MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
04/24/12 17:13 · For:
The ending was cliche, but that's my only complaint very good detail and real life characterization.
Name: Nitwit Blubber Oddment Tweak x
(Signed) · Date:
08/09/10 18:41 · For:
Okay, my review got chopped in half, so I deleted it, and I'm now posting the (hopefully) full review with crossed fingers ;)
Hi Sarah! You're the Featured Author this month, so I'm here to leave you a review for your fab fic!
All right, not to start the review critically or anything, but in the opening paragraph, there is an immediate Americanism; the use of the word 'sidewalk'. I'm normally not a fierce Brit-picker, as I'm not even British, but as this is such an obvious Americanism, I confess it threw me off a bit. Nothing terribly distressing, of course, but something that is so simple to fix, I thought I'd mention it.
Now, I really love the use of second person narrative in this fic. I have a penchant for second person as it is, as I think it's a really interesting way of writing and is a different way of exploring a character's point of view, but I think you really did handle it well. It was particularly effective for the tone of this fic; it allowed you enough room to truly feel Tonk's emotions without going as far as first person narrative. However, I don't think you quite avoided the repetition of you/your at the beginning of sentences, which can often happen when you're writing in second person, as you're a bit limited in your word choice. I'd recommend giving the fic a quick look-over, and seeing are there occasions where you could insert a bit of variety, and perhaps start sentences in a different way.
I admit, I did find it sort of off to imagine that Tonks would think Remus is perfect. Although Tonks' love for Remus was deep, I'm not sure if she would have considered him to be perfect, especially in the particular mood she was in, and considering the fact that they weren't technically 'an item' at that moment in time - you'd already explained that Remus had expressed feelings of reluctance. Not that there's anything wrong with Tonks thinking he's perfect, but few people see their significant others as 'perfect'; they just love them, flaws and all.
Oh, another quick Brit-pick: 'walkway' is also an American term. This should be replaced with 'pavement' or 'path'.
You also have a typo, so I thought I'd briefly point it out - Muggle's - should be Muggles.
I'm not entirely convinced about the way you wrote Tonks' depression -is it exaggerated, almost? Not exactly OTT, per se, but off… she's more melancholy than how I picture her. Is that it? She seems more Romeo-and-Juliet tragic, rather than a deep-rooted misery. I'm not sure. She appeared to be a bit more... self-pitying, as opposed to flat-out depressed, which is how she appears in the books around this time.
I'm not quite sure of the phrasing in this sentence; 'you pick your feet back up.' Can you in fact pick up your feet? Should this perhaps be lift your feet off the ground?
I absolutely love this line, it's really very beautiful and simple - 'giving the night what the sun gives during the day.'
Another element of the fic that I thought you handled well was Tonks' confusion - the choppy, constantly switching train of thought really added to the overall befuddled tone of the fic, really emphasising Tonks' conflict and dilemma. Well done.
On the whole, your sentence structure was great, but on occasions it was bit too short, and sort of messed up the rhythm and tone. Rather than having them during transitions between thoughts, which would have added to the theme, you interposed them suddenly in paragraphs where there were long sentences of description and emotions. Normally, this variety of sentence length would work, but for me anyway, it sort of threw off the feeling of the fic. They were unnecessarily abrupt and uneven, if you get me, and there were plenty of incidents where you could combine one or two of the shorter sentences to improve the flow. But that's probably just my personal preference.
The idea of the whole 'he loves me, he loves me not' is a great concept, and I think it really tied in with the theme of the piece - the uncertainty, the confusion, and the desperate attempt to return to a much simpler way of making decisions. The way you interjected that mantra between the description and dialogue was a fab tool in really setting the mood. I think it was an interesting touch.
I really loved the ending - very sweet, very poignant, and altogether a very good ending. This isn't a nit-pick so much as a personal preference again, but perhaps it could possibly be even more effective as 'He loves you.' in italics? Just to tie in more with the second person narrative. But it's very well-written just the way it's written.
Overall, Sarah, this was a really good one-shot, and I enjoyed reading it immensely. Keep up the good work! I hope you don't mind my criticisms too much :)
Author's Response: Wow, Emma thank you so much for this great review! And sorry for taking so long to get back to you!
You're critique was very helpful, especially as this was my first second person fic. I wasn't fully convinced I had pulled it off right, and I see now what was wrong; the constant "you" at the beginning of sentances. Thanks also for pointing out the character flaws, I think I really just wanted the fic to come off as tragic, and didn't take into consideration and that that's not really how Tonks felt. However, I do like the thoughts and emotions I have put in Tonks, I do agree that she's not the canon "flat-out depressed" as you mention.
I didn't even know that sidewalk was such an Americanism! That's getting changed right now, thank you for pointing it out!
Thank you so much for all of your critique, I love seeing when someone puts so much thought into my work, it's really touching! :) I'm glad you liked it, and no I definitely I did not mind your criticism as all!
(Signed) · Date:
07/25/10 18:04 · For:
I love this! The second person combined with the fact that it shows a lot of insight into Tonks's thoughts just adds to the whole feel of it. I love Remus/Tonks, and this story is awesome!
Name: Nymphie THE Original
(Signed) · Date:
05/22/10 22:14 · For:
Won. Der. Ful. Oh my Potter, this is great!!!!! Remus/Tonks is one of my favorite pairings, right next to Lily/James and Teddy/Victore.... Awesome!!
(Signed) · Date:
05/21/10 9:10 · For:
A lovely little piece... but with a few minor problems. I'm going to go out on a limb and state that you probably wrote it in third person at first and then changed it to second person... otherwise I don't think you'd have a sentence like this slip through:
You wonder if you really loves you.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it. It's actually my first time writing second person, and no I did not write it in third person at first. That little mistake managed to get past mine and my beta's eye! Thanks for pointing it out though, I've changed it in the story :)