MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Reviews For Illusions

Name: Dory_the_Fishie (Signed) · Date: 03/31/10 12:51 · For: ... those thoughts become more harsh, more blunt...
Well, hello there, Spire! I’m so glad you’re this month’s author, because it means I got to read this lovely little fic.

I first want to comment on your use of the second person. I myself am a huge fan of second person, and I’m always thrilled to see a fic that uses it well. I thought it was a wonderful choice. For one thing, it does a good job concealing the identity of the main character. But it also, I think, helps the reader identify more closely with the character. We’ve all probably experienced some sort of loss, and so we can understand, to some extent, what Cho is feeling here. When you say ‘you,’ we know it’s us. We’re right there with Cho, and it makes the fic all the more powerful.

Your writing, of course, helps with the strength of the fic. I found your imagery and description particularly great. There were many parts where I could just picture perfectly what you were saying, or completely feel what Cho was feeling. This line especially caught my eye: You pick your way through the wild tangles of green grass, boycotting the natural path that a million others have trod before. I love the ‘tangles’ of grass, and the use of ‘boycotting’ is really interesting. It suggests a particular defiance, I think, that works very well. Cho is deliberately choosing not to go the way everyone else has, which could be combination of her knowing the place so well and her wanting, perhaps, to lose herself a little.

I have to mention the use of Romeo and Juliet here. Admittedly, I’m not big on the play. I feel that it’s often misinterpreted as some grand love story, when to me it’s much more of a tragedy, and also a bit silly in some parts. That said, I am relieved you drew the parallel here as more relating to Cho’s despair at Cedric’s death than to their roles as ‘star-crossed lovers.’ The comparison is interesting, but for me, it’s unnecessary. I suppose it helps emphasize the totality of Cho’s grief, but I would have much preferred the fic without it. It just felt extraneous and tad clichéd to me. Perhaps other readers have felt differently, but I’ve seen so many Romeo and Juliet comparisons that they’ve gotten a bit old.

The idea of Cedric being present with Cho on the beach is very nice. I especially like it because we have sort of seen Cedric in ‘ghost’ form in the books, when he emerges from Voldemort’s wand. So for some reason, it seems even more possible that he would appear here (don’t ask me why, it just does >.>). It creates an even more poignant scene, with Cho knowing somehow that Cedric is there but being unable to really be with him. It’s heartbreaking, and honestly I’ve never cared much about Cho, but I was feeling for her here.

Overall, I thought this was a great piece. Great job using second person and making me actually care about Cho. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thank you, Leanne! Especially for the comments on second person which I love feedback on, since it's one of my favourite voices. On the Romeo and Juliet thing... this was a very spur of the moment fic, something I just sat down and wrote, and they just kinda found their way into it :p Which is funny really, since the plot to that story annoys me just because it's so melodramatic imo. Thanks again :) x

Name: Kerichi (Signed) · Date: 12/14/09 8:42 · For: ... those thoughts become more harsh, more blunt...

Where the green blends with soft yellow, you kick your sandals off and leave them there to wait.

Imagery is definitely one of your strengths. The line I quoted was my favorite, but I think all your descriptions of the beach were vivid and embued with emotion, so much it was as if the beach itself was a character, or a Greek chorus. :) It works beautifully as a setting, and, along with the ocean, a counterpoint for Cho's turbulent emotions.

I don't like Cho as a character, usually, but you made me sympathize with her to the point where I wished you hadn't described her running nose, heh. At the end, the hope that he'd been there in spirit was incredibly poignant. Everyone who's lost someone shares that same wistful hope.

I noticed that you used the second paragraph in the summary, and I think it works there very well...but not as well in the story. It's repetitive, yet not in a poetic, stressed words/deeper meaning kind of way. If it was cut, I think the beginning would have more dramatic impact and better hook the reader.


Wishing it were you does nothing. At the end of the day, nothing will change. Still, though, you yearn for it to be you who’s dead, who can’t feel the pain. Not him. 

That's just my opinion, though, for you to consider or dismiss with my best wishes. 

The second to last paragraph is so touching, I wish the transition between it and the last line wasn't so abrupt. If you had, "As time passes and the waves recede, you sigh in acceptance." My love is gone would be bouyed like the sea, or a cloud, or whatever image takes your fancy, :).

It's a lovely story, and nice to see Cho mature enough to realize Romeo and Juliet aren't the ideal, that's it's enough to have loved, and Cedric would want her to live. 



Author's Response: Thank you for your review, Paige, and I'll give more consideration to my summaries next time I choose that style :) xx

You must login (register) to review.