Reviews For Welcome Home
Reviewer: FawkesToTheRescue
Date: 09/23/10 20:04
Chapter: Chapter 1

Jess!

This was a very interesting story. I've never read anything quite like it, and I must say that I enjoyed it.

I loved this! I never quite thought that Molly would give a speech like this, like I thought she would break down crying or something, but I liked this.

I like your writing Jess. It's about things other people may not think about and it's unique and fun! Expect even more reviews from me! ;)

-Megan

P.S. I sort of doubt you've noticed, but I'm undergoing an identity crisis . . . . I've changed my sig like 3 times. I used my pen name, then I used a pen name for my pen name now I just use my name. Haha.

Have a good Day!

Author's Response:

Why thank you for the lovely review, Megan. :D

To be honest, I think you probably picked my worst fic ever to read and review. That being said, though, you'll probably enjoy the rest of my fics more. I'm glad that you found it evocative, because it was supposed to inspire those sort of emotions. 

Thanks again for visiting, and I hope to see you soon.

~Jess

P.S. - No worries about the sig identity crisis. I used to be that way, as well, until I got too lazy to change it anymore. :D

Reviewer: Hermoine Jean Granger
Date: 05/31/10 9:23
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hello there, Jess!

I found this story of yours to be rather touching. It feels like a complete journey with Molly as she goes through the life of her son. It's not too emotional, as goes with stories which involve Fred's death(that I have read). It isn't all about grief; there's a strong sense of hope and determination that's inherent in Molly's speech. That's one of the things I really loved about this piece.

You jump into the subject matter soon - a little too soon for my tastes, in fact(it is, after all, the first gathering of a group of people, so I sort of expected a bit more of an introduction). Molly just comes off as a little impatient to share her thoughts about her son, when you start it off right there. However, I won't deny the fact that the short introduction that you maintain tends to keep the focus solely on the subject, without wasting on details which pale next to the pain that the people in the gathering have undergone.

Apart from that opening glitch, I found your characterisation of Molly very realistic. I enjoyed the remniscent tone of the entire piece - especially the part where she talks about Fred and George's exploits at school. I loved how she even tries to add humour into her narration while she describes her reactions to the twins' actions!

Something I would have loved to see, though, is more of their childhood before Hogwarts. Most of the speech draws from canon, which I can see, but I feel that a little more of that would have been a welcome addition. We know very less about their lives at home, so I definitely think Molly talking about that would have been an interesting read.

The part where you describe Dolores and her ways - "She tortured students, including the twins, by forcing them to carve words into their own hands with Dark Magic." - is not something I quite completely agree with. It's almost as though you're implying that she was only torturing students through barbaric means, which isn't the case. I feel that the decrees, her misuse of clout at the Ministry to infuse fear and cause a reign of terror at Hogwarts are almost as important factors, if not more important factors for the rebellion to break out. I feel that Molly does take a rather one-sided view of the matter here, which again, doesn't just strike the right chord with me.

I loved, loved, loved the last part. Not the description of Fred's death(which, by the way, is very brave of her to talk about in front of a gathering), but the way she makes a glowing tribute to her son. Indeed he was a martyr, and this line in particular "we knew that Fred would have died all over again, because he died protecting his loved ones. was something that really moved me. Molly's deep understanding of her son, despite the great loss that she's had to suffer through, is what shines through.

There are two tiny technical things that bothered me while reading the piece, however: one, the fact that you begin each paragraph with quotations. If it's a speech, I don't really see the point in those, since the transcript of the speech stands alone and doesn't really need those. The second is more of an opinion- the constant shift from You-Know-Who to Voldemort threw me off a bit. I can see she's trying to build up the courage to use the name without fear(as she is tuned to using 'You-Know-Who'), but it just disrupts the flow of the story when she keeps moving back and forth between the two terms. An example which kind of emphasises my point is here:"Then the unthinkable happened; the Ministry of Magic fell into the hands of V-Voldemort - and, as rather vocal and public supporters of Harry, who immediately became a fugitive, they fell on the wrong side of the law. George even lost an ear in an effort to help keep Harry safe so he could fulfill his birthright and defeat You-Know-Who." Um, the use of the two terms in the same paragraph definitely stood out even when I read it through the first time, and I hence found the necessity to point that out.

The ending just seems perfect for this piece. It was so suitable for the occasion, and Molly's way of welcoming them all was very well appropriate as well as well delivered. I like how she connects the organisation and her speech right there, moving from the reminiscences to reality again. It nicely rounded up their first meeting, in my opinion.

Good job, overall. =)

Author's Response:

Hello there. :)

This story was written for a rather stringent and, to be honest, terrible challenge prompt. I was not allowed to do ANYTHING in any other manner than I did, and the word limit was 1000, so the rushed feeling came from me having to chop so much from it for length. Overall, I was actually rather displeased with the end result and ended up just submitting it for the sake of submitting. *hides*

I didn't really think about not needing the quotes, and, now that you say that, it just makes so much more sense.Originally, I did have parentetical notes where Molly did stuff like (sniff) or (pause), but I was told by the mod that it was not in keeping with the challenge, so boo.

