Reviewer: Maple_and_PheonixFeather
Date: 11/16/12 0:55
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hello!

It’s weird, slash is not something I usually read, but today, when I found myself in need of a fic to read, I remembered this one and thought, yes, this one will be a good one.

I think that the reason that this is something I was willing to reread is that it isn’t really a slash fic for the sake of being sake of being a slash fic, rather, I feel like it is an investigation into the feelings of characters, and the struggles they face in coming to terms with what they are feeling, so even though I may not connect to the exact situation, I can connect on a level where I have struggled to accept something about myself.

I loved your use of second person in this fic. Often times, second person can overbearing and quite cloying, as you don’t want to be told what you are supposed to be feeling all the time. I don’t think this is the case in this fic at all. I was really able to forget about it and feel my way through the story, and I think that this is why it makes this a slash story I’m not totally uncomfortable reading “ there are moments where I am just swept away and can forget who the characters are, and this made me really get in the groove of the story and just take it as it goes. It really added a great sense of reality for the reader, as everything was really described how one would see and feel things.

I found your characterisation of Peter to be so believable. It is so easy to make Peter the uncool awkward one, but instead, you make him someone a little bit more interesting and someone who you can understand. How you write him really makes his actions later in life believable. For example, in the beginning, he talks about wanting to be on top just for once. For me, this just rang so true for Peter, as I think that one reason he joined the Death Eaters in the first place was because he wanted to be the best of his friends, the one who was seen as superior to others, and he was willing to risk his friends for that, just like he risked Sirius’ immediate safety in this story.

I loved how you added little moments of relief throughout the story. For example, when you have the whole “Mr. White” exchange, the tension from the previous few paragraphs diffuses a bit. We are able to release some of the tension we have gained from Sirius’ cranky response, and we can breathe again. I thought this scene was very effectively used, and not just used for a brief laugh.

I love how you really tapped into the feelings of young teenagers. I think, that for the most part, all fifteen year olds want to do is fit in. Like Remus says, you can only rebel and be different for so long, eventually, you are going to just want to blend into the crowd and hide for a bit. I think Sirius expresses this perfectly when he says that he is “sick of being wrong”. I love getting the chance to Sirius without any of the facades he puts on. For this one moment, he is vulnerable and he is honest, and it is just so resonant with the reader that we really feel for him, not only on the level of being the odd one out in his family, but as a young teenager, something we can really connect with.

I think that the most touching moment for me was the moment when Peter talks to Sirius. Everything that Remus talked about felt so real, and really, who would know what it is like to have such a huge secret that you feel could crush you than Remus. He just felt so wise and like such an old soul, something I’ve always personally loved about adult Remus. This scene really made me smile and nodding, because I just felt like Remus had it and that he articulated it perfectly.

Overall, I found this fic to be very refreshing. There is a lot of deviation from Marauder Era clichés, which is great. I think that what is really great is that you took the two Marauders that never did get married and put them together. By doing this, you have made it so much more believable. And really, when you think about it, this could totally have happened, and Sirius’ reaction to Peter in PoA actually makes sense if this were the real story, because overall, the feeling you really get from Sirius is betrayal, and having your first love do what Peter did would truly be a betrayal of epic proportions.

Overall, I did really enjoy this fic, especially in terms of characterisation.

Maple

Reviewer: The_lighter_darkness
Date: 06/27/11 16:39
Chapter: Chapter 1

That's really sweet, an interesting idea really...never thought of the Sirius/Peter angle before. It could of been really cliched but you wrote it really well :)

Reviewer: welshdevondragon
Date: 03/22/11 14:51
Chapter: Chapter 1

I've been meaning to read this for ages and am so glad I finally got round to it. The second person surprised me slightly, but it worked really well. It was very realistic, not happening too fast, but happening with just the right amount of awkwardness and discomfort. Peter is really well done, I like his characterisation of Sirius, and James. Also Remus was just the voice of reason which Peter needed, which was really sweet. Anyway, lovely story, really well written and well deserving of the award!
Alex

Reviewer: SingingWren
Date: 12/19/10 10:24
Chapter: Chapter 1

Oh, wow. That was... that was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Nothing wrong with this story. Nothing at all.

