MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: ron lover
(Signed) · Date:
07/29/10 22:29 · For:
Chapter 1: Open Arms
Let me start with the nit-picks. :)
Aiden had not noticed this man; he looked up from his paper, shocked. He must have just steped out of the shower because his hair was wet. He was dressed in a pullover sweater and faded trousers. A rucksack lay at his feet. He was unshaven, but he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. His hair was wet and combed back, like he just stepped out of the shower. Dora’s fingers brushed the back of his neck and straightened his damp collar. A steaming teacup lay by his hand. He flipped through a publication and sealed a roll of parchment.
You have something about "like he just got out of the shower" twice in that paragraph. I'd get rid of one. As I was reading the paragraph and I got to the second "shower" part it felt like I was reading part of the paragraph over again.
“Not many,” She walked over to the stove and turned off the burner.
You need a lower case 's' in 'she'. There isn't a dialogue tag after "not many".
And I could be wrong here, but weren't there only two female Death Eaters, Bella and one of the Carrows? Is that right? I forget at the moment, but when I read that she was a DE I thought it was wrong.
I'm done with nit-picks now.
He admired their cause, really, he did, and he understood they needed more people on the inside for protection. He just didn’t know if he was ready.
I love those lines. I think that is exactly what would go through the mind of someone presented with the option of joining the Order.
He noticed the editions were sporadic and dated, so perhaps she snatched papers out of bins or pubs.
I like that line too because subtle stuff like that shows that he's an Auror. An observation like that is what makes the character work. (I'm watching Project Runway. ;) )
As I was nearing the end of the story, I was starting to wonder what the plot was. Nothing was really going on that kept me there, you know what I mean? The conversation between Dora and Aiden revealed some stuff, but it didn't really go anywhere. But when he said that he would join, things changed. Knowing that his life was about to become more dangerous, the last few paragraphs became more interesting.
There was a grave satisfaction in his eyes.
I think that is my favorite line in the story. Remus is happy that someone else is going to join and fight, but at the same time, he's going to play an even bigger part in a war so he is risking more. I think you conveyed those emotions very well.
This is a lot better than the first draft, and it was easier to understand. Good job with that!