Well, it's me, Annie. I'm chatting with you on AIM right this second ha ha.
I don't really like AU. I mean, I'll read it, but I don't search for it. What I do like, though, is an AU fic where one thing changes, which then changes everything else.
It did move a little to fast for my liking, and I think you could have fleshed out the whole Fred/Angelina concept before the rather abrupt ending. In saying that, though, I'll add that I did like the ending, but it was a bit "they had kids and lived happily ever after", if you know what I mean. A bit of George would have been nice, too, but maybe that's just because I've always secretly been a George fangirl, I reckon.
Well, I'm off to review your other fic now. Adios!
Author's Response: I completely agree with everything you have said. I wrote this fic -ages- ago, so I'm not very pleased with it right now. I often consider going back and rewriting it but I haven't got to it yet. Thanks for the review~ ~ Lise x :)
I tried again and your story just doesn't like me :(
You have the full review though, so I hope you liked it
Wow, Annalise, I’m so glad you told me you turned this into a one-shot! I had no idea, though a second look at your drabble thread made me kick myself for not checking back earlier!
I think a proper review is in order. The beginning was all new to me and I really enjoyed it! The first part with Fred during the Battle was tear jerking for me, actually! To know what really happens to Fred in the series makes my heart break every time. But you did a wonderful job at mending it
So, I just said that I wasn't going to review this for lack of time. I am taking a quick break, so I figure that I'll jam as much in here as possible, so you will probably sit and read this for a while. I hope you truly take the time to look at it, so that we can sit back and see what's going on with your writing. I hope, too, for your sake, that you are thick skinned.
I like that you have this ia a Fred death piece. Or George. No, Fred died and George survived. Anyway, I sound liike a confused Molly there, but I had a point. What was it? Oh, yes, the first line of your piece is admittedly rather weak. Fred runs and then he screams, 'Run'? That's not exactly presenting a powerful inage that I think you hope to convey. Perhaps you should have flipped through a thesaurus, at the very least, for it gives your writing another element.
You really do seem to lack detail in the piece, which is rather unfortunate because you have a nice idea. Detail and narration move a piece along quite nicely. You say a lot of things in one sentence; these should be explained further so that we can see your thought process. You are a beginning writer: we cannpot see whatever might be in your head, and that should be spilled onto the paper, especially in a fictional or narrative piece.
I'm rather surprised you have written so little, really. Like I said in a piece that got deleted, you don't need to jump around so much if you just take the effort to write whatever is in your head. We have no idea of how Fred feels or why he feels however he might feel at the moment.
When you say Fred is 'thinking over everything in the past' later on, it's quite a pity you don't explain what any of this is. You will, if this isn'y an obvious answer, increase your word cout and hook more readers with the smallest explanation.
It 'jumps' far too much for the reasons stated above. Your paragraph breaks are unneccessary; I don't know why people insist on making that move. If you look at good fiction writers (and there are way better ones than JKR), they simply continue the piece even though the scene changes. In any case, those marks of punctuation need to be centred. Well, thy usually are in formatting anyway.
Your weakness, grammatically, are commas. Think of them as caesura or pauses. Ask yourself this as you are writing: Where would I take a breath? I suggest you use the same technique with poetry. Your semi-colons are oddlyu placed, though I suppose you should get credit for placing thoe correctly. Read your pieces aloud.
I know this sounds like I'm picking on you. I am honest, and I make no apology for it. I would not have considerred the piece had the idea not caught my eye. You have potential with this idea. If you care in the slightest to follow through with a revision, I encourage you to do so.
Please consider this wiith an open mind. I'm trying to help you. Let me know your thoughts. Yes, I tend to be really honest in the early morning hours, so that's part of it. Let me know what you think. I hope this helps.
Author's Response: Thank you, Kuri, for your seamingly honest review. It helped a great deal. Lately, I have noticed that Iack detail in what I write And I am trying to find a way to write it down so that it seems appropriate and doesn't go on and on, boring the reader. That you can be so honest, a well as nice, is greatly appreciate and I thank you for it. Really. I know almost entirely what needs to be fixed and expanded upon. My writing can be greatly improved (and i'm talking 1000fold here) and without you, I wouldn't really know what was missing. I have taken all of our points into account and have decided to rewrite parts of this piece, if not the whole thing. For now, though, I have been reduced to using a mobile phone for all of my computing endevours so editing this story would be quite hard but as soon as I have my computer back, this is going to have a rethink. Thank you, once again, for your review. ~ Annalise x :)
Annalise! I loved this! I'd always wanted to read a 'what if Fred hadn't died' story. I liked this :) though still, I like George/Angelina better >.<
great job! :D I reaaaaally liked this :D
Author's Response: I'm glad you did, Ronnie :) xxxx ~ Annalise x :)