MuggleNet Fan Fiction
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Name: Equinox Chick
(Signed) · Date:
06/01/10 11:40 · For:
Hello. I rather like this. Thatcher is a well-drawn character and some of your description about his skills, feelings and memories is excellent. I liked the story as well. It wasn't just a character study, but there was a plot behind the fic. So well done for that.
I must admit that I had to re-read several passages because I found some of it rather confusing. Namely the whole scene with Rodolphus and Rosier, because I couldn't understand how Mad-Eye couldn't hear what was going on between Thatcher and Rodolphus. Also it seemed that this mission was happening in an extraordinarily public place. Tower Bridge is a very busy place at all times of day and night - it's a big tourist attraction, so I'm kinda wondering why the odd Muggle policeman or three didn't turn up. The car flipping over confused me as well, because you didn't give us any warning that it was about to hit Thatcher until Mad-Eye disposed of it He struggled for an argument finally stopped the man as he headed out into the street. He cast an Impediment Jink on a car, causing it flip in the other direction. I'm not saying that you should have written something as basic as a car nearly ran over Thatcher, but perhaps a line somewhere as he's crossing the road about a car hooting, or something. Also it should be 'Jinx' and not 'Jink'. (Also I think you need a comma after finally as the sentence doesn't make sense) There were a number of other minor errors - typos I should think, like Aurors fingers is missing the possessive apostrophe and the passage where he finds his dead wife has the word 'slink' instead of silk (or is it slinky?) and a grey creature 'lat' instead of lay.
The scene at the end - the funeral - is very touching. He basically has nothing he values anymore, except perhaps himself, and I can see he's struggling to value even that. I like the way you included Mad-Eye's nose - or lack of it - ha ha. I think your portrayal of Mad-Eye is a particular highlight of the fic; he's very IC. I would have liked to see a bit more of Dumbledore's purple prose. He has a wonderful lyrical quality to his speech, which you hinted at, but didn't write. I think that's a shame because it would have provided a good contrast to the blunt Moody and taciturn Thatcher.
All in all, though, I thought this was a good story with a strong grasp of your character. Good luck for the challenge. ~Carole~
Thank you for being so honest. I knew that I should have spent more time on this thing. It doesnít make sense. Revision. I will get to it. Maybe I should do it tonight. Yeah, the car scene definitely will be deleted. You know why I that? I plugged in whatever came to my fingers. I never wrote completely all the way through without scrutinizing all the way through. I should have. I havenít written much recently, not that thatís even a viable excuse. I need to read over my stuff. Itís called proofreading. Do it. It saves lives. Thatcherís actually been in my head forever and a day. Since last summer, at least, so thatís all I can give to his being even the slightest fleshed out. Iíve glad thatís heís been revived. In fact, Iíve written another draft of this, and I lke it better because it explains the holes. I wish that I could exchange it, but that would mean that I missed the deadline. Iím an idiot; thatís the closest I ever get to complimenting myself, especially with regards to these drafts. In true writing, as Iíve learned, you go through drafts and drafts. Anyway, Iím glad that you liked the funeral scene. I donít know why Iím on this Catholic fix (Flannery OíConnor?), but it just ... it wonít go away. Itís funny. I do need to work on that relationship. In my head, and in a composition book, I have this draft of Dumbledore, Mad-Eye and Thatch sitting in a pub. Iíve probably bored you by now. See? I told you Iíve been working on this forever. Itís random. Itís so random, especially when Aberforth walks in. Dumbledoreís hard to write. JKRís to be commended for that alone. There needs to be more there. Well, Iíll clean this up and rework it. Thank you for your suggestions. You are good. Sorry it took so long to respond.