Reviews For To Be Forgotten
Reviewer: hestiajones
Date: 09/05/10 3:28
Chapter: On This Rainy Day

Hello Nymphie!

I am shocked at how someone can rhyme for so many lines - I personally suck at rhymes (which is basically how I stick to free verse), but you've done this so well here.

I read this out loud, and it reads very nicely. However, there was a slight bump in the following parts:

That the others were right, and with you was where I should be.
I came to my senses rather quickly.


I think the first line is too long for the one that follows. Perhaps if you made a few alterations, for instance,

Saying that your parents had died,
I then proceeded to decide,
That the others were right, and with you was where I should be.
I came to my senses rather quickly.


Saying that your parents had died,
I then proceeded to decide
That the others were right, with you I should be;
I came to senses rather quickly.

This reduces the inconsistency in length and rhythm.

I had similar issues with the last stanza:

I wish we could be friends like old times,
And have fun instead of worry about the numerous crimes.


If you take out "the", then it would read more smoothly.

Another thing I noticed was an anomaly in the flow of thought. The last two lines of the second stanza:

I still yearn to touch your hair, red as fire,
All my attention, it seems to require.


This seems like an afterthought because Snape was mulling over their fallout in the previous lines. However, it matches perfectly with how the stanza starts; in the first two lines, he misses her eyes, and his missing her hair in the last two lines have a good interrelation. My suggestion for you would be to take the last two lines and have it beginning the stanza instead. It would then look like this:


I still yearn to touch your hair, red as fire,
All my attention, it seems to require.
Your beautiful green eyes, for which I pine to see,
The color of the old majestic evergreen tree.
But they cease to look at me, looking instead at the floor,
Because on that fateful day that my heart, in two I tore,
By calling you a name so horrid,
I broke a friendship that was torrid.

Finally, the last stanza:

I wish we could be friends like old times,
And have fun instead of worry about the numerous crimes.
Wishing never does anything, for I deserve what I have gotten,
For it hurts horribly to be forgotten.


Something seems to be missing here – something that would connect the two trains of thought. I personally feel your poem would end better with the last two lines as a couplet; it is dramatic in itself, and the whole poem has been about regret and a desire to return to old times, so ending it with his knowledge that his error cannot be undone would create a great effect. That said, the first two lines are a good summation of the entire poem, and the two contrasting thoughts also make a credible ending. Maybe, you can connect them better with a conjunction:

I wish we could be friends like old times,
And have fun instead of worry about numerous crimes.
But wishing never does anything, for I deserve what I have gotten,
For it hurts horribly to be forgotten.

The crit aside, I really liked this poem. I am no Sev/Lily shipper, but I enjoy reading canon-ish Sev/lily, as in Snape pining after Lily and pondering over his loss and mistakes. Your poem manages to portray his remorse and regret excellently; what’s more, it’s a delightful verse to read.

~Natalie.

Reviewer: DownWithTheCarrows113
Date: 05/22/10 23:27
Chapter: On This Rainy Day

I enjoyed it a lot and I love the rhyming! and congrats on this being your first published poem! :)

Enjoying your poem,
DownWithTheCarrows113

Author's Response: Thanks sooo much!!! I read it on mother's day to my relatives, who enjoyed them. Then I asked my really strict English teacher if she would give me her opinion on them, and when she told me she had enjoyed them, I decided to give it a try.

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