wow... This is amazing!!! I love it :) I like the way its really brutal about what the Malfoy family might have been like to try and get back into respectable wizarding society and how Draco might have then dealt with it. Personally, i usually go for a nicer, Draco actually repented idea, but i like the dark one too. Keep it up, I love the stuff you write :) xxx
Normally, I like the idea that Draco was able to take his forced attitude adjustment and become a better person, buuuut I just felt like torturing him for a bit. Then this fic was born. It will probably be my only foray into humour. My type of humour doesn't translate well onto the page, hehe.
Anyway, thank you for stopping by. I'm still mildly baffled and extremely happy that this story has gone over so well, even ages after I wrote it, so your review made me smile. <3
Ahh, this made me giggle =]
Then my job is done. Making Draco miserable has always been a favourite source of amusement for me. Glad I could share.
Wow. That was...different. I guess I had always hoped a relationship with Astoria would be some sort of, I don't know, redemption for Draco. And just as it seemed it would be...it's ripped away. But it made for a great story. Well written, great ending, good characters.
Hehe, torturing Draco is like a sport. I may or may not have a medal in that particular activity, as well. I just had a bunny about Draco having to prepare for a wedding he didn't want, and then it all blew up in his face. Plus, it was for a wedding challenge, so that had to play into the picture.
I guess it's an alternate take on how things could've played out for Draco. It's not likely, but I like to think it could've at least *happened*.
Thanks for reading/lurking my author page. It's always fun to reply to good reviews. :D
HAHAHAHAH! Oh my Godric, Draco just got owned... What a perfect way to end it. Classic hilarity. xD
Bravo, my friend, bravo!
It was probably mean of me to do this to Draco, but I had set out to make his day one large FML moment. It's the start of a really looooong night, hehe.
Thanks for reading, and I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
XD sooo funny!!!!
Hehe, I'm glad you think so. I was pretty proud of myself when I wrote this. He's just such a cantankerous bastard when he's hung over. :D
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
That was great! Wow! Wasnt expecting that ending! Jess, you are amazing!!!
Author's Response: Hehe, this was written for a story challenge about a big wedding. Since weddings are fluffy and disgusting and I'd rather be beaten than write that sort of fluff, I did this instead. I like a nice, raunchy Draco. :D
brilliant, one of the best pieces of fanfic on here
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Sometimes, it's fun to read a bit of drunken snarkiness, followed by a heaping helping of humble pie. :D
now THAT made me laugh...never was a fan of Draco Malfoy and his ilk, but this is the perfect comeuppance. :)
Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed it. There was something satisfying in torturing Draco, I'm not gonna lie. :D
Thanks for the kudos, and have a great night!
Here is yet another review for the Ravenclaw Review Circle, because 'tis so much fun!
It has become something of a cliche to have the whole 'arranged marriage' bit, even in the Trio's generation and beyond. I never bought into this sort of thing taking place in the 21st century. The way you portrayed it though certainly seems like it could be possible. I don't think you could really 'force' anyone to get married in this day and age, but they could certainly be...incuraged, so to speak.
And the line about 'putting things into his body he would later regret'...I'm not even going to say where my dirty mind went with that.
It's somewhat sad that Draco feels this way about getting married to Astoria, buit I don't suppose I really feel all that bad for him. Isn't constantly having two or three nineteen-year-old mistresses just part of being filthy rich?
Interesting idea about Theodore Nott dating Susan Bones. I was wondering who she would end up with, but this seems like it would be a good idea. I hope you wouldn't mind if I gave some consideration towards having the two of them be married. Or perhapes he ended up with one of the left out Ravenclaw girls...but my mind is wandering,
I also love all the detail you included in the actual ceremony itself. So many people I see just copy and paste the Muggle Christian ceremoney word for word. And every detail of it was beautiful! You clearly put a lot of original thought into it; enough to make it recognizable as an actual wedding, but not so much that it appeared Muggle in any way.
I always wondered a great deal about wizarding weddings, especially since weddings are, for the most part, a religious ceremony, and religion seems notably absent from the Harry Potter books. Whether this was just out of J.K.'s desire not to offend anyone, the secular nature of western Europe as a whole, or some unexplained wizarding attitude towards religion.
Merlin, there are a lot of things to consider about the wizarding world. J.K. better appriciate all the work we do for her!
