Aweh! *sniffle* I love it! When I discovered this after reading Dust in the Wind it was like a surprise gift! Very good job and did I say I love it :-)
Why thank you. After I had written Dust in the Wind, my reviewers demanded that I somehow vindicate Scorpius of being a cad and not worthy of Dom. This is how it came out.
Thank you for the review, and have a lovely day. :D
Great story, really enjoyed it. kutgw
This story is actually a expansion of my other story Dust in the Wind. If you'd like more details about the story in certain parts, reading that will provide them. It's not necessary, but it will add a bit more to the relationship between Scorpius and Dominique.
Thanks for reading and reviewing. ^.^
What would you say if I told you that that was the first next-gen fic I’ve ever read? Oh, and I loved it, by the way!
It read almost like a fairy tale, but the lovely happy ending. I’m not familiar with next-gen characters, but I thought the characterisation was very strong and that you gave every single one their own voice and personality. The story flowed easily, the dialogue was effortless. There were a few specific things I want to comment on:
“morphed into an ‘O’ of horror”
You want to be careful of using slight cliche’s like this. Especially as it already reads slightly like a classic love-story, just check that you aren’t using familiar phrases like this, but keeping it original.
“Whatever do you mean?”
In general, I loved the easy dialogue. This phrase, however, always sounds terribly old-fashioned, especially for next-gen kids.
“It has nothing to do with you. You’re great, and – “
This is one of my favourite lines. It just captured the character so well, and adds a lot of empathy to the scene. He could be any guy, saying this to any girl, and chances are we’ve all heard it before. One of the elements I enjoyed immensely was being able to relate the characters and situations so well.
“the ferocity of which grew as the hair got redder and redder. If that was the barometer for danger for him, then Lily was, by far, the largest threat to his personal safety at the moment."
That is such a lovely line! “Barometer for danger” is a great way of painting the scene. Your language is very good throughout without being over-descriptive or long-winded. I also loved the humour there!
“It broke his heart to break hers, but in the end, she deserved someone who was dedicated to her and only her, and that someone was not him.”
My heart broke for the poor guy when I read this. The tone is so sincere and lovely.
“Instead of joining the pack of girls trying to console Lily, Dominique instead crossed the common”
Just note that – you repeated “instead” twice. (hehe, always is Beta-mode)
“a large flock of female cousins.”
That image is too hilarious to even describe!
“What male could possibly not loathe being poked and prodded by an old madwoman like Madame Malkin? He himself had hated it since he was eleven, and he still did to that day; Scorpius was no different.”
While this is very very funny, why didn’t they go to that other robe-seller mentioned in HBP? The one Narcissa said they should go to instead?
“That weird uncle of yours,
Perfect characterisation! It’s odd how little things like that can make such a big difference.
“She had a brother about his size and many cousins who were bigger, not to mention a fearsome-looking father. Scorpius could barely count the ways that a man like Bill Weasley, who had a bloody fang in his ear, could make him pay for upsetting his daughter.”
It’s a long quote, but it deserves gushing over. So funny! I can only imagine how impressive Bill must look to other people, and you didn't even mention the scars.
“She was surprised when he led took to Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour”
Err...sorry what? lol
Still overcome with joy, Dominique sprinted out of the common room and to her new favorite place in the world – wherever Scorpius happened to be at the moment.
This was another stand-out line, though you did use American spelling in favourite hehe.
I might read more next-gen from now on. The story was sweet and well written.
Argh, I was going to leave a detailed response, but my brain is currently laughing at my expense.
I'm glad you liked the humourous bits (and yes, it's all in American English), because I wanted it to be a nice little love story without being overwhelmingly fluffy.
Thanks for pointing out the typos... I just hope that this hasn't been judged yet. :-
This story is based on Dust in the Wind, which is, IMO, better than this, so if you want more of the events surrounding this, read that one. It's about 5K, which isn't too bad. If you like this, you'll definitely like that. Most everyone else did.
Thanks for reading, and you really made my night!
Nice work!!! It was good to see Scorpious POV. But I still think he was an arse for getting information about Dom from his current girlfriend and cousin. He should have ended it much sonner.
BTW, it was a bit puzzling the non-talking thing between Astoria and Draco. Maybe we could have used and explanation for their bad relation, perhaps mingled in one of the explanations of Draco's thoughts about his son... which were highly enjoyable, if I may say so.
All in all, good work! A bit fluffy, but very good!! ^_^
Ah, a returnee!
Yeah, it is rather naughty of Scorpius to do what he did, but remember, he is 16 and in a very odd predicament. Most guys would probably do the wrong thing, or at least not the completely right thing. He may be gorgeous and a Malfoy, but he's still a teenager, who makes mistakes, just like the rest of us.
And about Astoria, to be honest, I really thought I'd run out of words to cram this into a one-shot, so I sort of glossed over it. In my brain universe, Astoria is a bit of a shrew, the polar opposite of Draco's quiet calm. Scorpius is much closer to his father than his mother. I meant to go back on that and add to it if I had extra words under the maximum, but truthfully, I kinda forgot, lol
Of course it's fluff, lol. It was meant to be. Most of my contest pieces end up that way (not sure why), but I've found some ways to move away from that. I did this due to overwhelming demand for a sequel; I just hope it was worth the wait.
Thank you for reviewing and have a great rest of the day!