MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: Russia Snow
(Signed) · Date:
02/24/10 16:06 · For:
First of all, I am SO glad that I finally got around to reading this fic! I have been meaning to read it for such a long time!
I really did like this fic, although at the beginning I thought the second person POV was a little annoying, but it grew on me as the fic progressed, and I think you handled it very well. Your characterisation of Fred, I thought, was quite good. It is always hard t write about a character that has just suffered a close and personal loss, and I think you wrote him very well.
One thing I wasn’t sure on was referring to him as “brother” all the time. I think you were trying to make it a mystery as to exactly who it was that the story was about. It would have worked for another relationship (Ginny and Ron for example) but Fred and George (I’m assuming it was about Fred and George?) I think they would have said “twin” I know this would have given away straight away who the fic was about, but it seems more in character to me.
I really liked the beginning of this fic: ”When you lose someone you love, people start staring at you with pity in their gazes. They start shooting you sympathetic smiles. They all offer you their condolences, but that doesn’t make much difference to you now. Nothing will.”
That is an amazing opening paragraph, it is intriguing and really draws the reader in. But I feel like I have to comment on the ending of the fic as well. You grin sadly at her and take your wand from her hand.
”You wrap your arm around her waist and walk all the way to the Hogwarts castle to celebrate.
And from that day on, you’ll never think of jumping ever again.”
I don’t know about this... something just didn’t click with me and this line. After a very good fic, I just don’t really think that this last line did it justice. The first line is so powerful, I just feel that it needs a powerful last line to balance the fic and bring it to a close.
Now, onto things I loved: THIS paragraph:
“Because it is true!” she says rather loudly. She takes a deep breath and runs her fingers through her hair. “Your brother, he would not have let you die in his place. He gave his life for you; for all of us.. He would want you to live your life to the fullest and be the happiest you can be. Is this the way that you are going to live your life? Is this the way you want to end your life? Committing suicide? Your life is a miracle. Don’t waste it.”
That was a BEAUTIFUL paragraph! It felt so in character, and so true. Fred would have wanted George to be the happiest he could be. ”Your life is a miracle. Don’t waste it.” Mmh, gorgeous line, Ronnie.
I mostly liked the plot of this fic, how George had wandered off and how all the happiness had begun to annoy him. It is a lovely idea for a fic, but I have a suggestion if I may. When I saw the title “Jump” I immediately thought that it would involve jumping off a building. I’m just not sure about George jumping into a lake... he must have known that it wouldn’t *really* kill him. I mean you do mention the Grindylows, which you are right could kill him once he is in the water, but Krum went swimming in the lake, didn’t he? And they didn’t kill him. I would say that they only attacked people once they were swimming in the weeds. Also, I don’t think the Merpeople are really ones for attacking students who fall, climb or swim in the lake. I imagine it is quite hard to drown yourself without something to keep you under the water. I’m not sure that, unless weighted down with metal or such like, the robes would be enough to keep him down. But then again, maybe all of what I just said was unnecessary, maybe George wasn’t supposed to be thinking properly. I suppose once you have lost someone like that, you don’t think about whether or not you would be heavy enough to sink...
One teensy nit-pick before I go, to improve the flow. ”The waters call for you, welcomes you.” It has to be either “The waters call for you, welcome you.” OR “The water calls for you, welcomes you.” You wither need both to be plural or both to be singular.
Overall, a very nice fic, Ronnie. I enjoyed it, even if it was very sad! I like to think that George and the girl (Angelina?) were happy that night and celebrated Fred’s life. =)
(Signed) · Date:
01/22/10 16:23 · For:
You know, I did actually have a review that was something other than just *Ronnie* but it seems to have gotten lost somewhere... ?
Anyway. I absolutely love your fic, Ronnie. The emotion is amazing. And I like that you get to decide who it was on your own. For me, I imagined George and Angelina, but it definetely is a matter of who the individual imagined in the story, and I find that wonderful!
So, amazing job, seriously. :)
~ Annalise x :)
Author's Response: Thanks Annalise! :D I am glad you liked it :) hehe. I didn't picture George and Angelina because I can't really see George wanting to kill himself after Fred's dead... but it could've happened... Ily! -Ronnie Xxx
(Signed) · Date:
01/21/10 23:58 · For:
Author's Response: Lmfao. ANNALISE!!!!!
