Reviews For To Be Second
Reviewer: Sapphire at Dawn
Date: 06/15/10 5:30
Chapter: One-Shot

I like the style of this fic. It really works and makes everything seem much more important and sort of emphasised. I especially liked the way you described Harry. That paragraph I thought was the best in the story. You did a very good job of capturing what Harry would represent to others. However, I think that five years is a bit too short a time for him to have risen to Department Head. Being the leader of all that would take more than just going out and fighting bad guys; he’d need exceptional organisational, strategic, communication and leadership skills, as well as a very sound knowledge of the Department and I just don’t think he’d be able to do that at only twenty two. There is a reason why Department Heads are generally older.

I quite like your character, though at first she seemed to come across as a Mary-Sue. You should try not to start a story with a description of your character, especially if she’s a beautiful one. It’s perfectly fine to have a good-looking character (after all, there are good-looking people in real life), but it begins to veer into Mary-Sue territory when the good looks become the focus of the character and are emphasised like that. It really does put people off. What redeemed her for me were the final two paragraphs. There, her characterisation really shone through for me and sort of rounded her off. It would have been great to see more of her because I think she had potential.

But overall, a nice one shot. It’s slightly short, but what’s there is written well.

Author's Response: Thank you very much. I wanted to make it longer, but I couldn't really think of anything more to say. I'm actually quite surprised that it manged to get to this length. You have a really good point with the Mary-Sue-ishness. I'll try to avoid that a bit better in future writing. I might write more about this character in the future, because I tink she is the best character I've written. Thank you very much for the reveiw!!! (I love it when people reveiw! :D)(and thanks for doing the Gryffindor reveiw circle! :D)

Reviewer: Kaiserin
Date: 05/18/10 22:28
Chapter: One-Shot

Very nice piece of writing indeed!!

I shuddered a little because the Minister's thirst for power, reminded me slightly of a certain toad-faced lady...

I think you were able to portray with impeccable skill and down to a T, the way the wizarding world feels about Harry!!

The description of his "aged" eyes was quite endearing as well. Very suitable and masterfully used to convey so much of Harry's story and personality in them. Smart writer, you should give yourself a cookie for that! Specially taking into consideration that Harry's striking green eyes played an important part in canon.

I enjoyed reading it very much!! Good work!! ^_^

Author's Response: Thank you! I've always been fascinated with eyes and the saying "The eyes are the windows to the soul", and since I've always really liked Harry's eyes, I felt the need to write about them.

Reviewer: Ravenclaws Noble Heir
Date: 05/18/10 20:27
Chapter: One-Shot

You have placed harry in the light im sure jk meant to have him in. as he is indeed all that you decribed n more :)
a wonderful chapter well written & it captures the reader.


Author's Response: Thank you so much!!!

Reviewer: hermionegm
Date: 05/18/10 8:06
Chapter: One-Shot

This is a very well written one-shot.. I hope to read bigger stories from you. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thank you!!!!!!!!! I am writing a bigger story right now and am going to resubmit the prologue soon!

You must login (register) to review.
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.

We have stories and authors in this archive.


Choose Theme:
Not From Others by FloreatCastellum 6th-7th Years
She may not have been able to join Harry, Ron and Hermione, but Ginny refuses...
A Seer Named Rosemary Snape by PlutoLovegood 1st-2nd Years
In 2018 Neville and Harry deliver a Hogwarts acceptance letter to Rosemary Snape...
Gelido Dormitabis (An Icy Slumber) by Nagini Riddle 3rd-5th Years
A poetic look at the oppressive sleep of the Inferi within the icy cave.Written...
A Christmas Choice by coolh5000 3rd-5th Years
After working late one Christmas Eve and missing yet another day out with his...
Winter at the Castle by Oregonian 1st-2nd Years
The winter solstice, the shortest, harshest days of the year. Would you have...
A Passing Fancy by HalfASlug 1st-2nd Years
The Yule Ball is on the horizon and Neville knows only one girl that he wants...
Four Christmases by Squibstress 6th-7th Years
Minerva attempts to teach Severus Occlumency and perhaps something more.