for its own sake doesn't quite seem to suit her, to me at least).

The story is well constructed to in the way that you introduce the readers to Lily and her life and make us care about her before you bring in the issue of pregnancy, because so many fics dealing with things like teen pregnancy just rush in headlong without really setting up a strong foundation for the characters.

I love the relationships with her friends. They feel real, and affectionate and unforced. I'm a little less convinced so far though by her relationship with Lysander. I feel like I haven't got a particularly clear idea of who he is yet. He's a nice boy, but beyond that, I'm not really sure I can see any real depth to him at the moment or what makes the pair of them tick as a couple. Part of it may be because, as yet, I can't see what makes him Luna's son rather than just a random next gen character, if that makes sense.

A lot of that may just be due to him having not had much 'screen time' yet, and I'm sure that he'll become more fleshed out as the story progresses. I have to say though that he did feel a lot more human after seeing his reaction to Lily telling him she's pregnant – just swearing seemed a very genuine and likely response.

You've certainly succeeded in hooking me with this story. I find myself wondering if they can make it work (and I'll definitely keep reading to find out) and particularly how their parents will react (I'm particularly intrigued to see Luna's reaction because I just can't picture it at all).

I think it's a brave plot to take on, because it's such a difficult situation to relate to in so many ways, but I think you are doing a great job so far, Jen.


Name: fairy_lights27 (Signed) · Date: 08/06/10 21:37 · For: In Which Lily gets to Wear the Lucky Duck Pyjamas
She's having twin babyz!!!!!

Name: yuppitzmeganx3 (Signed) · Date: 08/06/10 17:29 · For: In Which Lily is a Delinquent
i didnt expect twins!!!! ahh i cant wait for harry n ginny to find out

Name: OkiBlossom (Signed) · Date: 08/06/10 14:27 · For: In Which Lily Beats a Few Bludgers

You really have captured the teenage voice here and Lily’s relationship with her friends. Even though you had explanation in the last chapter, there seems to be a lot of dialogue here. As I’m sure you know, that makes nice for hinting at characterization, but it moves a little fast. That’s good for a quick read, but, usually, in writing, there is still some balance between narration and dialogue. Incorporating the lake here, tying that in with the other Lily, is something interesting that ties it to canon. It brings that scene back from Order, even though it’s an everyday thing; it’s the simple things that make this piece more believable.

The Quidditch game has all the elements. I especially like that you are running through introductions with a ‘whack’ to make this more comical. You are developing Lily as a character. May I say that I am so pleased that you do not have her as a copy of Ginny, or a weak girl protected by her brothers, or just another cliché Potter. No, she is a girl who has quite a style and stays on her feet. Your description has improved during this second scene, especially with the explanation after the game, which moves your plot. This is the part, if you were wondering, where Liam is discussed and the girls are talking about another teenager who was caught in the act.

I would recommend that you have more explanation and feed through more of a back story. I don’t know how to say this other than looking at other pieces of fiction. The explanation continues, so it isn’t just ‘this happens and then this happens’ in a plot. You know, if your piece is going to be about an unplanned pregnancy, the mention of ‘the period’ is necessary for that clue, and it’s not overdone. The rebellious acts make me smile, but they sound a bit too Muggle at times, if you get what I’m saying.

Keep Writing. An interesting chapter,


Name: boqiex3 (Signed) · Date: 08/06/10 13:53 · For: In Which Lily gets to Wear the Lucky Duck Pyjamas
TWINS! I was NOT excpeting that! Keep up the good work! Excited for mummy's and daddy's reactions!!

Name: muggler180 (Signed) · Date: 08/06/10 8:20 · For: In Which Lily gets to Wear the Lucky Duck Pyjamas
great chapter I can not wait for the next chapter

Name: nevilleherosnape (Signed) · Date: 08/06/10 7:15 · For: In Which Lily gets to Wear the Lucky Duck Pyjamas
Mum's gonna freak! Can't wait!

Name: September December (Signed) · Date: 08/06/10 0:45 · For: In Which Lily gets to Wear the Lucky Duck Pyjamas
Hahaha! Twins, that insane. Poor Lily. :P

Name: locanena (Signed) · Date: 08/05/10 23:38 · For: In Which Lily gets to Wear the Lucky Duck Pyjamas
love it!

Name: Abigail Weasley (Signed) · Date: 08/05/10 23:34 · For: In Which Lily gets to Wear the Lucky Duck Pyjamas
TWINS? Really? That has to overwhelming, but I can see how it can happen: twins run in both their families. Why do I have a feeling the 'lucky ducky pajamas' had something to do with doubling the baby count? (I know better than to think that, but it was just a thought that crossed my mind while reading.)

I really like this story. It's definitely different than what you normally read in Harry Potter verse. In fact, if I didn't know any better, given the lack of insight on the subject I'd almost swear every character remained a virgin until marriage, but as hormonal teenagers are it can't always happen that way and you're proving just that.

