MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: ronnie_weasley0705 (Signed) · Date: 09/25/16 12:45 · For: Chapter 1

Name: grangergirl35 (Signed) · Date: 03/08/11 22:28 · For: Chapter 1
Holy crap Tom is creepy . . . We already knew that but torturing small animals on valentines day? Yikesssss

Name: Vorona (Signed) · Date: 12/04/10 21:02 · For: Chapter 1
I haven't read a lot of stories featuring Tom Riddle during his school days, so this was a nice departure for me. I also mostly read Dark/Angst, with an occasional romance or general story here and there. I really liked the light hearted tone of this one. It was everything I'd expect for Tom Riddle on Valentine's Day. From the title, I was expecting something kind of ludicrous, like a prank or other loud and ridiculous moment, and I was surprised and relieved that there wasn't one. I think stories that go too far in that direction can become clichéd or unbelievable.

What I liked most about the story was the characterization. I thought that you portrayed young Tom exceptionally well. I especially liked his internal voice as well as the way his actions do not conform to his actual thoughts. In particular, his conversation with Headmaster Dippet was spot on. I loved how he seems to agree with Dippet and even agree to have fun on Valentine's Day when we, the readers, know he hates the day. I also liked a lot of the little touches you added, like making two of the walk-on characters be Rose and Scorpius. And the foreshadowing about the unicorn blood was chilling, as was what he actually did with the unicorn. It really highlighted his cruel and calculating nature. The emphasis on books and success was also very characteristic of Tom, and I'm glad you included it. Finally, the overall language and the prose really fit well with the story. It definitely sounded exactly how I would imagine Tom to sound. There were a few hiccups, like comma splices, but overall, I found it natural and easy to read.

I think the weakest element of this story is the plot. The plot is organized well enough (chronologically), but not much happens in it, which I guess makes sense since it's just one day, and not an important one at that. Further, though, the last line makes me think that maybe he doesn't hate Valentine's Day, which undermines both the title and a lot of the set-up you have for the story. On the other hand, the surprisingly sinister appearances of Dumbledore really enhanced the story. I think it could have been even stronger if you could work that more into the rest of the story, and give Tom a reason to really hate Valentine's Day. Another issue I had was that although it made Tom scarier to see him using the Cruciatus Curse on innocent squirrels and trapping the unicorn, I felt that some of that scene came across as a little too exaggerated. It fits that he'd use torture as a solace from the pink fluff that is Valentine's Day, but at the same time, I think there was just too much of it to be fully believable. It felt somewhat cartoonish to me. Even for a humor story, that made it fall a little flat, since it wasn't believable.

Overall, though, this was a very pleasant read. I enjoyed all the winks and nods -- so similar to what Rowling does with her references to mythology and herbalism. The tone carried the story through Tom's day remarkably well, and gave a kind of light touch to a dark character, without, for the most part, overdoing it. The little touches and Tom's characterization really shine through. So many humor fics seem to need to alter the characters to make them work, and yours didn't. Brilliant work!

Name: luinrina (Signed) · Date: 11/14/10 3:03 · For: Chapter 1
This was a nice read, Aida. I’m usually not a big fan of humour stories as they are mostly out-of-character parodies, but this was a good story to find in the humour category.

However, I don’t think it was really humorous. I think that Tom Riddle would have acted like you described him. So I doubt that it was unusual – and thus funny – behaviour for him. I would therefore have chosen a different category to submit it to, like General for example. Certainly, there are funny moments, like the scene at the end where the Slytherins sort through Tom’s presents, but the overall tone of the story was rather subdued.

I really liked that you kept Tom so in-character. We see how he can easily manipulate teachers and girls alike (for example, when Dumbledore catches him on his return from the Forbidden Forest; that was a great answer by Tom), lying to them with the airiness that is so typical for Tom Riddle. He is aware of his looks and charm he has on all girls, whether they be Gryffindors or Muggle-borns. You wonderfully showed the ridiculousness girls succumb to when handing over their love confessions and presents and Tom’s rather cool attitude towards all this. And that attitude gave the story its atmosphere: matter-of-fact. Like I said above, with Tom not being romantic but determined to reach his goals, no matter what, the way you showed him deal with Valentine’s Day presents is most likely what he would have done every year. I also liked that he went into the Forbidden Forest to relax so to speak, and my heart hurt at the torture scenes you showed, especially with the unicorn. But this is so in-character for him, the cruelty. Even though I sometimes am cruel to my characters when writing and laugh at it from a neutral point of view, I know that the actual written scenes are anything but funny. Violence is no humour. It is dark.

So in short: The overall story isn’t funny. Only small scenes within, like the stacks of presents arriving at breakfast, or the singing teddy bear. But those are small funny moments in a rather dark and matter-of-fact atmosphere. I doubt that warrants the story to be submitted to humour.

I also noticed two small mistakes in dialogue punctuation. In the sentence "Crucio" he snarled through clenched teeth after it. you missed a comma – besides, incantations should be italicised – and with the sentence "Oh Tom, I love you so much," The boys howled with laughter. the comma should be a full stop as the following narration is not speech-indicating.

Overall, I liked the story as it was a very correct portrayal of Tom Riddle in my opinion. I liked the flow of narration and the dialogue exchanges. Keep it up like this – only next time, you should make a better choice to which category to submit.

Name: RowlingLover (Signed) · Date: 09/19/10 22:11 · For: Chapter 1
Great story. I'm submitting it to the Quick Quills contest.

Name: GreybacksEnemy (Signed) · Date: 06/17/10 14:13 · For: Chapter 1
I love the sadistic, evil side of Tom. (Kinda reminds me of Light from Death Note, actually. You know, the kind of person who has the creeper persona.) You did a fantastic job writing that!

Ah, the boy's a heartbreaker. xD Excellent work, it was adorable!

Name: ilydraco (Signed) · Date: 05/22/10 22:13 · For: Chapter 1
I don't want to be mean but this wasn't so funny. I enjoyed it but I don't think it should be in this category .

Name: LunaLovewell (Signed) · Date: 03/29/10 21:50 · For: Chapter 1
Hahaha, that's funny, I wish you included more of what the valentines said, that would be interesting.

Name: Ks11234rofl (Signed) · Date: 03/28/10 21:21 · For: Chapter 1
Lol that was a funny story

Name: armagod679 (Signed) · Date: 03/24/10 17:24 · For: Chapter 1
Sorry, didn't see Blackadder. I thought this was a very funny story, and you stuck with Tom Riddle's character better than anyone else I've seen. Good job!

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