Reviewer: adeebee10
Date: 05/14/10 23:32
Chapter: Chapter 1

You did a really good job summarizing their childhood lives! That's how I imagined them to be, except Peter. But I think your idea of Peter's childhood was really good. It makes sense. I liked it! :)

Reviewer: MerrryD
Date: 05/14/10 16:10
Chapter: Chapter 1

So I’m a bit divided as far as your beginning goes. On one hand, I like it. I like how you clearly defined the differences between the boys and how you shaped them to be what we know of them. But at the same time, I feel like you spent too much time telling us what the boys were like. Surely, through a series of scenes, you could have showed us this same information?

I really, really liked how you developed Peter. It makes a lot of sense—the desire for grandeur and the false sense of bravery as undertones for the qualities that form his friendship with James, Sirius, and Remus, as well as being the ones that define him later in life.

A lot of your dialogue feels forced. I know it’s hard, but try to imagine yourself in that moment, as that character: what would you say? Also, your scenes feel rushed. I don’t think that Sirius would just attack Remus out of nowhere like that. Maybe he would start making fun of him if Remus had ignored him repeatedly or something. And James and Sirius’s friendship seems too well-developed to only be a day old. I think that in this point, they’d still be treading lightly around each other, not wanting to make the other one mad, because they want friends.

I do really like the internal battle of Sirius versus his blood. I like how he’s not just the opposite of them with no questions. But, again, I feel like this was forced and rushed on us, the readers. The scene, his thoughts in particular, don’t feel real. You captured his emotions really well, though.

Overall, I like this chapter. You have some wonderful ideas, a great imagination, and you write well. I just wished you had slowed down a little and let things happen naturally. I understand that you have somewhere you want to go with each chapter, but if you force it on the chapter than it’s going to come out like that.

Good luck!

Author's Response: Wow. Thanks for such an in-depth review. Obviously I'm a little farther in the story now, so I don't know if other chapters are better, but I will look into my diologue, which I know is my weak point. I've always tried to stay away from "what would I say", because I always felt like that was me projecting myself on the character and not letting them be them, but maybe that would work better than what I'm currently doing. I actually originally intended for the story to just be from James' POV, and that first section was what I had written, but I didn't expand on for the longest time. Then I decided I wanted to do it with all four of the boys, and I loved that beginning too much to change it, so I wrote up one for the other three. I like still like it, but I do understand what you're saying. I don't want to pressure you or anything, but if you get the time and want to, I would love it if you read and reviewed the rest of the story, because I love it when reviewers read the whole story and comment along the way. It usually helps more than a one time review, because sometimes a chapter is good, and sometimes another chapter isn't so good, and it's nice to have a few consistent people commenting on where the story is going, as opposed to random, new people each chapter.

Reviewer: twaz
Date: 03/23/10 23:00
Chapter: Chapter 1

Good Job! I like your style of writing; it flows easily and its fun to read. I can't wait to read more!

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