I loved your use of the second person, it really enhanced the atmosphere of the whole piece. It felt immediate and real. Your characterization was excellent. I love reading about Peter, he's just such a great untapped resource for exploration. And you made me absolutely believe that this could have happened. It didn't seem out of canon or forced.

"But the only noise is his soft, slow breaths, combatting the sounds coming from the common room."

It was sentences like these, with such lovely description, that really set this story apart for me. But it didn't sound like you were trying to hard. In fact, I barely noticed how lovely it was until the end, because I was so engrossed in the story that I forgot I was reading. That's the best type of story.

I don't know what else to say, except I really, really loved it. Keep it up!

- Signed the Order of the Ravenclaw House Elves

Reviewer: jenny b
Date: 09/12/10 8:40
Chapter: Chapter 1

I should probably start off by saying that I didn’t really notice what I was going to be reading when I chose this fic. It’s getting late and I’m a bit tired/distracted, so I skipped the summary and only clicked on this story because I recognised the title from the QSQ nominations. And being the clever person I am, I barely even paid attention to the title so once I realised it was Sirius/Peter I was quite surprised. I can’t recall ever reading a Sirius/Peter fic before – or any Marauder/Peter, really. The others are always paired off, but I think people forget about Peter because in the books you don’t really see much of his character before he turned his friends away and became a Death Eater. But I think in this you’ve really developed him well – you can see why the Marauders were his friend, but at the same time you can see why he pushed them away in the end.

I absolutely adore fics that are written in the second person. I don’t have much experience with writing it, but they always make for great reads, especially when it’s so well done that you can get caught up in the story without stopping to read every single ‘you’. It always puts the reader in an interesting position, and makes the story so much more intimate, which really works in this fic. You really get to know Peter’s thoughts and feelings, which I love.

You’ve done so well at capturing the innocence of the boys as young teenagers. I remember being fifteen and hormonal (heck, I’m still seventeen and hormonal) and I absolutely love all the subtle details you put in to show just how much Peter likes Sirius without saying it outright, because of course Peter doesn’t want to admit it. The recurring thought of how Sirius prefers James to Peter (and I think he’s spot on, there) is perfect, and so are the couple of instances where you show just how easily it is for Sirius to persuade Peter to do things – like who will get off the chair first, and whether or not Peter should go to Herbology.

Their confessions when out on the grass were very well-written. It was so very realistic, with how embarrassed they were to admit that – shock horror – they might have feelings for someone of the same sex. It’s the questioning that I think every teenager on the planet goes through, and you conveyed it so well with how hesitant they were to talk to each other about it, and how nervous Peter is when he lies so close to Sirius. That part stuck out to me a little, though, when Peter says how he has never been so close to anyone in his life. The Marauders seem quite close, and I would have thought they would hug occasionally or lean against each other or whatever. It just seems a little odd that Peter would have never been so close to anyone before.

Remus’ small part in this was great. I like how Peter’s first thought isn’t about himself, but about how pale Remus is and why he isn’t in the Hospital Wing. It very subtly shows the Gryffindor tendencies he has. And Remus is so very accepting of what Peter says, which I really liked. It was so different to Sirius’ reaction – it would have been nice to see James’ as well, but it wouldn’t have really fit into this fic. I do like how you believably left James out of the picture, by the way. Him and Sirius being so close tends to complicate things sometimes, but you left the focus on Peter and Sirius in such a way that I didn’t even take notice of James not being there until I began to write this. But where was I? Remus. You characterised him really well: thoughtful and accepting but still with that small quirkiness that makes him one of my favourite characters.

Also, one thing I picked up: Peter calls Sirius Padfoot, but I don’t think Sirius once calls him Wormtail. Was this intentional, or did you just forget?

It was a great read, Emma. I’m so glad I assigned myself as your SPEW Buddy! ;)

--Jennifer

Reviewer: Simply Being
Date: 08/30/10 18:17
Chapter: Chapter 1

This is me telling you that I will drop by again soon to leave you a proper review :-) But for now, this story was excellent! I love the different perspective on Peter's character (also indicated by nice use of the second person). You allowed Peter to be mentally equal to Sirius here, despite that he was well known for not being the social or physical equal of the other Marauders. This is a great example of a character shown in a different light while maintaining a strong sense of realism. The only weakness that comes to mind is that I would have liked to see a bit more conflict between the two, as I'm sure confessing their desires for each other couldn't have been easy. Otherwise, fantastic!

