MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Reviews For Serve and Protect

Name: Hermoine Jean Granger (Signed) · Date: 06/30/10 12:19 · For: Chapter 1
Hello there!

This is a really interesting premise that you have explored in the story here. Harry’s personality traits were really brought out well, and I enjoyed the insurance agent job that Harry did in the latter half of the story - it really shows that he cares. The first half captures the scene of crime rather realistically, and you seem to have worked on the technical aspects quite a bit - something I appreciated a lot. Tracking Potions are an innovative idea, for sure.

Mr. Logan’s chat with Harry was the point in the story that I could connect to most, to be honest. Very realistic in its detail as well as the dialogue; the reactions of a devastated man and an Auror constantly fighting a mental conflict on whether the true reason for the tragedy should be made known have been done so well.

I feel that we could have gained a little more insight into Mr. Logan’s character, however. We see him in a state of shock, and then all of a sudden, in the next scene, he acts as though nothing has happened(at least, we don’t see anything to suggest otherwise). I feel that a little more of his emotions and reactions to the tragedy that befell his family would be more appropriate.

Harry, on the other hand, you’ve done a really good job with. I feel that Harry, after having been denied the truth about his parents’ deaths, was right in letting Mr. Logan the truth. It just seems so... Harry to me. I can connect to his dilemma, and was glad indeed that he delved into the issue without taking the easy way out and just lying. Also, Harry’s clear lack of comfort around Mr. Dobes, and his dislike for Apparation are things which struck a chord. I rarely find a very good characterisation of Harry in fan fiction, and feel I must commend you on the work that you’ve done here.

The flow seems to abruptly alter in the story, though. At first, it’s very fast-paced, with the action taking precedence over details, and then, during the chat that Harry and Mr. Logan had, there seems to be a lot more focus on the minutiae, and towards the end, the tone and pace are completely light-hearted and not at all like the previous two scenes. Since it is a one-shot we’re talking about, the changes in pace in the span of a few paragraphs were something that threw me out of my depth. I feel that a little more work on the change in pace and scene would have worked much better in the story.

I also noticed quite a few errors with respect to capitalisation and correct usage of canon terms - Muggle, Legilimency, Lumos, Apparation, just to name a few. I definitely feel that the story would be a much better piece if these grammatical errors didn’t take away from the story, and recommend that you maybe have this story looked at by a beta from the helpful Beta Forums of the site.

Author's Response: Thanks for such an in-depth review. It's rare and appreciated. I agree with your comments about the flow of the story. It does shift, rather quickly in some places I know. I've since had this story beta'd and my beta reader mentioned similar issues as well and even gave some suggestions to fix them. But I had some difficulty deciding how I would go about changing things and I've moved on to focus on other projects as well. As for the shift in tone in the last scene, it's a direct result of Mr. Logan's memory being wiped by Harry. If you look carefully at the end of the scene before this, you'll see that Harry uses the Obliviate spell on Mr. Logan because it is the only way to maintain the statute of secrecy. The grammar errors are cleaned up in the copy that my beta reader went through, but I have yet to upload that one to this site. I may do that soon. Thanks for reading and taking the time to review.

Name: Trucker (Signed) · Date: 05/21/10 21:13 · For: Chapter 1
A very touching story. While it's obvious that no amount of money can replace his family, I was pleased to see that Harry had edited in some good memories to lessen the survivor guilt that Logan would be suffering.

Now for one quibble--this sentence needs a minor edit: "Mr. Logan. I hope you’ll never have to seem again."

Author's Response: Glad you like the story. Thanks for catching that error for me. I'll be sure to fix it.

Name: msk8 (Signed) · Date: 05/20/10 20:49 · For: Chapter 1
very nice. Delicously bittersweet. At the end, he goes home, finds everything ruined, and then calls the "insuarance" right?

Name: nevilleherosnape (Signed) · Date: 05/20/10 12:53 · For: Chapter 1
Ouch. That was a muggle take I hadn't read anywhere else! Good story! We spend all our time in stories about wizards that it just stands to reason they would have a lot of dealings with muggles too!

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