(Signed) · Date:
12/16/09 20:56 · For:
There have been so many stories written in fandom about George dealing with Fred's death. Though it is something we've all probably wondered about at one time or another, the topic has started to become over-used. It's refreshing to at least not read about as a chaptered story. I think you've convinced me that it's somewhat better as a one-shot. It isn't worth it to spend so many thousands of words on angst. A thousand or so is about just right.
Name: ron lover
Yet this doesn't have to be about George, does it? I skimmed it again and realized it could be about any Weasley brother dealing with Fred's death. Indeed, it could be about Dennis Creevy dealing with Collin's death. It could even be about anyone who fought at the Battle of Hogwarts dealing with a brother's death there. It is a very clever mind trick that you played on your readers!
Yet I almost would have preferred that you mention your characters by name or somehow make clear who they are. The lingering questions at the end of the story (Who were the characters? What was the siblings' relationship like? What was the relationship between the surviving sibling and the girl/woman?) do not allow the reader a sense of resolution, despite the otherwise perfectly acceptable ending.
Looking back at what I've written, I realize I sound rather harsh -- very uncharacteristically so. It isn't like I disliked your story. Though your writing style is slightly abrupt -- perhaps you could have drawn out the story a little longer?-- it didn't detract from my interest or enjoyment too much. I realize that this is only your second story on MNFF, and I simply want to help you realize your potential is a writer. Trust me. You have a great deal of it.
Author's Response: Hi Laura! At first, I was writing it about Dennis Creevy, actually, but as I wrote, I started thinking about Percy. I imagined him to feel guilty about Fred's death and that it would be, in my opinion, a bit worse to him than to George. So, this was written about Percy and Audrey but I didn't mention the names because I wanted the reader to assume who was I talking about. I was also very oblique concerning the characterization because of the same thing. I could have elaborated about the relationships with the brother and with the girl, but I was actually on a rush and needed to send it to beta as soon as I could because of the deadline :o. I know that I kind of leave those questions lingering but I guess that kind of is my style because when I write OF and I show it to my friends, I end up with those same questions. I think that I should start correcting that :p You're right about it. And you didn't sound harsh at all, honestly. I love this kind of reviews! It makes me thinkg of my writing and of ways to make it better. Thanks a lot, by the way! :) -Ronnie xxx
(Signed) · Date:
12/12/09 23:09 · For:
Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie!!!! I was so happy when I saw this was validated. This is a really great story. I can't quote what I liked because the story isn't above the review box, but if it was I would quote what he was thinking when he was about to jump. I think that the emotions are great. They are really emotional (Really?) in a way that works for the story. Nothing is overly done. It's a perfact amount angst.
Name: miss ginny1
I'm not trying to be a pusshy fangirl who wants a sequel, but I think that a sequal would go great with this. (Okay, maybe I am a pushy fangirl....)
This is a great story, Ronnie. You absolutly have to write more angst stuff, because year a good. Uh huh, you are.
Author's Response: ALYSSA! *tacklessquishes* you made my day! Really :) Thanks a lot for the review. And a sequel... hmm... I'll think about it. Let's see if I a can come up with something good enough for a sequel to this :) I am actually working on something angsty... keep an eye out for it (; thanks for the review again and for making my day! -Ronnie xxx
(Signed) · Date:
12/12/09 18:20 · For:
I really enjoyed this story. Not just because I love everything Harry Potter, but because this kind of stuff does happen in real life (well, not the Final Battle and the magic and wands and stuff like that). Loved ones are killed and family is so depressed and shaken that sometimes they want to die, too. I particularly enjoyed this story because it has a happy ending, unlike most stories like this.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! Really! I worked really hard on this. Thanks for the review! -Ronnie xxx
(Signed) · Date:
12/12/09 13:13 · For:
Hi Ronnie. Good job on this story :D I liked it a lot. :D :D :D
Andi (lame review, I know, but I really do like it and as I already made comments on it...)
Author's Response: Heehee, thanks a lot Andi! :D by the way, I loved your review (; not lame at all! -Ronnie xxx