Reviewer: Vorona
Date: 08/13/10 2:23
Chapter: Chapter 1

First of all, I want to say that I find Peter stories, in general, to be really interesting. He's one of those characters in fan fiction that seem to be overlooked, and although I tend not to write many with him either, I always like reading stories about him. I like this glimpse of him because we see so much of who he becomes, and yet, he's still his own person in a way that future Peter kind of loses. I'm also always intrigued by the second person. I've tried writing in second person before, and it was pretty abysmal, but then again, I think it might be easier in a fan fiction, where the reader already has an idea of who the character is.

Writing in second person was a risky move, but you pulled it off wonderfully! In particular, the opening scene where he's watching Sirius nearly fall is perfect. There's this odd mix of camaraderie and competition. When Sirius does fall, the line "Sirius is momentarily mortified; you are momentarily victorious" is perfect. The use of the second person really highlights the feeling that maybe Peter wants others to know how he feels, or that perhaps he's on stage and is appealing to the emotions he feels everyone would have in that situation. It works really well to highlight Peter's need for others' approval that gets him into Voldemort's group. In fact, overall, I think that Peter's characterization is one of the best things you did with this story. He's so complex, and you can see how he not only wants to see Sirius fall, but his desire to be more important than James in Sirius' eyes. And how he seems to lack willpower because of Sirius' strong personality is another nice hint to his inability to stand up to Voldemort.

The homoerotic feelings that Peter experiences are also very interesting in second person, especially as a girl (me) who's pretending to be a guy close to another guy for the first time. I thought you did that really well -- I could really relate to it, even though that can never happen. Part of it has to do with having read a lot, but I think the use of the second person really helps that.

I didn't have a lot of problems reading this. The line after Peter realizes he wanted to snog Sirius seemed a little out of place. I'm not sure he'd refer to himself as "bumbling, worshipping Peter Pettigrew", at least not at that point in time. Maybe "bumbling" but not "worshipping". The only other thing that really stood out to me is that you accidentally used "me" instead of "you" in the scene where Sirius finally comes back to talk to Peter: "Sirius snaps the door closed and shuffles awkwardly towards me." It jarred me the first time I read it, but I'll admit that it took me forever to find it again for this review.

Overall, this was a great look at a very complex and confusing situation. A part of me keeps thinking that Sirius probably did not continue his relationship with Peter, instead continuing his obsession with James (also very well developed throughout the story), which is why Peter ended up wanting to take James down. I keep thinking "What if Sirius had just stayed with Peter . . . " and yet, this is a fan fiction story, not even canon. Great job!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for leaving such a fabulous review :]

I share your interest in Peter-centred stories, as I do think he's a neglected in fan-fiction, or characterised poorly as he's not there as a major focus in the story. I'm slightly obsessed with second person narrative, and I did try writing parts of this fic in first and third person, but it just didn't work for me. But I'm glad you liked it :)

I'm so happy that you liked Peter's characterisation. It was my first time writing his character, and as you said, it's complex, and there are so many clichs surrounding Peter. I didn't want to turn him into cheese-eating, robe-wetting teenage boy, and neither did I want him to be this overly-confident, incredibly witty person. He possibly has elements of each side, but he's a curious mix of several characteristics, and I desperately wanted to get the balance right.

You see, I think Peter was all too aware of how he was seen by other people - not how he sees himself, though I think his insecurities allowed him to be painfully aware and critical of his faults - and compared to Sirius, I think he definitely had this inferiority complex. Though I do see where you're coming from, Vorona. Oh, thanks for pointing out that slip! I shall fix it there.

Yes, I actually don't see them continuing the relationship either for longer than a couple of weeks, months at the most. They're too conflicting, too different, and too destined for failure. Which is perhaps why I like them so much in this :)

Thanks again for such an amazing review! It's much appreciated.