I really love Lily's personality, her voice. It's not far from how I perceive myself, so it's definitely something I can relate to, personally.

The only thing I really disliked about it was how far a long it was until the discovery of her pregnancy. Not all symptoms happen to every woman during every pregnancy, but in general the signs usually start appearing right away. I can see her ignore some things like tender breasts and cramps, but usually morning sickness starts earlier than three months. That, and a miss period would have been a wake up call for me, but again, that's just me.

Keep writing!

Name: inspirations (Signed) · Date: 07/31/10 12:57 · For: In Which Lily's Life is Over, and That's Just the Beginning ...
Jen, I love this story. One thing about it that really stands out to me, and should, is Lily. You’ve given her such a distinctive voice and a character already, and I almost feel as if I know her. Little asides like ‘oops’ in chapter one make her seem all the more real, just because I think that’s the way we think sometimes, like we don’t always think long sentences, if you know what I mean. :/

The chapter titles are very funny, and they indirectly give characterisation to Lily, too, because they seem as if they come from her, despite being in third person. The way they all begin the same reminds me of the episode titles in Friends too which made me smile :)

Lily’s interaction with other characters, particularly Erin, is great. Initially I liked Erin because she is funny and stands really well with Lily, but in this chapter I think we really see how good a friend she is. She’s such a rock for Lily as she discovers she’s pregnant, and doesn’t let Lily pretend everything’s fine while putting off the test. Whether she’ll remain that way throughout the story, I guess we’ll find out, but I’m thinking and hoping she will, judging by her reaction in this chapter.

In this chapter I loved how much more accepting Lysander is of a possible pregnancy than Lily, and it‘s going to be interesting to see whether that attitude continues when Lily confirms the pregnancy to him. He’s been so calm so far, but will that continue? I think he’ll support Lily, but it’s how he handles it and how she handles it, and how they handle it together that I’m looking forward to reading. The conversation in this chapter shows contrast in the characters by Lysander telling her to take the test straight away, and Lily continually putting it off. I’m curious as to how the characters and their relationship will develop as a result of the pregnancy.

So, to conclude, I can’t wait to read more! I’m so anticipating the following chapters, and seeing how they’re going to handle everything, and how people will react to it -- if they’re told at all. Great start to a promising story :) xx

Name: muggler180 (Signed) · Date: 07/28/10 15:29 · For: In Which Lily's Life is Over, and That's Just the Beginning ...
I love the new take on Lily instead of the perfect daddy's girl. Can not wait to see what happens next. Please update soon!

Name: September December (Signed) · Date: 07/09/10 18:54 · For: In Which Lily's Life is Over, and That's Just the Beginning ...
Can't wait to see how Lysander takes it! Please update soon.

Name: boqiex3 (Signed) · Date: 07/09/10 11:00 · For: In Which Lily's Life is Over, and That's Just the Beginning ...
Ahh yes! She finally realized it! So excited to see the reactions from everyone else! Great work!

Name: nevilleherosnape (Signed) · Date: 07/09/10 7:33 · For: In Which Lily's Life is Over, and That's Just the Beginning ...
IT was very interesting and I loved all of Lily's internal dialogue! Hilarious! My favorite was "Oh blast bugger damn Merlin to hell for all eternity"!! LOL!

Name: ritapotter (Signed) · Date: 07/09/10 6:13 · For: In Which Lily's Life is Over, and That's Just the Beginning ...
like it

Name: Georgina1994 (Signed) · Date: 07/09/10 6:00 · For: In Which Lily's Life is Over, and That's Just the Beginning ...
when are you going to upload the next chapter...
the story is veery good

Name: locanena (Signed) · Date: 06/30/10 0:39 · For: In Which Lily gets Horrendously Drunk, and then has a Horrendous Thought
Love it

Name: cddn (Signed) · Date: 06/29/10 11:56 · For: In Which Lily gets Horrendously Drunk, and then has a Horrendous Thought
Okay, I buy Lily as a wild child - all of her mother's mischief and rebellious spirit with none of the fear of imminent death and horror that weighed down her parents' generation. What strikes me as off is her naivete. It took her three months to figure this out? Maybe if she hadn't had morning sickness - but that's such a dead giveaway. I'd have at least expected one of her friends to go, "Merlin, Lils, what are you, preggo?" before now. Having had babies myself, I can't help but think that a girl who goes three months without even thinking, "wait a sec..." is one who's completely unaware of her body, and I don't see Ginny's daughter (much less Hermione's niece and a girl with so many older female cousins) growing up that clueless.

That aside, good story so far. I really enjoyed WWC and I am looking forward to the appearance of more family members in this one and getting to know more about Lysander.

Name: September December (Signed) · Date: 06/28/10 23:10 · For: In Which Lily gets Horrendously Drunk, and then has a Horrendous Thought
I think I get to over excited when you update. I will read the new chapter as fast as I can and then get all bummed when it's over. Please update more often. :)

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