Skipping from You-Know-Who to Voldemort was actually something I did on purpose. She called him YKW when she didn't think about it, but when she called him 'Voldemort', she made a concerted effort to do so. After living so many years with fear of a name, it's hard to break that habit. I probably didn't do too great of a job, since this is, by far, the absolute worst thing I've ever written IMO, but maybe that will make more sense.

I'm glad that you liked it, because I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it much more than I do. I actually had to stop myself from deleting this after the challenge was over, though. I kept it as a sort of journal of where I've been and where I am as a writer now. Everyone has pieces they look back and shudder when they read, and this is it. I'm just kind of *sigh* that I got two wonderful reviews - one from you and one from Russia - for this story and not a different one. Then again, if I just redid this whole story, it would probably make me feel much better about it. When I get bored one day, I think I might do that.

Thanks for reviewing...you are a star. I shall see thee around SPEW. Take care and happy reviewing!

Jess

Reviewer: Russia Snow
Date: 05/30/10 18:45
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hey, Jess =)

Sorry if this gets cut in half; MNFF hates my reviews at the moment.

Firstly, I think you handled the whole concept of this fic really well. Now, I banned myself from even looking at the winter snows prompts so I can’t say for certain how well you handled the prompt, but the whole concept of narration and no description was used very effectively in this piece of writing.

Unfortunately I wasn’t crazy on Molly’s characterisation. I think you totally nailed Fred, he was described really well and some of the snippets you write about him really did make me smile. Just... some of the things that Molly said just didn’t strike me as very Molly.

“She tortured students, including the twins, by forcing them to carve words into their own hands with Dark Magic.” This was my least favourite sentence in the entire story. It seems very... almost slapdash. Just know of thrown aside, “Oh and she tortured them with dark magic” I’m not even sure that ‘Dark Magic’ is a very appropriate way to describe what Umbridge did, not in my mind anyway. I think perhaps going into more detail about exactly what Umbridge did here would be more effective and get rid of the ‘slapdash’ feel to this sentence.

In contrast, “They sold all sorts of items, which I’m sure will all be banned at Hogwarts any day now as well as a line of Defense Against the Dark Arts items designed to protect those who could not yet protect themselves.” I really like this sentence. It just really put into perspective for me exactly what Fred and George were doing. Minus the spelling mistake of ‘Defense’—should be defence-- this was one of my favourite sentences in the whole fic, for me, is captured Fred and George perfectly.

One other part that struck me as odd was this line: “Eventually, I will be able to remember Fred without breaking down like I am doing now, but I promise myself, my family, all of you, and, especially, Fred, that I will never forget.” I just don’t really feel like Molly was breaking down here. I imagine this being spoken quite a few years after Fred’s death and I don’t picture Molly ‘breaking down’ at all. The language you used doesn't at all hint at a break down and the only hesitation that we see is the “V-Voldemort” but I am assuming that this is just a generic fear of the name as opposed to sadness or grief.

Sorry to be so negative! I really did like this fic and I thought the end was so effective, it was a heart warming story and a part of Molly that I do feel that you got spot on, was the pride that she had in her sons.

Well done, Jess!

*squish*

~Russia xxxxx

Author's Response:

Hi Russiaaaaaa!

To be honest, this is probably the worst thing I've ever written by far. The prompt was evil, and I was forced by the mod who both set the challenge and modded the story (Jan) to remove all but the speech. I am not strong on description by speech, as my abilities lie more in the region of narrative description. I had to chop all of that out, and after that, I really hated this piece. I was going to delete it, but I figured that it could just be a reminder about where I've been and where I am now as a writer. 

I agree with everything you said, and this story really does suck. I'm just bummed that you chose to give me a SPEW review and it had to be this one. And, as you probably noticed, I didn't start writing in UK English until far after this story, so I spelt 'defense' correctly for my particular neck of the woods.

I just wish that I would have been allowed to fill out Molly's feelings and mannerisms more than I was, because doing so with strictly dialogue is really freaking difficult.

Thanks for the review, sweetie. Perhaps I shall be a ninja and do the same sometime soon. ^.~

Jess

Reviewer: Gmariam
Date: 01/27/10 18:15
Chapter: Chapter 1

Aw, that was very sweet! Poor Molly. You captured her spirit well - I could almost see her rolling her eyes at the twins' exploits as she spoke, as well as beaming with pride over their accomplishments. They way she spoke about Fred's death was heartbreaking. Good luck in the challenge! ~Gina :)

Author's Response:

I tried to make it real without making it sappy and gross, and I hope I've done that. Lately, I've been writing a lot of 'dead people' fics, where characters die and the mourning angst over the loss...I guess that makes me morbid, lol.

So glad you liked it, and I hope to win in at least one of the Winter Snows categories (and so far, I'm the only one that did the Lockhart one, so I think I'm good there. :)

Jess

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