--Emma

Reviewer: ProfPosky
Date: 03/25/10 13:06
Chapter: Chapter 1

I loved this!
Sorry, I've tried to write you more than this, but Carole really said it all.

I fully support this ship because I am positive Sirius was hot for James, but, being a hormone driven teenager, would have settled for Peter in the meantime.

Now, twistie twistie if you are willing to go AU - what if this love blossoms, has an ennobling affect on Peter, and keeps him out of Voldemort's clutches....

Or what if Peter succumbed because, originally, he somehow thought he was protecting Sirius?

See, you made me think! Good on you!

Author's Response: Oooh, wow, thank you! Wahey, another deluded - I mean dedicated - follower :P

Hooray for making people think! That's always a good thing :D

Thanks for your lovely review - I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this fic (:

Reviewer: armagod679
Date: 03/24/10 17:34
Chapter: Chapter 1

The emotions are well-written, and you've actually managed to pull off second-person perspective, which is incredibly difficult to do. A good job all around.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your lovely review - I'm glad you enjoyed the fic! :)

Reviewer: Equinox Chick
Date: 03/24/10 14:41
Chapter: Chapter 1

Ah ha - *rolls up sleeves* I've been waiting for this ...

Okay, despite the fact that I'm not keen on second person, and I REFUSE to believe that Sirius!SexGod is gay (because he's my man), I thought this was excellent. Honestly, you really pulled this off. The second person worked incredibly well and helped show the characterisation of Peter and also Sirius.

I adored the beginning - the way Peter wanted Sirius to fall off the chair because he so wanted Sirius to look a prat. Brilliant characterisation there. You got totally to the heart of Peter - in my opinion.

On the whole, I think you made a very plausible case for the both of them being gay (DAMN YOU! Sirius is NOT Gay) - especially with it being Sirius' way of NOT rebelling is to date as many girls as possible. - ha ha.

I did, I have to admit, have a minor 'hmm' at him telling Remus so quickly that he'd tried to kiss Sirius, but Remus' reaction was so natural (and wise) that it didn't feel wrong at all. Remus was the one, I feel, that they turned to with problems. Remus' reaction - that he thought Sirius would be more interested in James was absolutely priceless, and I could see this developing furthur *pretty please*. Unrequited passion for James would be so so so so so so intriguing ... heh heh heh.

Minor nitpick *can't believe I'm saying this to my wonderful beta*

cracking his skill Should that be skull?

Finishing up ... Well done ... and well worth jumping on that slash wagon ... in fact ... Drive the wagon, Emma, my love.

~Carole~

Author's Response: Carole,
Thank you thank you thank you :)
Second person - I'm so happy that it worked, because I was completely against having it in 3rd person, and iffy with it being written in 1st. It didn't help that I saw a thread on the boards where everyone was saying "I hate 2nd person!" So that's great it worked out :)
Peter telling Remus - Don't worry, I know where you're coming from there completely. I was a bit hesitant at first too, and then I realised that the thing Peter wanted most at that time was comfort, reassurance, even a 'Snap out of it!' He needed an 'outsider' to give him some advice. *cue Remus the wise* ;)
Typo-Thing - Oooer, I shall go correct that there, haha. Cheers (:
Overall - Thank you so much for the absolutely lovely review! I'm glad you liked it :D

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Severus's Prince by DestinyMoonStar Professors
What does Severus Snape do when a one night stand turns into a baby boy? ...
The Youngest Death Eaters: Year III by DestinyMoonStar 6th-7th Years
Year 3 A year of hard choices and tough talks: Destiny learns about...
Allegiance by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 6th-7th Years
During his final year at Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy had few illusions about where...
FEATURED
The Pretender by littlebird Professors
She feels the familiar pang of disappointment that they've never been better...
A Light in the Gap by WeasleyMom 3rd-5th Years
When Harry woke that first morning in Grimmauld Place, he wondered if Ron and...
Tapestry by Equinox Chick 1st-2nd Years
As Walburga Black stitches, Sirius rebels. Two poems written about the infamous...
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 2 by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 1st-2nd Years
The Weird Sisters are back for an encore. Ten more tracks from your MNFF authors.
CATEGORIES