The sex scene was certainly unexpected, but you pulled it off well (even if the idea of Draco actually having sex makes me feel a little queasy inside). I almost wondered if his sudden revelation about Astoria's beauty was more the liquor talking than anthing else. Friewhiskey-goggles, after all.
Also, he idea of Astoria being a...I'm not sure I can say the actual word in a review, is freaking hilarious. I just just imagine her as being the girl with a sort of 'reputation' while she was in Hogwarts. 'Inexperienced', I'll bet!
One even begs the question of where Scorpius might have come from, if Astoria happens to be blonde herself. Is she a blonde in your mind? I don't remember reading.
Well, at least now Draco can go off and drown his sorrows in a twenty-year-old scotch and an eighteen-year-old dancer.
Hello, Molly. I don't think I've ever got a review from you before, so this is good.
To me, Draco considers himself a victim. This is no different. His lot isn't as bad as it seems, but since it's from his POV, it's a little bloated, hehe.
Glad you liked the story and thank you for the review. Have a good evening (I think).
PS-I do picture Astoria as a blonde.
Jess THAT was amazing!!! I'm so glad I finally got a chance to read one of your stories- this was great.
So funny- in a dark, black comedy way that's rare in fanfiction. I loved how crude, rude and washed out Draco was, unable to make anything work- except fixing the wedding cake!!!
And I loved the way Astoria turned the tables on him at the end. I enjoyed this so much- thank you! Alex
Hehe, this story is definitely one of my best. It had started out as an angsty thing, but I found myself giggling at the very thought of a sober Harry interacting with a drunk Draco and knew that it had to be humour. This is definitely in my top three favourites. I'm glad you picked this one to read, because most the latter half of my author page is crap. :D
Good afternoon, and thanks for visiting!
You are an evil genius, Jess. I haven't giggled this much at a fic in a very long time. I came here meaning to read some of your next-gen stuff and got sidetracked by this instead.
I love how this is the utter antithesis of every wedding fic that's ever made me feel slightly nauseous. Draco's internal monologue, peppered with snide asides, bitterness and most of all the utterly vivid cracking hangover, is just brilliant. You've done a great job with making him cruel, and sarcastic, and yet at the end of it all I still felt rather sorry for him (and wondered just how long it would be before he goes grovelling back to Pansy). I think he rather got the wife he deserved all things considered.
I really enjoyed too that even in his hungover state his innate cunning let him escape the house elf, and that in dealing with the wedding arrangements you credited him with common sense, a rare attribute sometimes in the wizarding world. I think it's a pretty balanced characterisation of him all round.
Afraid I can't stop chuckling enough though to leave you a properly analytical or in-depth review, but I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed it.
This is so awesome, because I wrote this for a Weddings Challenge with exactly that effect in mind. I hate romantic, soppy stuff in large amounts, because it makes me gag. I wanted to break the mold, so to speak, on the other pieces written for the contest. This is what came out. I wanted it to be different, irreverent, and a little bit raunchy. I love raunchy. It makes the rockin' world go 'round. :D
I think my favourite part to write was the bit about the soap. Going into his wedding day smelling like his mistress's soap just seems so very Draco to me. Plus, with his round of 'problem solving', I wanted him to be like 'who the hell cares', because this is stuff that people worry about that no one even notices. And the hangover...I think most people end up going through their wedding days with one, or the bachelor(ette) party phenomenon simply wouldn't exist, lol.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story. This is the only thing I've ever written that I would consider funny, so I'm glad it was giggle-worthy. Thanks for the lovely review and for stopping by.
I'm very sorry to say, but the writer of this BRILLIANT story will have to continue to write in his/her cell in Azkaban...for simply stunning us with this delightful story that's charmed us so much that I swear someone from St. Mungo's called me for fixing the other night...
Haha! Anyways, to my real review:
I find this story amazing for the following reasons:
1. It's humorous.
2. It portrays Draco seemingly as he would be in the actual books.
3. It's well written.
Other than that, it's very engaging and because of all these reasons, this story, in my perception, is the best fan-fiction piece I've read so far.
I really enjoyed it...I do admit the drinking/sex part could've gone farther than I imagined, but a difference in style is always nice for a change, so I'm not complaining.
