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Reviews For Shine a Light

Name: radcliffe4eva (Signed) · Date: 03/21/10 14:13 · For: Chapter 1
Also might want to change "experiances" to "experiences". Sorry, I know I'm coming off as a twit, but summaries are quite important!

Name: radcliffe4eva (Signed) · Date: 03/21/10 14:10 · For: Chapter 1
I've only just had time to glance over this right now, but I can already tell you that it looks quite promising already, so I'll definitely have to take a look at it later. Just one little nit-picky thing - you spelled "similar" incorrectly in your summary. Normally, I just let spelling errors go, but it's in your summary. So it essentially detracts from your writing abilities right off the bat, which isn't fair to you!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, and I'll fix the error! And the next one as well. Thanks for pointing them out ;)

Name: Karaley Dargen (Signed) · Date: 03/16/10 22:01 · For: Chapter 1
(I messed up with the formatting before so I just deleted a review, sorry about any confusion. It said the same as this one)

Nitpicking: Six years later - wouldn't that be the start of year seven then? In that case, is he really very slow or why is he asking about her OWL results now? Or is my math very off, that's always a possibility... Also, I was a bit confused at first, as you talk of "exactly the same seat" after she just went to bed... perhaps if you'd written "...the same seat in the Great Hall" it would have helped me. But then perhaps I'm just very slow tonight :D
Another nitpick: "for the most part I believed that the subject was mainly based on interpreting signs that prevented themselves to me when I concentrated"
I think it should be "presented", not "prevented here. Sorry about all the pettyness, I'm apparently very picky tonight -.-

Now that I have that out of the way, praise! I love how we meet the characters that you introduced in the first chapter again and see how they and their relationships developed.
Also – Sprout as the Headmistress, I love her! I'm not sure how old she is at that point, so no idea if it's canon-plausible, but you write her so brilliantly that I don't even care. She has everyone thank the kitchens– such a Puff thing to do! I just want to hug her.

Ooh and you had Parvati as the previous Divination teacher, lovely.

OH DEAR PYGMYPUFF I just got got a right shock at the point where she switches to the other time-thing. This is spookier than watching a movie *shudders* You wrote this incredibly well. It was so very unexpected, and all the better written! I especially liked this line, it's just brilliant description:
As I stared, I saw his head flick up, and he looked straight at me, causing my heart to beat wildly, as if some caged bird was struggling for freedom.

I just love your description and sentence structure in general. Your writing is just so amazing; I can't stop reading your stuff (and this story in particular) because you manage not only to create suspense a lot, but also to give your writing such a flow that it simply feels impossible to break it by going to sleep like I probably should.

One last thing about this chapter though that bothered me, and, again, it's just something minor. Did Neville really call his son Frank, as in - is this canon? If not, it just feels like... ah, I can't even explain it properly. On the one hand, it's very Rowlingesque and only logical for Neville to name his child after his father who must have been a great hero for him. But then, among Lily and James Sirius, we have Frank Longbottom in Gryffindor too... this just seems a bit like Marauders pt.2 (I know Frank wasn't in the same year as them but you probably know what I mean). I guess just too many people named their children after their parents for my taste...

Still, this chapter was brilliant and gave me goosebumps! I need to read on now.

Author's Response: I'm so bad at maths and dates, I had trouble thinking about that one. The are supposed to be in sixth year, I'll go back and change that one! Thanks for pointing it out, and the other things as well (don't worry about being nitpicky!) And Frank's name, it's not really important to the story, so I suppose it could be changed. I made a character list for Albus, James and Lily's years before I started this story, so the characters come from that. I never really expected to use it in as much detail, so I just named him Frank as I was probably feeling a little uncreative. Changing the name wouldn't be too much bother, but he's not a very important character and won't be mentioned much from now on. Thanks for the lovely review! Sarah x

Name: Karaley Dargen (Signed) · Date: 03/16/10 21:27 · For: Chapter 1
Helloooo GoldSarah!

