There's an otherworldly feeling to this poem, a parallel sense of detatchment and oneness with the natural world and the beings who inhabit it. You evoked the mood well with description. I enjoyed your turn of phrase "Morbid scent" in particular.
I did notice repetition of words like cold, biting, gentle, and wind that felt more like unconscious reuse rather than key words. Also, at the end, without looking in the mirror, a person can't tell that her pupils are hyper-dilated.
Thank you for sharing the poem, and if you have the time to reply, I'd love to know what your idea of a morbid scent is, and the reason behind the phrasing of "gently monsoon." It's very unusual, and I think if you changed "gently running" in the second stanza to trickling or something else, the quirky combination would have more impact.
Author's Response: Wow, I am really flattered that you took the time to leave me a detailed response . I have been reading your stories for a while now. So thank you. I agree with you on the repetition, however, this poem was spur of the moment and I did not want to kill the excitement. And yes, I do understand that no one can actually tell how dilated their pupils are, but when I was standing out in the dark, it was long enough to know, or more accurately I made a guess. As for morbid scent, where I was at the moment, it smelled like damp leaves and tree barks, but also something like a decaying animal. But it was faint, so, I didn't want to make it seem unbearable, just that the scent was there. But since it was the wind blowing it toward me, I used with the clouds. You know when there is just enough light to see heavy clouds coming your way carrying the rain, that is how the clouds looked. The monsoon breeze I was referring to actually going back to my summers in India. And where I live now, it does not often rain. But that week it had been raining constantly, and the effect felt something like the monsoons in India. Thank you again, for the review, and the suggestions on how I can improve my writing.