Just to inform you, there's a grammar mistake I spotted:
"Sure, it wasn’t very romantic, but after everything that he’d been trough, it was a pretty decent start."
*Trough = through.
^This sentence is located three paragraphs above the one where Astoria chastises Draco for forgetting his vows.
Well then, to conclude my review, I must say it was simply amazing and that if you do not continue to write, I will stupefy-stun you! :-)
Um, yeah...wow! I've had someone say that one of my stories is one of the best they've read, but I've never had anyone say that I've written the best story they've ever read. That pleases me to no end...I hope you know that, lol. When I started this story out, I really just wanted to write something dirty and irreverent. However, when I got into the story, I saw some potential for hilarity and Malfoy hijinx that could only happen with our favourite flock of blondes.
I'm glad you loved it so much, not to mention took the time to review. I dunno if you have any idea how much author's appreciate reviews, even one-liners, though more especially concise ones like yours.
I will keep writing, considering if you've seen my author page, I've written 23 fics in under a year; I'm not likely to stop now, lol. However, I would like to humbly request that you keep on reviewing, because you are a quality reviewer, which is a gift to writers on this site.
Thank you for your wonderful visit, and take care. :D
Great humor, I love the way you write!
Thank you. :)
It didn't originally start out as 'funny', but the moment the interaction between Draco and Harry started, I knew that it had to be humourous. It sort of snowballed from there. I'm glad you like it. :)
Take care and happy reading,
this is wonderful! I'm sort of new to this site and this is the first story that i've felt strongly enough about to review! It was wonderful! you wrote such an excellent draco. He was so fun to read without losing any of his signature vileness :) It was so well written, too! All the other stories i've come across so far have been full of grammatical errors and distracting typos and yours is just about perfect! I also really loved the bit before he walks down the aisle with the count down to matrimony, that was genius! I'll definitely look for more stories by you!
Ooh, two reviews in one night. It's like Christmas!
I love this story for a variety of reasons. Typically, I promote a reformed Draco, one whose changed and improved his character, maybe not so much because he wanted to as much as had to in order to stay with the rest of society. His soul searching led him to places that he had never dreamt possible. That being said, though, sometimes, I like him to stay as the rogue a-hole that we all know him to be in the books. There are a variety of ways that Draco could adapt to post-war life, and this is merely one of them. I really enjoyed writing this story, and I wanted it to be as raunchy as possible, lol. I think I've, er, done that. :D
Have a great day/night/whatever, and I hope to see you again sometime.
That was great! I feel so bad for Draco. Loved the ending though!
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I think one of the greatest compliments to an author is the ability to take an otherwise unsavory/unlikable character and turn him/her into a protagonist. I'm happy that my efforts succeeded. Thanks for reading, and take care!
Poor, poor Draco. =(
Jess, this is brilliant. I love your characterisation of Draco. It is so spot on for what I’d believe him to act Post Hogwarts, especially for his impending nuptials. And your Astoria is just plain evil! I want to slap her silly.
You have written some great moments with Draco and Lucius and Draco and Pansy--but my favourite interaction is Draco’s confrontation with Harry. Draco vomiting on Harry's leg equals priceless moment.
In addition to setting us up with multiple humorous scenes, you have managed a great fluidity to your prose, which has resulted in some excellent lines: He was getting married, and if he was to be restricted to one woman for the rest of his life, he wasn’t going into it sober.--Lol, not only is this well-written and true, it’s bloody hilarious.
My favourite exchange of dialogue would have to be the lead up to the vows and the vows themselves:
“What did I miss?” He looked back and forth between Astoria and the minister, both of whom seemed extremely annoyed that he was ruining things.
“Your vows, you prat! You’re supposed to say your vows!”
Draco is just downright comical. Even though he’s a hapless smuck here, I still love him! ^^
Well done, my dear.
Thank you, dear, for the lovely review. You appreciate the value of a good, old-fashioned, ribald tale, and this is certainly it. Draco just lends himself to hilarity so much with his attitude and mannerisms. While I typically believe in a reformed, humbler Draco, sometimes I just want him to be an a******. :D
Plus, I just wanted to write a fic with a lot of gratuitous swearing and sexual innuendo. Yay for crude humour!
I'm glad you liked it, and thank you again for the review. Take care and happy writing!