This story looks really promising... I don't know a lot about your OC (she is on OC, right?) at this point, yet she has already captivated me, and I am extremely interested in hearing/reading her story. She doesn't come across as particularly extraordinary, yet in her normal-ness she draws me right in, because I can relate to her so much better (even if she's from a pureblood wizarding family and I'm still sitting here in my stupid old Muggle house). Your characterisation is really good here. You don't force the reader to believe anything; you just show the situations and the story the way Clariss sees it, and let the picture unfold itself. And I also oddly like the way she hero-worships Lily.

Another very nice characterisation was that of Lily. I really enjoyed reading her so far. She's proud of what her father did, and while I think later she wouldn't be so proud of everything (those stories can get boring when you hear them the five thousandth time - yeah dad, you rode a Thestral, I get it, you're so cool. Can I go meet my friends now?) for an eleven-year-old this is still quite believable. Also I can imagine her being just a tiny bit big-headed (when you look at who she's related to that's no wonder), and then it would be natural for her to even show off a bit with those stories.

And speaking of age: You did get the first-years right too. I'm actually impressed at this. Not only Clariss, but all the other children she talks to just sound like they would around that age – as far as I can tell anyway. And it was really interesting to see Harry's and the Trio's fame through someone else's eyes too.

Two things that bothered me – though they both are very minor: You do mention other first-year girls, but in the end they don't make another appearance. I think I would have liked to see through Clariss' eyes who she shares a dormitory with and what she thinks of the girls after the evening's conversation. But maybe this is something you're going to deal with in the second chapter, and I'll have to run right off and read that as soon as I submit this review.
The second thing: you sometimes put an apostrophe when the word is just in the plural... I noticed this with "Potter's", "parent's" and "Ravenclaw's". But this is just nitpicking. I'm off to read the second chapter, so see you there! :D


Author's Response: Thanks Kara! As you've no doubt found out, the other girls do play a part in the next chapter, but I'll think about what you said if I ever find time to go back and revise the chapter. And thanks for the apostophe thing, I'll go check that out!

Name: LuNaLoVeGoOdLoVer (Signed) · Date: 03/16/10 20:21 · For: Chapter 1

I loved this, and am looking forward to continue reading this.

I could really connect with Clarisse well - you described her feelings/thoughts very well. It was very original. I've never read the Potters-are-old-new idea yet. I also liked how it wasn't from Lily's POV, but she will defiantly play a role in the story.

I am really sucked in by your take on the ... reformed wizarding world. I noticed they talked freely about house elves.

And another compliment, this one for your summary. It really pulled me in.

where I assumed all the teachers sat, all of them staring at us. If they are staring at them then why does she have to assume they sit there? Didn't she see them?

Great job,

Author's Response: Thanks Andi :) The little bit you pointed out has been amended, thanks for mentioning it. Sarah x

Name: ron lover (Signed) · Date: 12/15/09 18:08 · For: Chapter 2
I am so happy that I finally have time to read this! I'll start with the first chapter.

That was a great starting chapter. I haven't read a story where it started out like that before. It's very interesting. It gives detail on the character without going into too much detail. I wanted to read more (that's why I didn't review the last chapter).

This chapter was good, too. The vision thing that she had is very interesting. I'm excited to find out about it later. It adds a nice twist to the story so it's not just and nother story with Lilly Potter's friend. I'm also exctied to see when the vision took place.

The characterization of Clariss is really good. She's not boring, but she's not to far-fetched. I'm really ezcited to see what she is going to do next.

This story is really interesting, and I'm sure you know by now that I'm excited for the next chapter. You're doing really good so far. sarah, so keep doing what you are doing!

Author's Response: Ooh, thank you, Alyssa! I'm going to upload another chapter today (it should't be long before it's up, the second chapter spent only a few hours in the queue!). I'm really glad you liked it :) Sarah x

Name: Pen Sieve (Signed) · Date: 12/06/09 8:27 · For: Chapter 2
Nicely going so far :) You write in a friendly tone which suits Hogwarts - so far. I'm intrigued to know how this story will develop. Just a few grammar niggles, like your use of apostrophes... e.g 'Potter's' when you mean 'Potters'. Sorry, very petty, but good to get right! Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing and for pointing out the little mistakes, I'll go have a look at them now. Thank you!

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