OMG I finally got around to reading this. Jess, you have outdone yourself. This is brilliant. Your Draco is irreverant, snide, proud and everything I love about him. It was refreshing to see him in this light. I admit, and you know this, I love a redeemed!Draco but while your Draco seems to regret his past, shown through his anger at his father, he has retained all his... well, unfortunate qualities. This was also a very humorous piece and I loved that. You packed it full of dry humour and wit and it matched Draco's characterisation perfectly.
She looked like a fucking goddess or something...
This had me giggling. It just struck me as something very Draco and, generally, something very male. It's like he can't actually be bothered thinking. I love it!
All in all, this was fantastic. I'm so glad I got around to reading it. I feel so behind at the moment but hopefully once exams are over and I'm on holiday I'll be able to enjoy even more amazing fanfic like this.
Well, I'm glad you got the chance to read this, too. :D
I knew from the outset that, since mush and weddings make me want to retch, I wanted to write something that fit the prompt but totally strayed from the cookie cutter fics that were sure to come from it. I think I did that. lol
I really just wanted to write something dirty and ribald. I'm not gonna lie.
Thanks for reading. *hugs*
Ah Jess - I love how visceral your writing always is. Like I mentioned before, one of the reasons this is so awesome is that it is like one big long LJ rant, only from Draco's deliciously snarky point of view. It is also very funny, but in an oh-so-dark kind of way. I love your drunk Draco, but it is kind of sad at the same time, isn' it? It's another thing you do well: create sympathy for otherwise unsympathetic characters. Particularly by the end, I totally felt for Draco. I was waiting and waiting for the twist (since you had mentioned that it was quite an ending!) only that was so not what I expected! Loved it! And that's when I officially felt bad for Draco.
Other bits of awesome: Harry's appearance was spot-on, the way Draco dealt with the wedding preparations was fantastic, and the vows were hysterical. Not to mention the very consistent, creative tone throughout, some great vocabulary, and that jaw-dropping ending.
Add to that this is once again so unique - remember when I teased you about taking this wedding prompt and turning it angsty? Well, you did it and you did it great, with a hell of an attitude. I really hope your story does well in the challenge, because it totally deserves it! Good luck!
Oh, how I love you. This story needs to be read more, because I'm pretty sure it's now in my top three faves. Carole favourited it to read it again. :D
Gah, I can't wait to read your J/L (did I really just say that?). *hugs*
Poor poor Draco...
Thank you so much for this. It made my day immensely better; seriously the most hilarious thing I've read in a while. I especially loved the banter between Potter and Draco as well as Draco's seriously naughty thoughts. I feel like me and hiim could get along...very well. :)
Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed this. I was going to put this in the Humor category, as it does have its moments, but there are a lot of children who read on this site. This story is inappropriate entirely, but definitely moreso for little ones, lol.
My fave line in the whole thing is the part (paraphrased) where Pansy said, "But you used my soap! Surely that means something." and Draco replied, "It means that I just ran out of soap!" It was interesting, viewing Draco in this light. Normally, he's more reserved, but I think I captured the snarky little bastard side of his personality, complete with some gratuitous profanity.
I'm really glad you liked it, and even more gld that it made your day. You have, in turn, made my day by saying that it made yours, and oh, dear...I've gone cross-eyed.
Anywho, I'll shut up now, but thanks for reading and have a wonderful rest of the day!
Oh Holy Freaking Prongs!
What was this? It had me crying tears of mirth, And yet - and yet, I could discern your wonderful sense of humour here in the madness. There are so many parts which were hilarious I am not going to bother and tell you.
Draco could kill people with his sarcasm here. It was a delight to read, Seriously, this might just turn out to be my favourite fic from you. And even though you will resent me for saying this, I feel it takes real talent to pull such a story off, real talent to cram so much swear words and evilness and sex and then pull it off with elan.
My only nitpick was this part in your fic (the earlier paras) where you refer to Potter as 'Harry'. Apart from that, just brilliant!
Haha, I told you it was raunchy!
I'm glad you liked it. This was actually pretty easy to write, because, as you know, raunchiness flows out of me like a little volcano. :D
I shall find the instance of which you speak for the Potter/Harry character break and fix it straightaway.
I love you. Heart Heart (the little e-hearts screw up the HTML, and the Alt3 ones don't work).